Hi Marsh,

So I keep trying to gather this from my T too! I certainly have several different child ages inside me, all directly related to trauma at thatage. They all certainly feel part of me, but are all very distnct in age and behaviour. I know there is a great range on the dissociative spectrum, from mild dissociation to DID and I guess I would be much nearer the latter. As I am able to talk more about what I have experienced, then the ages seem more apparent and their memories keep surfacing.

How does it happen for you? What has your T said about this to you I wonder? Don't answer of course if you can't,

starfish

Hi Marsh,
For what it's worth, I've never been diagnosed with DID, just PTSD and I've never had any experiences that would lead me to believe that there is more than one personality. I am a singleton . But when I was recovering memories and processing the trauma, I found two parts of myself, a little girl around 4-5 years old (the age I believe the sexual abuse started) who I called "Little AG" and later found a 12 year old boy named "Tommy" which was my older brother's name, who was very angry and whose job it was to NOT let Little AG trust anyone as she carried the worst of the memories. She had actually left and "died" so that I could go on.

I remember worrying about it being DID at the time (well MPD since that's what the diagnosis was at the time) but when I discussed it with my T she explained that disassociation occurs along a spectrum. At one end you have the normal stuff like zoning out when you drive a familar route you know well, then as you experience trauma and abuse there is an increasing amount of disassociation with a fragmenting of your experience, with parts of yourself getting split off from conscious memory (hence the term "integration" when trying to heal) with the other end of the spectrum being DID where the split parts become fully formed personalities. So these younger ages of myself were parts of me I had walled off from conscious memory because I didn't have the resources to deal with those memories or feelings. Once I let them speak and remembered what "they" remembered, their experiences became mine so I no longer feel like I have 'parts." But in the beginning, it was helpful for me to think of them as separate because it was easier for me to let that part of myself speak that way. Hope that helps.

A sidenote if I may. I know there are several members diagnosed with DID and if I mistated something or even worse, said anything offensive, let me know. It feels a little presumptious to speak of something I have never experienced and the last thing I would want to do is offend any of you. I have a deep respect for what you have suffered and the incredible depths of creativity and resilancy it took to survive what happened.

AG

Hi SF, AG, & DF

Ty to all of you for replying. It appears I have 3 different children for sure. Although I feel or sense 2 more the first being who is probably pre-verbal I believe. I do not even know her name or if she/he is real.

The 2nd one is around 4 yrs of age. She calls herself *Grief*. She is a very terrified, tormented, scared, hurt, and in pain (phyically & emotionally young child). She prefers to hide in dark places so as to not be found by them (parents) who would hurt her more. She crys and whimpers a lot and she is very untrusting of adults.

The 3rd calls herself *Kristy*, she is around 5 to 5 1/2 yrs old. She is a little more able to talk with me.(not audibly but like I can sense or feel what she is saying). She is stubborn and has a bit of a scraper personality.

The 4th calls herself *Trish*. She is 7 yrs. old. She is a cut and dried Tomboy. She also seems to take on the responsibility of a protector of all the earlier children. She seems to be painfully aware of keeping track of them (parents) and warns the others to hide. Trish has a lot of anger and mistrust pent up.

The possible 5th child calls himself Ty and is 10 yrs old. He is also a protector of all the other children. He also has anger issues and a bad temper. I really don't know too much more about him as yet.

I have no idea as to what range of the spectrum I am in. I do know that I don't hear them audibly but that I can sense and feel their presence and what they are trying to relate to me so I can put it all into words. It just seems strange and odd it occurs like this. I question my sanity because of this!

My T says I am not *DID* but that I am definately C PTSD, C Depression, C Pain, panic/anxiety, phobias and attachment injuries, and anger & rage issues. She believes I am also BPD but on the high functioning side.
Now I do Question the last one above!!!

Until I started therapy I had never heard of nor thought of Inner Children. My T explained it to me and then asked me to start free writing while thinking about an inner child so as to get to know it and care about it.

All my life I have talked to myself an then answered myself. When my kids or my DH would catch me I would just say to them: I am having a conversation with *me, myself and I*and that it is a private conversation so stop interrupting me!!! They would give me a strange look and walk away! They probably thought I was crazy.

quote:

I do know that I don't hear them audibly but that I can sense and feel their presence and what they are trying to relate to me so I can put it all into words. It just seems strange and odd it occurs like this. I question my sanity because of this!

Hi Marsh,
I don't have a lot of time right now, I need to get dinner on but I wanted to reassure you that you described how it was for me to communicate with my little ones. Of course, just because I did that too might not be too reassuring on the sanity front considering the source.

But seriously, you're not crazy, you're having reasonable reactions to unreasonable circumstances. The creativity of our minds in preserving our sanity and sense of self is really incredible. This is not a sign of weakness that these littles are present but a sign of resiliancy and strength. It is thanks to them that you are here, intact.

AG