Well, Debbeye...

I think it's a question of having to figure out which of these feelings and interpretations you're having are genuinely coming from your T's actions in the present, and which of them are coming from your unconsciously-held beliefs and feelings left over from stuff that happened to you in the past. I think that there is some of each here.

c

Debbye, there is a lot going on in your email... the first of which is that you and your T need to discuss and clarify or set boundaries as to outside contact, what is allowed, what you should expect and what to do in an emergency. For example, my T has extremely clear and consistent boundaries around outside contact. No texting. He hates to text. I can email him but it will usually be 12-24 hours before I can expect a response. If I do not hear from him in 24 hours he tells me to resend it in case it got lost or he missed it somehow. If I NEED to talk to him I can page him. It will take anywhere from one hour to several hours to hear back from him. He NEVER checks his office voice mail on weekends and he tells me to use only for non important matters. I never use it. For true emergencies I have his cell number and he is okay with me using it if I need to. I never have. My T never initiates an email or phone call unless it relates to a session change or cancellation. If I need him, it's up to me to make that contact.

And so... in your post above you are angry at him for not checking voice mail over the weekend and when he tells you he never does you don't believe him? Then you ask if you should text him to text you back to say hi how are you... but I think a better solution would be for you to text him and say... it's a sad anniversary and I'm feeling alone or sad or scared or whatever you feel... and tell him it would help to hear something reassuring back from him to help you through it. My told me in the beginning he would never promise to contact a client at a particular day or time because it would cause much damage and hurt should he somehow forget to do it. So I know that it's up to me to ask him for the reassurance.

Your T did call you today because he went to the office and listened to his voice mail. He didn't text you but he did call you when he got the message. That shows to me that he does care and is not like everyone else.

You also wonder what you would do in case of an emergency... well, I think this is something you need to discuss with him before there is an emergency. You say he leaves his cell phone on during your sessions... does he take calls and talk to other clients during your sessions? My T leaves his phone on and it will beep at times and he may glance at the number calling but he never takes the call. He tells me that he will only take a call from his daughter or wife but they never call him during session except for emergencies. In 16 months he has never taken a cell call. If you feel your T is taking calls and wasting your session time, then again, you need to tell him this.

Having his secretary have access to his voicemail messages seems like a breach of confidentiality unless he says that this is not a confidential message on his recording and that others have access to his messages. Again, you will need to clarify this with him.

I realize that you will think I'm siding with your T but I'm not. The reason I'm pointing out these things is because there is a lack of clear communication about the boundaries and expectations around outside contact. If it's not discussed it will fester and contaminate your therapy with him. You will be suppressing your anger towards him and in expressing it and your displeasure at the way he handles this you can also tap into what this all triggers in you. I can see a trigger in your statement wondering if your T is just like everyone else who can walk by you without caring? You have obviously been hurt in the past by others important to you who did not pay attention to you when you were hurting. His perceived actions in this case are tapping into those old feelings and the pain they caused you in the past. All really good things to bring to your next session with T.

I am sorry he disappointed you and that you experienced pain in not hearing from him on the anniversary. I do understand that pain. In fact, I emailed my T tonight because today was a very painful anniversary for me. I know I will hear back from him in the morning so until then I will have to sit with the feelings or talk about them here.

I truly believe if you bring all this hurt to your T you will find healing and the next time you need him, you will know just what to do and hopefully T will not disappoint you again.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

TN

I am learning to ask for what I need and my T will absolutely try her hardest to help me. We have discussed all the issues around contact and I know what to expect - but I have to be clear so that T doesn't misinterpret what I need. The rupturs we have had have been around contact and her forgetting something she has promised - she was busy, she forgot etc - to her it was an oversight to me it felt like life and death. Each time it happens I get angry, super upset, write my feelings down in an email in a constructive way - not an angry way and we discuss it together and find a resolution.

My T has said that she will read her emails on a certain day and reply. I 100% rely on that. When she doesnt do it I fall apart (I am only in the early months of being attached to her so not yet able to self regulate at all). Having a set day - does set us both up for disappointment and opportunity for ruptures - it has happened but we have got through it. The rupture and repair means we have the chance to talk thru the issues and fix things. Each time I have become even closer to her.

So my suggestion is to talk to T about this and explain how it has affected you.

Thanks for the replies. You’re right, TN, I could’ve texted him that I wanted some contact with him that day. Yes, his cell is on during sessions but he only answers it if it’s someone from his family with a problem. I think the trigger is that someone has to or feels forced to care about me and it makes me feel like a burden so I was asking in my message if he would care to text me, and he didn’t. I have a session tomorrow so we’ll probably talk more about it. Thanks, ~D.

I think you should discuss your expectations with him in person i.e. checking weekend messages. If you want him to text you on a certain day/time because its really important to you you should probably also have asked him and pre arranged it in person not on his voicemail.