Here are some helpful notes, I will keep adding as I learn... (a lot of this comes from the dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook)
- every relationship consists of two people trying to get what they need. Sometimes they need the same thing, but when they need different things at the same time or one of them needs something the other doesn't want to give, you must learn to do the following:
* know and say what you desire
* notice or find out what the other person desires
* negotiate and compromise so you can get at least some of what you want.
* give what you can of what the other person wants
Using assertiveness to negotiate conflicts and keep the "I want-they want" ratio balanced is vital to maintaining healthy relationships.
The "shoulds"- If you focus most of your attention on what another "should" do for you without giving anything in return, or what you "should" do without caring for your own needs, one of the people in the relationship will soon feel resentful.
Some common "should" feelings or beliefs that can overpower your ability to ask for what you want and leave you feeling helpless are:
* you should try to give everything asked of you in a relationship, putting your own needs aside.
* when someone is in pain, you should do anything required to help them
* you should be caring and considerate at all times.
* you shouldn't ask for something if you know the other person doesn't want to give it.
* there is a right way to act with people, and it should be followed even if it means keeping quiet about your own feelings and needs.
* you shouldn't say no to people, it's impolite.
* you shouldn't express feelings that might upset someone, it's wrong.
* you should respond to the needs of others because their needs are a high priority.
* you should never hurt or offend anyone.
* you should try not to disappoint others.
While there is nothing wrong with having values about how you treat others, you must strike a balance in your ability to get your needs met and deal with others in a self-respectful way. Both excessive passivity or aggression damages relationships. Being passive seems to protect the relationship in the short term, but eventually collapses into severe resentment. Being aggressive and controlling pushes people away.
Key interpersonal skills
Know what you want. How do you determine what you want in a relationship? It starts with paying attention to perhaps a sense of yearning or discomfort, then finding ways to describe your feeling.
Ask for what you want- in a way that protects the relationship. Put your needs into words that are clear, not attacking, and ask for a specific behavioral change.
Negotiate conflicting wants. Make a clear commitment that there won't be winners or losers. Assume that each person's needs are valid and try to see things from the other's point of view as well as your own. Be willing to compromise so each person gets part of what they want.
Gather information. One of the most crucial parts of interpersonal effectiveness is gaining a clear understanding of the other person's needs, fears, hopes and desires. The blocks to this are falsely assuming you know what the other wants, project your own fears, needs or feelings onto them, fearing the worst answer or not knowing what to ask.
Say no- in a way that protects the relationship. Any relationship becomes dangerous without the ability to say no, it is like being in a car with a gas pedal and no brake. The two steps to saying no are 1. validate the other person's needs and desires, 2. state a clear preference not to do it. Try saying "I'd prefer" or "I'm not comfortable" without offering justification for your position. It is important to not give anything to use against you- you can't argue with someone's feeling or preference.
Act according to your values. Don't be surprised when valueless relationships don't work out well. People who constantly invalidate you, threaten to abandon you if they don't get their way, threaten, belittle, blame, guilt-trip or abuse you in any other way are best avoided.
Being specific with others about your needs can bring up paralyzing anxiety, especially if you grew up in a very invalidating family that taught you the myths that your needs do not matter, it is wrong or selfish to want anything, or hearing no will be unbearable.
The truth is, you are a human being who inherently has desires, pains, struggles, and you are entitled to be heard. Hearing no can be incredibly painful, but it will not destroy you. You can't control the behavior of others, you can only choose how you respond to them.
Here is a list to remind you of your legitimate rights as a human.
You have a RIGHT to:
1. Need things from others and ask for help. Every human needs things from others, and our whole lives are spent negotiating for our needs. (even if the answer isn't always yes)
2. Put yourself first sometimes.
3. Feel and express your emotions and pain.
4. Be the final judge of your beliefs and experiences and accept them as legitimate.
5. Your own opinions and convictions
6. Protest unfair treatment or criticism
7. Negotiate for change
8. Say no- this is healthy and necessary, it does not make you bad or selfish, and you do not have to justify your reasons to others.
9. Not take responsibility for others problems
10. Choose not to respond to a situation
11. Sometimes inconvenience or disappoint others
(Place a copy of this list where you will see it everyday to remind yourself or your rights!!)
Remember how to negotiate with RAVEN
Relax. Accept conflict calmly and breath deeply to release tension before you speak.
Avoid aggression or passivity. Be mindful of not falling into patterns of shutting down in withdrawal, belittling, or threatening.
Validate the other person. Focus on finding a fair, mutually agreeable outcome where both people get some needs met, instead of declaring a winner and loser to the outcome.
Examine your values. How do you wish to be treated? How do you want to treat others? What do you want to achieve in the relationship?
Neutral voice. Keep contempt out of your voice, even if you need to take a set time out to calm down before finishing the discussion.
Remember that inevitably problems and conflicts arise in all relationships. No interaction will go perfectly, and sometimes you will over or under react. Practice each day to strengthen your skills and eventually it will become less of a challenge and more of a habit. It takes time to learn new ways of interacting, so shrug it off when it doesn't work and just keep practicing
I hope any of these notes will help someone else!!
I've tried a few groups in the past (not DBT groups, just regular therapy groups) and it was not a good experience for me either. I hope you still feel some of the benefit, I agree with Cat it is very good info!