Did I just write that??!!! Why is it that it doesn't feel okay to allow ourselves those moments? I mean, I'm spending $120/hr weekly/bi-weekly on trying to learn how to get ourselves to that point and when we finally do, no matter how briefly, we deny them. This is confusing the hell outta me!!!
If I were to take an honest look at where this denial stems from, I think it's from my parents and their belief(s). For some reason, I'm only just now remembering times when I would try to express some happy moments during my childhood / teenage and subsequent adulthood years only to be knocked down by those infamous words "you're only seeing things thru rose-coloured glasses. That's not what real life is about. There, there, dear, you'll come crashing back down to earth eventually".
I can sense there are small buds that want to grow but I'm finding myself doing everything in my power to obliterate them. Nope, not allowed. That's not reality. Unless I'm hurting 24/7, I'm in lala land. Reality will get us sooner or later. My question to them now is why CAN'T joy and hopefulness be part of my reality? Why must you insist life is nothing but misery?? Unless I'm suffering, things aren't right. What parent says that???
I'm trying so hard NOT to squelch those buds of hopefulness and joy whenever they make an appearance but no sooner do they do that, then they're gone. Poof! Just like the "Whack-a-Mole" game.
I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense but trying to repair/change/upgrade my faulty "computer operating system" from one version to the next is bloody exhausting! Where's that cursed startup disk that allows you to re-install everything from scratch anyway??
The Kid