((((CAT))))

Maybe you will just miss the connection? It's such a wonderful thing to feel connected, isn't it? And it sucks when it goes away. You are NOT being manipulative.

(((Liese))) I suspect little Cat is in attachment cry. I've had a hard day and I'm trying to sooth myself and seem to not know how right now food and petting my animals and safe thoughts are helping it's this out of control anxiety. It's so helping me just to type... it keeps me in the real world. Something broke thanks for listening.. !

TW: Suicidal thoughts

(((Cat))) I don't believe you have a manipulative bone in your body!! I think you believe that because you were consistently told and treated as if your very legitimate needs we're too demanding and too much, so expressing any need will evoke a deep sense of shame.

I agree with you that this is an attachment cry. I think you are having emotional memories of what abandonment felt like as a child (hence your adult understanding that you are not being abandoned, yet having such an overwhelming experience of feeling that way). My guess would be that it was such a horrible experience that you often felt despair and a wish to die (I dealt with some very strong memories of suicidal thought when processing my trauma). I am glad you are reaching out. Keep trying to use your grounding skills (which I know are many and varied) to remind yourself to stay in the present and recognize that these feelings are from the past, make total sense in context and DESERVE compassion both from yourself and others.

Much love, AG

Oh, Catalyst, please don't believe for a minute you're manipulative, or even that the therapist will judge you that way. One thing I recall is that we can feel okay to ask the T anything, because they have chosen that profession where people need them: So, it's up to them to gently show where their limit is about any request, which would be done sensitively.

I feel that kind of guilt, too, that maybe the T will think I'm manipulating the therapy, and I'm sure it comes from parents doing that accusation when we were little, and showing us up to be embarrassed and punished. It sounds so familiar, and the smarter and more domineering the parent was, the more cunningly they did that to us!

thank you...

i'm sorry i couldn't respond sooner... i spent the tail end of my week in all-day tears for the most part.

((draggers)) i understand the *like now* needing t back. something has happened recently where i'm supremely reliant on her consistency. she's going on vacation in a couple of weeks and i'm already crippled with anxiety. i told her i was worried about missing her... and rather than her usual 'i will miss you too' i got a weird look and she said it's probably because she's the only constant i have. i'm probably draining her i just keep projecting.

((AG)) yep... need shame you are right. i just don't know how to ... work through the abandonment? is it good enough that t will simply return? it does feel dispairing... death inducing, scary. i have transitional objects... she works so hard (and i too) to keep a connection so i feel like a total failure having any anxiety. like she's exasperated... i pay her handsomely not to show me that. i told her that... i know i can 'survive' without her around... i know what to do when i'm in crisis it's just not going to be comfortable. i'm trying to figure out a way how to not that LET make a crisis.

((Sky)) i hope you are right that she won't judge me that way! she has never shown anything except love.. and sometimes frustration... but mostly love... my parents were quite create... there wasn't really much i could do to get attention, it was generally a 'gotta ask' thing... like ask for a hug, or ask for feedback, etc. active pursuit. so maybe i feel that if i'm not being extremely straightforward it is manipulation. if i'm getting care i'm not asking for... then who knows WHY i'm receiving it... i've determined after a number of years it's not because t wants to hurt me... so i assume it's me and then i have to wonder what it was/is. ugh.

thank you so much guys.