Jane,
I don't know if this will help but I've always throught of an intrusive memory as a flashback that just keeps happening over and over. I would describe what happened to you as a flashback. You were still aware of here and now but the fact that you could't feel your body and then got flooded with emotions sounds like memories of feelings. Since numbing is often a disassociative technique, I have to believe that when you got triggered, you felt numb because you were remembering feeling numb. The immediancy of the feeling stems from the fact that it was a traumatic memory. FWIW, you handled it really well. You recognized what was going on, you let yourself feel some of it, and then you stopped and took care of yourself until you felt grounded enough to be present and deal with things.

When I was processing a lot of the trauma and recovering memories, those kinds of flashbacks would happen. Sometimes it almost felt like these memories that had been held down for so long waited for an opportunity to pop out when i wasn't "looking" so to speak. I found that as I have handled the feelings and memories, flashbacks have become much less frequent and easier to handle. They don't feel overwhelming anymore.

And may I agree that PTSD is really crummy to live through. It's difficult and painful and confusing but you can be in pain and not going anywhere or in pain and getting better. I think you're making the right choice.

AG

Hi Jane, I don't know much about either but I have had flashbacks that are like voices and faces and memories that happen in a split second and then it is gone but it then reoccurs over and over again. I just also wanted to say I hope you are feeling better now.

I get detailed flashbacks of traumatic stuff and get triggered pretty easily because my trigger involves getting a phone call from certain people or certain phrases, but most of that trauma is very recent. I described it in another thread and it's not super-relevant here. JD, I am impressed at how well you stayed grounded and moved through that experience. I usually either completely dissociate or act out with my flashbacks. Such a great sense of self-awareness!

Last night I had the weirdest experience, which I can't really describe in detail, since I don't want to be triggering to anyone else.
And, just in case, TRIGGER WARNING.

I was with H and all of a sudden what was going on made me feel trapped, nauseous, and like I was wrong and disgusting. I started instinctively positioning myself to block access, wanting to go all fetal, but basically paralyzed to say or do anything to H about it and just tried to push through, dissociate and get it over with as quickly as possible. I still haven't told H, because he easily takes things personally, feeling rejected. The hard part was, I can't identify any reason for me to feel like I was under attack, but it was like an overwhelming, but familiar sickening feeling. My H has sexsomnia and is my only partner EVER, so it was only recently that I discovered it is not normal for most women to experience a majority of intimacy in their sleep without having given permission, but because it has been so normal to me for literally 10+ years now, I don't think that's it. Plus, I was awake and this was consensual, discussed. Has anyone ever had a flashback-type reaction without being able to identify a specific incident or even remember having felt that way in the past? Maybe it's just dream-related or something, but I still feel nauseous thinking about how I felt.

The worst part is I don't think I can tell T about it. I just recently gave him a list of things I don't want to talk about and intimacy stuff is on that list, because I don't know what's appropriate for me as a married, Christian woman to discuss with him as a married, Christian man...even if he is my T and my dad's age and also treats H and knows about H's medical and related emotional issues. Basically, I can't feel comfortable telling him anything about that area unless he specifically lays out the boundaries, because if I start talking and he redirects me that it's not appropriate, I will beat the $#!+ out of myself for not having known to avoid it. I don't know what to do.

Yak,

I want you to know that I've had what I call emotional flashbacks that don't relate to a particular memory very similar to what you described. It has happened during intimacy with my husband where I also feel bad or like I have to perform or scared. I have a history of child sexual abuse but I don't always have a memory that resembles the activity that my husband and I were participating.

I'm sorry you don't feel like you can talk to your T about it. I really don't have any advice about that because while I have told my T about it I haven't been able to work through it with him. He suggested I stop the activity and tell my H I'm not okay right then but like you I don't want to hurt my H and part of the flashback is the feeling of paralysis and like I can't talk.

Di

incognito - Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's so reassuring. Just wish I knew where it came from. I've had my share of bad experiences, but I can't ever remember feeling that assaulted. And it feels horrible to have to use that word about my H, who was just being tender and sweet.

I get myself paranoid too, because I recently found out that I witnessed my sister being physically assaulted by my mom's boyfriend at 5-years-old, but don't remember it. I remember knowing the hole in the hallway wall was his fault, but apparently saw him throw her into the wall and drag her down the hallway by her hair. But my knowledge about it feels like a story I was told ("Ken is mean and bad--he broke the wall!"). Anyway, I guess it has me kind of paranoid that things I've accepted as true might not be. I don't know if I even really believe my sister that I was there, honestly...it seems impossible for something that big to not have registered.