Hi Starrynights,
Welcome to the forums! Yes I have wondered about that too. Don't have an answer for you, but look forward to seeing what the others have to say.

B2W

I think Ts create situations that are challenging but I don't think most would ever intentionally try to hurt or dysregulate someone. I don't think my Ts do but they both do a type of exposure therapy which I don't think is necessarily the same as triggering but it kind of is to get you 'in it'.

Do you think your T forgot how his comment may have related? I know my Ts have said bonehead things before that have triggered me but I don't think it was intentional.

Welcome!

Hi Starry,
I asked my T about that once, if he had canceled an appointment just to gauge my reaction or make me deal with an issue and he told me, unequivocally, that there would never be a strategic canceling of an appointment or anything else manipulative done by him. That in his experience, things will happen in therapy on their own, that will bring up what the patient needs to deal with. That no matter how much he did not want to and tried not to fail me, he inevitably would, because he's human, and that it often happened that those failures would be around the very things I needed to deal with. I saw it happen enough times to believe that.

It is important to discuss this incident with your therapist and your feelings around it for two reasons. If it's bothering you this much, then these feelings are important for you to look at and understand. It's also important that you are able to ensure yourself that your T was NOT attempting to manipulate you.

Abused kids had way too much in their life of people distorting reality, and being manipulated to meet other people's needs. That kind of behavior has no place in therapy. If I found out I had a therapist doing something like that to provoke a reaction instead of direclty addressing it with me, or waiting until it came up naturally in the course of the work, I'd run like hell and not look back.

Don't get me wrong, I have had my T act provocatively in a session, and push me pretty hard, but he also told me 10 minutes later exaclty what he had done and it was done right in the middle of my talking about and struggling with a boundary.

I would really urge you to be very up front about your feelings and thoughts about what happened.

AG

PS Just wanted to add that sometime's a T will deliberately say something even if they know it will upset us, if it's about something we need to face or we need to be pushed outside our comfort zone to grow, but I think that should be contained WITHIN a session where they can help us work through our feelings.

And last but not least "he had to have know would upset me" was always a red flag for me. My T always told me that the only way for me to know his thoughts and feelings was to ask. I learned a LOT about my ability to make assumptions about both my T and my husband in the course of my work. More often than not, I was reacting to my past, interpreting their actions and words through the filter of my experience and then I would check in and something quite different would be going on. So don't assume that he "had to have known" it would be upsetting, ask if he did. If he didn't and you're upset that he didn't, that's ok to express too. But I would try and avoid assumptions of his thoughts and feelings; that often got me into trouble.

No, i doubt the average therapist would say or do something with the intent to overtly upset a patient, but that can be a common side effect of therapies that tend to be more exploratory where the therapist feels honesty or being true to himself (a sign of a strong sense of self) benefits the patient despite the risk that the patient might experience unpleasant emotions.

h

I asked my T this same question once when I was scared he might do this. I don't remember if he had done something that had triggered me, but I don't remember it being about something he had done and I thought he did on purpose, but rather more, I guess, scared that he was relating to me in a way that would drag out my transference and attachment stuff. He said, absolutely no, that he would never be manipulative in that way and our interactions were all natural, although he is very thoughtful about them. I'm paraphrasing, obviously, as this was a long time ago. The one thing I definitely do remember, and he has expressed this a few times when I have questioned whether something he has done was purposeful. He said he simply "isn't that shrewd." Like he's not capable of that. The way he works is very much moment to moment and his lack of planning shows through sometimes, but it also helps relieve any fears of manipulation on my part.

My T has unintentionally triggered me badly a few times - and it could have had some pretty bad consequences. I am pretty sure she would never do it on purpose. A few times she has said or done things or forgotten to do things and I have gone crazy wondering why she did it. I have asked her straight - are you testing me? Each times she has said it was an accident and she would never test me.

But.... that sad, injured, child inside me who is expecting to be abandoned, rejected and traumatised - always wonders and waits....

We are now testing my assumptions about her motives and what she might be thinking and feeling. This is to help me correct my false assumptions and so I don't catastrophise things and think I am going to be hurt all the time. This is painful work, but it will help me a lot.

Somedays

My T has explained that part of their job is to bring you to the very edge of being triggered, and dance there for a while.

And if they can do that, and keep you there- in that moment- long enough to feel it, talk through it and experience it - But not 'react' to it (the way we usually do when we are triggered)...then we can start to understand the root of it, and work through it.

From my limited experience with this, it seems to require a whole heck of a lot of observation skills by your T to be able to 'see' how close to the edge you are.

Thus far...I've been to that point and had my T successfully 'hold me there' long enough to talk through it and deal with it... Once.

It was a challenging experience. But for me, the first time I was able to talk through it all instead of settling into my normal 'habit' with it... Was a seriously strong experience.

I think, as I said, it takes a LOT of strong work on your T's part to be able to bring you there, hold you there, and maneuver the mine field of the moment right along side you.

Hey Starrynights,

I suspected that my last T, who I ran from, did do things to trigger me and even said to me once, I can't get anything out of you. She also told me, when I was leaving her, that I needed a more motherly T and she wishes she could be more motherly but she can't. She even cried when she said that.

She herself had been to 28 therapists and said the 28th one straightened her out. So I think she had her own agenda about not wasting time and getting straight to the heart of the issue.

Current T said he doesn't know anyone who would intentionally manipulate therapy but when he heard the stories from my therapy with her, he had to agree that she sounds a little different.

My current T would sometimes make off the cuff remarks at the end of our sessions that would trigger me badly. I think he was trying to be funny but it never came off that way to me. He's stopped doing it because it caused me too many problems.

But if it bothers you, I'd talk about it. It can only help in the long run.

Nice to neet you by the way. And I like your screen name.

Liese

Wow, thank you all so much for your replies!

Being new to this, I wasn't sure how much detail to give (don't want to trigger anyone with my yuck), but I think I should say a bit more than I did.

T and I had been discussing how brief and "aloof" his email replies are, and how upsetting this is to me because it reminds me of how my father stopped talking to me once for almost a year. (after the trauma that occured when I was 17.) The aloof emails from T would trigger feelings of anger and I would look for any possible sign of warmth, finding none. Sooo... I went into last Friday's session pretty upset already, and after much discussion about it, he said that he'd like me to not email anymore - that it's not having the positive effect it once had and is in fact (paraphrasing here) counterproductive. I said, "Not even good things, like that I finally lost a few pounds?" and he firmly but gently said no. (side note - boundaries have been a big issue with me - I have had to relearn them with regards to people, food, etc., so I don't always respect them in the meantime, including T's.) Anyway, after saying no, he added, and this is what hurt so bad, "and if you send any, I won't read them."

It was almost time to leave anyway, so I was only teary while we scheduled my next appointment and then we shook hands and I left. He saw the tears and because we had just spent 40 minutes talking about how hurt I have been by my dad's silent treatment (and coldness over the past 25 years), that is why I feel like he must have known how hurtful that would be.
But at the same time, I think he's pushing me to self-regulate my emotions and to face uncomfortable things. Or if, like Muff and someone else said, perhaps he could tell I was ready for "a wee bomb." (cute emoticon, muff!)

I remember earlier in the session, he was saying, "I doubt that the silent treatment when you were 17 was the first time he treated you that way." I said I couldn't recall any other instances - certainly none that lasted that long, and none around a trauma. (Ok, possible TMI/trigger-alert: I had been recently raped, wasn't prosecuting (long story) and in his extreme anger, my father wanted to have the guy killed, but I wouldn't let him. I kept him from doing so by not revealing the man's name. Dad's reaction was an ultimatum - "tell me his name or I'll never speak to you again." It lasted close to a year, with just tension remaining between us off and on since then, and it's been 25 years.)

Anyway, after leaving T, I cried and prayed and cried for the next several hours, and by the next morning, I was beginning to feel a sense of control over the hurt and anger. Now, 3 days later, calm has settled in, and bewilderment. I do think I'll ask T. if he knew how much it would hurt to be told he wouldn't read them if I did send them. And if it was because he didn't trust me to respect the new boundary he'd just established.

What do you think?

Starry

Starry, first I am really sorry about what happened with your dad. That sounds truly horrible.

I am guessing your T decided to stop emailing because he felt it wasn't helping if his emails were only having the effect of reminding you of something traumatic in the past. He didn't want to retraumatize you anymore. As for saying he wouldn't read them, I think he was just clarifying how he would respond to that situation. It may not have been the best choice for him to make, but I don't think he did it intentionally to trigger you. I think he did it to try to STOP triggering you with his email responses.

That my two cents.

Starry,

I am so sorry about your past and your Dad. How incredibly hurtful. I'm sure his statement at the end of the session actually retraumatized you. It probably felt a lot like when your Dad told you he wouldn't talk to you if you didn't reveal that guy's name.

There is a difference between the two situations though and my guess is that your T, quite differently than your Dad, is trying to protect you. He said he wouldn't read them so as not to give you any glimmer of hope that he would read them and possibly respond. His email responses are now actually retraumatizing you and he wants to stop that. I don't think it's about boundaries as much as about keeping you safe and not triggering you unnecessarily. I really like the fact that he is making this unequivocally clear to you and not wavering despite the pain it's causing you. I'm sure it hurts him to see you in so much pain.

It makes me think of the years perhaps you spent hoping things would get better with your Dad and maybe holding onto the hope that they would, never really doing the grieving that you had to do and therefore the moving on. There was probably just enough there with your Dad for you to keep trying, keep hoping. And that's not good. You have a wise T.

That being said, by all means, talk it out with him. It can only help you to understand where he is coming from. My T did something recently that was incredibly. I talked to him about it and realized that he was protecting me and wow, how nice did that feel. Let me tell you, it felt really nice.



Liese

P.S. It does sound like you have a nice relationship with him and he is very aware and on top of what helps you and what doesn't.

Wow, Liese, that totally rang true, thank you sooo much!
In my more emotionally stable moments, I know him to be wise and compassionate, but I guess 25 years of repressed whatever (grief??) combined with resentment can bring out some quick tears and anger. What he said (and brought to mind) just hurt so bad that for a while I couldn't see past the pain, but now I'm seeing it differently.

That reminds me - his last (final) email to me was in response to my very frustrated email about his aloofness, and here is what he said: "'Starry,' I know you trust me to be the psychotherapist, so please understand that I am communicating in your best interest. ...."
Arrgh, why am I so quick to discount and distrust what he says??!?


I see the wisdom in what you've said, and it brought tears of peace to my eyes.

Thank you so much,
Starry

BLT (love me some blt's!!),
I think you're right! I think he WAS trying to clarify because he's often careful about not being misread, though it does still happen.

I wish I had written to you all sooner, this has been soooo helpful!!

Starry

Starry,

I'm so glad you are feeling a little better.

quote:

Arrgh, why am I so quick to discount and distrust what he says??!?

because it FEELS the same as what happened with your Dad but it's not. Your T is coming from a place of true caring.

While I am sure your Dad cared about you (I hope so) the way he reacted to your trauma was more about him and what he was feeling than about giving you the support you needed at the time. His reaction only compounded what you had already been through.



Liese

Hi there Starrynights and welcome to the forum .

Hey I’m glad you feel a lot better now after being able to see other people’s take on what your T has done. I can well imagine how painful and soul destroying it’s been for you to have T suddenly withdraw email contact in such an abrupt and insensitive way, and especially at the end of the session .

I have to agree with the others, it doesn’t sound at all like he was deliberately trying to provoke a reaction in you, and probably was oblivious of the parallels between what he was doing and how your dad has been (and I’m sorry too about your dad – that’s a looooooong time to maintain the cold shoulder, it says a lot about HIM and nothing about you.)

I do however want to air a little voice of dissent about the whole ‘in your best interests’ statement by your T.

While I’m not doubting at all that your T is as you experience him, good and compassionate and trustworthy, I can’t help but imagine myself being on the receiving end of having email contact abruptly withdrawn in such a way and it would really really upset me. I’d experience it as a punishment, and my thinking would go something like this: – it’s because I’ve been expressing my anger and need and frustration at not getting the responses I’m wanting from T and not being properly grateful for the privilege of email contact and not using it as he expects me to use it that he’s now withdrawing it, kind of saying, well if you don’t appreciate the good I’m giving you by responding in the first place, and if you persist in feeling all negative and bad about my responses, then so be it, you can’t play with this toy anymore... (that’s how I’d experience it, as a big bad authority figure taking away something good as a way of ‘teaching’ me a lesson.)

Now that’s entirely my way of experiencing what you’ve described, but I also can’t help but think that a much better therapeutic approach would have been for him to accept and hear all your anger and frustration (and underlying need) about his cold responses to your emails, KNOWING that it’s in part at least sparked by being a repetition of how your father responds to you. To me that’s such a goldmine of potential healing, to use the feelings his cold responses arouse in you to explore the whole relationship with your father.

That way you don’t have the email contact taken away and you also get to work through some really important stuff.

Frankly I am always on the defensive when anyone says, this is for your own good, so I’m immediately not inclined to just accept something under guise of being in my best interests until and unless I fully understand HOW it’s good for me, so please forgive me if this post sounds like I’m doubting your T’s intentions or your perceptions of them. I’m actually pleased that you feel ok about it all and I hope that you can talk about how his last comments made you feel next session and resolve the hurt it caused.

LL

(((((STARRY))))

I hope your head isn't spinning by now. You've gotten lots of different takes on the situation. I went back and read your second post again and really want to add that I can see how taking the emailing privilige away from you like that in one fell swoop would cause you to feel such a lack of powerlessness over the situation and put you almost in the position of feeling like a child who has had their hand slapped simply because they expressed some negative emotions.

If you feel that the emailing IS something that is important to you and could benefit you in the future and that T was really acting rather impulsively, advocate for yourself. Tell him how important it is for you.



Liese

I would have to agree that I don't like being told that something is "for my own good" or for that matter, being told what I'm "supposed to think about it, how "I'm supposed to" feel about it, etc. I must be cautious here, because it's not up to ME to tell you what to think or feel, either.

BUT...(playing devil's advocate)

There are other choices he could have made. For example, he could have told you that he does not have time for carefully constructed and well-thought out email replies. Perhaps he has concluded that written messages are often misinterpreted and that it is best to address deeper issues within your sessions.

I know one therapist who allows for unlimited email contact, but chooses not to respond, because of the potential trouble it can create. But he does read them. I find it disturbing that anyone would find it "therapeutic" to be told that emails would be ignored when so many other options were available. Yikes. And knowing that other clients have retained their privileges while I have not, would also have me feeling pretty darn awful, even shamed.

However, you had a discussion with your T about all of this, at length. How did that feel for you? Was it productive, do you think? Did he perhaps feel like he had no other choice, that he might risk hurting you more?

I see that you are hurt, frustrated, and angry about this arrangement, and it makes sense. I would feel (and have felt) all those things as well.

I'm also quite curious about this "regulation of emotions" you speak of. I have to ask: Is it your goal in therapy, to get to the point that when you are triggered, you can learn to "Just Stop" feeling the emotions that you feel? (or did I misinterpret what you meant by "regulation"? IS this your goal? Is it your T's goal? Questions to ponder.

If it is, what then, is your T planning on doing to help you deal with HIDDEN emotions that will inevitably arise? Because that is what is being created when we try to "Just Stop" feeling what we feel. What are your thoughts about this?

Forgive me if I'm stating the obvious, but I often forget the obvious when I'm in therapy.

I hope you find peace and clarity with this issue. It is tough, isn't it?

Hmmm, N9, good thought-provoking questions!
I'm going to ponder a bit, and I'll be back!


Starry

LL -

quote:

I can’t help but imagine myself being on the receiving end of having email contact abruptly withdrawn in such a way and it would really really upset me. I’d experience it as a punishment,

I DID feel like it was a punishment at first - exactly! That was part of my confusion and crying initially - I kept thinking, "why would he do this to me, why would he hurt me like this?" ~ exactly what I would have thought of my father if I had been able to see clearly 25 years ago. (in addition to him not speaking to me for not allowing him to have revenge on the rapist, my mother couldn't get over why I apparently "didn't fight back hard enough" - so I didn't have much clarity back then - just now getting that.)

Time and time again, however, as my T has pushed me, I've resented it, questioned his wisdom, and then after several days of pondering and praying for understanding, the clouds clear a little - just a little sometimes - and I am able to look back and see how what he said was exactly what I needed at the time. It was frustrating, but I grew. Last week, he said something like "this was never about being easy," and I was like, "yeah, that thought's long gone...."

That being said, I know the man's not perfect, and the timing of this "no more emails and I won't even read them if you send them" comment probably wasn't the best!

You're right, there's a goldmine of potential healing to talk this out. We did talk about how his emails reminded me of my dad's coldness, and we will definitely be talking about it again this Friday...!


Starry

Number9,
Been doing some thinking!
As for how the discussion went this past Friday, "was it productive?" ~ I'm not sure how productive, since there are still latent feelings. But T felt like there was more going on than I was currently aware of - that dad's refusal to speak to me was not the first time I'd been treated so coldly. I just don't recall any other instances, though. I do think the discussion was productive in that it certainly prepared me for the next level, so to speak. He told me that I was the only patient that he had been allowing me to email him at all (I hadn't known that!) and that he only allowed it initially because he felt it would be for my good, and helpful for him as well. Then he talked about how it had become counterproductive (my word), and to not email anymore. That's when I said, "Not even if it's something really good, like ....?" and he said no, if I send any, he won't even read them.

If he had just randomly set this boundary a few months ago, I'm sure it would have been even harder, and because of no "build-up," so to speak, I wouldn't have seen the sense of it, whereas now I do see a little - starting to anyway - of the sense it's making.

quote:

N9 "I'm also quite curious about this "regulation of emotions" you speak of. I have to ask: Is it your goal in therapy, to get to the point that when you are triggered, you can learn to "Just Stop" feeling the emotions that you feel? (or did I misinterpret what you meant by "regulation"? IS this your goal? Is it your T's goal? Questions to ponder.

If it is, what then, is your T planning on doing to help you deal with HIDDEN emotions that will inevitably arise? Because that is what is being created when we try to "Just Stop" feeling what we feel. What are your thoughts about this?"

Argh. That's the stuff I had to contemplate overnight, and I still don't really know. My knee-jerk reaction IS to "just stop" feeling things that are upsetting - a coping mechanism gone too far, I'm sure. When I was raped, I didn't feel anger or injustice. When my dad stopped speaking to me, I didn't feel anger or hurt - or at least, didn't acknowledge it - and when my mom in essence blamed me, I didn't feel angry and indignant. I just shut everything off, assuming it was all my fault, and just tried to bury it all. T is helping me to recognize what they did to me and to make sense of it all.

NOW, when I really allow myself to feel the emotions, they feel overwhelming, and reflect my inability to strike a balance. For example - (trigger alert) if I get really hurt and I'm angry about it, I'll feel so overcome with the feelings that I'll hit myself. Punch myself in the leg til the pain makes me feel better. ~The "just stop" you mentioned. Very rare, thankfully - but the physical pain seeems to replace the emotional pain, and I can deal with the former better than the latter. (YES, while rare, this is something I will talk to T about at some point....)

I only mention that to show you what I mean by needing to learn how to self-regulate so I can find the balance between feeling extremes and shutting down. The yo-yo only seems to happen in relation to things I'm going through transference with, btw, because that's very atypical of me otherwise.

I really appreciate you asking those questions - definitely got me thinking! Sorry for the uber-long reply!

Starry

Hi Starry and Number9,

If it’s okay I just want to say something about emotional regulation. All human beings have feelings. Feelings are vital to our being able to experience the fullness of life, they are what give meaning to the important moments and can sustain us through difficulties. They should not control what we do at all times, BUT they always provide important information about ourselves and thus, should always be heeded if not acted on. But in order to use your emotions in this way, you have to be able to do two things, feel them and not be overwhelmed by them.

The definition of trauma is an event that overwhelms our capacity to process what is happening as it is happening. In other words, our feelings became SO intense that we were not capable of feeling them and understanding them. For many victims of long term childhood trauma, we learn NOT to feel because our feelings were too threatening. Combine this with the fact that long term abuse indicates a lack of an attuned attachment figure and we never had the opportunity to learn out to regulate our emotions.

So regulating our emotions isn’t about NOT having feelings (or more accurately, repressing them so we don’t have to handle them) as this is very troublesome and unhealthy, as Number9 rightly pointed out. We become deadened which can make life feel like a chore to be got through and feelings tend to be like the undead, they do not rest easy and you never know when a hand will shoot through the soil and grab your ankle. So one of the goals of healing is often (and I know it very much was for me) to learn to allow ourselves to experience our feelings, to be able to have them. Feelings are meant to flow through us. We are a consistent “I” whose feelings are constantly changing. We have a feeling, we acknowledge it and can let it go, making room for the feelings coming behind it. But when we are terrified of our feelings, we block them which interrupts the flow. When we go to unblock them, it can act like a sudden thaw in a river so that you get white water, running over the banks. The feelings we have blocked are so intense and have been stored under such deep pressure, that when they burst forth, we can feel overwhelmed. A good therapist stays with you and actually helps you “contain” the feelings. Your connection with them helps you tolerate the intensity so that you are not overcome by it and you can actually “feel” the feeling and let it flow through. This makes more room internally and frees up the energy you were using to hold the feelings down. Eventually, you will learn to do this yourself.

So regulating your emotions is not code for “stop that!” a message we heard way too much as children. It’s about being able to feel your emotions, but in a way that does not overcome you. You can recognize that you are sad, or angry, or hurt, or happy, or confused, or scared, or joyous, or comforted, without the feeling threatened by having the feeling or the need to stop having the feeling. The energy of the emotion moves through you. Sorry this is hard to articulate because it is about our feelings and not about our intellect.

So I think Starry, as painful as it to lose your ability to email, your T is stopping that because it seems to be contributing to you being overwhelmed by your emotions instead of helping you to manage them. I remember once talking to my T about emailing and being worried I was doing so too much. He told me that I wasn’t but that even if I was, the result would be us talking about it. Not because I would be in trouble, but because the email escalating would be a sign it wasn’t helping and we’d need to find another way to help me. That seems to me to be what your T is doing.

A good therapist is a lot like a good parent, they cannot just give us whatever we want, because everything we want is not necessarily good for us. Would it have been less painful, if your T has just never allowed you to email? Yes. But he’s human and was willing to try this for you. But it sounds like at this point, he thinks you are actually being harmed by communicating in this manner. At that point, it is the ethical thing for him to do to stop allowing it, even though that is painful and obviously evokes some bad associations for you.

So use this. Talk about how it feels and why, what it reminds you of. It’s when we run into the boundaries and are willing to discuss what they evoke, that we often do our healing.

AG

**trigger for self harm**

quote:

NOW, when I really allow myself to feel the emotions, they feel overwhelming, and reflect my inability to strike a balance. For example - (trigger alert) if I get really hurt and I'm angry about it, I'll feel so overcome with the feelings that I'll hit myself. Punch myself in the leg til the pain makes me feel better. ~The "just stop" you mentioned. Very rare, thankfully - but the physical pain seeems to replace the emotional pain, and I can deal with the former better than the latter. (YES, while rare, this is something I will talk to T about at some point....)

Starry, hi.

I could have wrote this (exchange leg for a different part of myself). For me, it finally helped to talk to my T about my behavior. Although I thought she would scold me, she reacted with compassion and concern and tried to express that I try to feel the urge to SH before it happen (i.e. the trigger) and then distract myself. But, it was exactly like you said. And, my behavior didn't start until I began therapy (till I began feeling soooo much all at once that I was so overwhelmed). The problem is, it escalated, needing to do more, because I started to become 'immune' to the physical pain. The emotional pain then was still there. My T said, this is much like an 'addiction.' How with the SH we are trying to teach our brain a new way of thinking, which is dangerous. I hope you can talk to your T about this. For me, when I finally did, the next time I felt like doing it, a month later, I was able to notice that I wanted to, wrote it in my journal, but didn't do it. I wrote down all the feelings I could think of that I was feeling and then it 'passed' and I went to sleep. And, I felt good that I could do that, and I was able to share that with my T next time and she was pleased. I hope the same for you.

Ahh, AG, such good counsel. I am working on finding that balance, and I know I will find it one day.

quote:

A good therapist is a lot like a good parent, they cannot just give us whatever we want, because everything we want is not necessarily good for us. Would it have been less painful, if your T has just never allowed you to email? Yes. But he’s human and was willing to try this for you. But it sounds like at this point, he thinks you are actually being harmed by communicating in this manner. At that point, it is the ethical thing for him to do to stop allowing it, even though that is painful and obviously evokes some bad associations for you.

It has been painful, but I don't think I would have it any other way - I want to learn and grow. Even with all the yuck. One thing I remember telling my T early on is that I'm tired of things in my life that aren't REAL - I want reality and truth, I would say quite vehemently. ...Sometimes I regret that, but in my stronger moments, I mean it.


Starry

Ninn, thank you so much for your compassion and understanding, though I'm sorry that you do understand!

quote:

it was exactly like you said. And, my behavior didn't start until I began therapy (till I began feeling soooo much all at once that I was so overwhelmed). The problem is, it escalated, needing to do more, because I started to become 'immune' to the physical pain. The emotional pain then was still there. My T said, this is much like an 'addiction.' How with the SH we are trying to teach our brain a new way of thinking, which is dangerous. I hope you can talk to your T about this.

I will definitely talk to him, because what was once only yearly has certainly grown exponentially, and is very much related to needing an outlet for feelings that overwhelm me.
I first began seeing him for self-sabotaging behaviors, so combined with the other things that come to light, this may not surprise him!
Thank you for sharing your experience, and for the encouragement.

Hugs,
Starry