I saw my t today and she knew I have been having a very hard time. i read out an 8 page letter about how I found last session (the one where she cried and then a two page piece about the thing I have not been able to talk about and desperate to talk about.
She just listened quietly. I felt heard.
and she actually had to read aloud the two page thing as I could not do it as it is too difficult, excruciating and embarrassing for me to say.
When she finished reading it, I was already pretty snuggled up and just let out some big sobs that had got all caught up inside, and she kissed the top of my head.
And stroked my hair and held me.
And then
I could ask her if she was badly hurt last week, when I made her cry, and she said that "yes, it was very painful. That to have things said about you and at you that are so untrue but said so strongly on and on and on, is very hard and yes, it hurt but then I am human and I am not a machine or cardboard cut out of a therapist, I am a feeling human being. "

She said she cares about me deeply, she started with that. that she cares deeply and that I really really matter to her.

That helped - to hear that really helped.

I feel I can feel her caring again.