It is absolutely 100% worth it.
The part of you that feels worthless, alone and hopeless is not all of you and it can be healed.

You are very much worth it but I can understand the feelings of exhaustion and the questionning.
Please remember that you will not feel like this forever, these feelings will pass.

xxx

(((anon))) YOU are worth it!! don't give up hope!
hope is the most precious thing to me, i couldnt have survived otherwise. and there were (and are) many times when i have lost it, but i always got it back, because it's the only thing i had, the only thing that was mine.
even if you don't believe that you are worth it (yet), hold on to your hope, it is precious and it will get you where you deserve to be!

from someone who isn't so far along but still has hope

lots of hugs,
puppet

(((((anon)))))
no, you don't sound melodramatic. you sound tired of the climb. i could have written your post, specifically this part:

quote:

Is there really even freedom waiting for me or is it simply the cruelty of fully seeing my bonds and knowing the impossibility of release?

I don't want to fail.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to be trapped anymore.

But I don't want to fight either. I don't want to be confused about who I even am all the time.

i really dont have any great words of wisdom as i'm going through alot of the same feelings as you. i know it can be hard, but i like what puppet has to say about hope. if you can just snag a little piece of it sometimes it's enough to carry you through to a half-way decent spot.

you are valued here a lot, anon. you provide so much love and support to people here, and that goes a long way in showing the valued, deserving person you are. hang on, okay? it WILL get better. lots of safe hugs

((blu)) it makes me sad to hear you say that you gave up... like you said maybe it is more a 'giving in' or a better way to look at it - you took a step back and are gathering your resources till you feel strong enough to fight again.

p.s. i hope my previous post didnt sound like it's so easy to keep your hope. i know how hard it is and the feeling of hopelessness all to well

puppet

(((Green Eyes))) (((Iris))) (((poppy))) (((puppet))) (((CD))) (((Blu)))

I'm sorry I can't respond individually right now, as I'm on my phone, but I appreciated so much waking up to all your words of encouragement and shared experiences. It makes me feel less alone, especially knowing that others struggle with moving forward sometimes too.

For now, I guess I have to say that I know where the other path leads, for the most part. And while I felt I could do more good for others that way, nobody ever really knew me, because I couldn't be safe even letting me do that. Knowing my own sensitivity and the experiences which made it impossible to be the person I was "designed to be," my native self from birth, comes at a great cost. I don't know if I will continue being willing to pay it forever. But, I'm just trying to think about the next day. For tomorrow, it might be worth it to keep trying, to hope there is a plan behind the journey I started over two years ago.

Blu - Thank you so much for sharing your experience of giving in. (((Hugs))) the great thing about life is that being truly lost is only not choosing where to go next. Everything else is wandering. Whatever way we try, whether it worked or did not, is maybe not so much losing our way as trying all the paths available and seeing whether they are moving us toward the desperately longed-for home that will provide sense and safety. I guess, I hope for both of us to have the courage, when needed, to say, "I suppose that wasn't the road that will take ME home," but to keep hoping for the home that is the natural dream of the human heart. It's so hard to do that when you feel, just maybe, you don't belong amongst humanity. One thing I've appreciated about my own journey is that the parts I do remember, they ARE mine, they are me, and I wouldn't give that up. Maybe I will be wandering paths meant for others for a long time, or maybe stumbling in some sort of spiritual wilderness, but no matter where it takes me, I'd like to some day be able to say, about all of it (even the stuff I never wanted to know that other parts protected me from), "But that is mine; it's who I am, and I won't surrender it." In a small way, I validate my existence by doing so. And...maybe that is worth something, at least.

I'm sorry if I've gone too existential or philosophical. I guess I'm realizing, maybe I don't need to fight (aside from the literal insurance related issues). Maybe healing isn't some cause I'm championing or victory I'm trying to claim. Maybe it's just another moment of wanting to exist, despite growing up in a world that at times didn't seem to welcome me...

quote:

Maybe healing isn't some cause I'm championing or victory I'm trying to claim. Maybe it's just another moment of wanting to exist,

I really like that thought, will remember it.

I agree with Held..I really like what you said there.

I'm in much the same place, Non. I keep thinking that maybe I should just stop and give in to the way things have always been. Or stop while I'm ahead, before I get hurt again. But I haven't done that yet, and I guess it's because a part of me doesn't want to give up. And there's a part of you that doesn't want to give up, either. It's the reason you posted about it instead of just resigning yourself.

You ARE worth it.

Existing is what we know and understand - living is what we fear and cannot comprehend.

(((HIC))) (((kashley))) (((scars)))

Thanks for all your support. In a pretty bad spot just now, but did want to let you all know I was reading and appreciated that you wrote