What a godsend it was to find this site. I have a rather long story to share, and I hope it is o.k. to do so. I am feeling in desperate need of an objective opinion, however. About me: I have been a psychodynamic psychotherapist for 20+ years and in long-term psychodynamic therapy myself for over 27 years with the same therapist (who I will call Therapist A). The therapy has lasted so long because I have had many, many losses (deaths) over the years and come from an alcoholic, abusive family. At times, I questioned my need for continued therapy but was told by Therapist A that “the work of transference was not done” and that it would be a mistake to end prematurely, so I continued to follow treatment recommendations. Last October a horrible tragedy occurred in Therapist A’s life – her husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Of course, this event caused a deep upwelling of empathy in me for my dear therapist as well as a realistic fear that she may choose not to return to her practice and that I many never see her again. In the midst of my own grief (having just lost my father and sister 9 days apart one year prior due to the ravages of alcoholism and COPD) I agreed to see Therapist A's on-call, back-up colleague. This back-up therapist is well-schooled in psychodynamic theory (having graduated from the same Ivy League social work school as I did) and seemed like an excellent choice. In reality, however, her therapeutic style left me feeling confused and anxious. She began telling me detailed information about my beloved therapist’s private life and critiquing her ability as a therapist. She told me my therapist was ‘too uptight’ and ‘private’ and suggested my therapist had mishandled me in many ways over the years. Since initially, I was not told of the reason for Therapist A's absence, this on-call therapist took it upon herself to tell me in one session by saying “Don’t you read the newspaper? Her husband died.” (Quite an empathic delivery, right?) Needless to say, I became quite tearful and upset in that session. The on-call colleague responded by saying “Can’t you focus on all the good she has given you over the years? It wasn’t your husband that died so you need to ask yourself why you are so upset”. ( For those familiar with Myers-Briggs types, I am an INFP so I do not think it was out of the ordinary for me to express such deep empathy and sorry in reference to such a tragic loss in the life of someone I care for deeply. ) A few sessions later the on-call therapist said she met with Therapist A for a ‘mini therapy’ session and told me quote: “She is a wreck. She won’t be returning to therapy – she didn’t even ask about her clients”. Since Therapist A did not convey her retirement to me directly, I had no choice but to accept the news as the truth and began yet another deep grieving process.
After that last session with the on-call therapist, my Higher Self told me I could not continue seeing her. I sought out and found a wonderful, compassionate therapist (whom I will call Therapist B) whose style closely matches my own. In the meantime, I began receiving a series of emails from my original therapist (initiated by her) that, in addition to thanking me for my condolences, conveyed varying messages about her well-being and her decision whether or not to return to work. I still have these emails as evidence that I am not ‘crazy’ in imagining that she vacillated between an angry “I am retiring and you just need to accept it” to “I will be back someday and we will continue our work”. After a 4 mth absence, I was contacted directly by Therapist A and told that she was returning to work and would like to make an appt with me. Of course I jumped at the chance to see her again and “eyeball” for myself her state of well-being. The first few sessions back, she rather coldly told me she was retiring and had only returned to say ‘goodbye’. Of course, I cried my eyes out, but ultimately wanted her to do what was best for her. She continued to schedule sessions and as time went on she began altering her retirement date from 3 mths to 6mths to, most recently, 3 years. I was encouraged by her to keep seeing therapist B as Therapist A was working a much reduced schedule (only 2 days per week) and could not guarantee her continued availability. Therapist B ( whose style is very different) began counseling me that my original therapist was actually harmful to me. This was because Therapist A would not return urgent phone calls for several days, and often projected a harsh, blaming stance with me. Therapist B likened her to a chiropractor who creates more pain and bruising under the guise of therapeutic care and Therapist B was tired of running damage control. Therapist B is not a huge fan of psychodynamic therapy and has been increasingly vocal about the “harm’ my original therapist has been inflicting on me. After a couple of urgent phone calls I placed to Therapist A which she did not return, Therapist B suggested I express my anger directly to Therapist A rather than just accept the ‘substandard care.’ Something came over me, and for the first time in my treatment with Therapist A, I did express my anger in a direct, but not over the top way (as far as my observing ego can tell). I apologized in the same sentence stating that I could understand that she was experiencing a rough time and explained that Therapist B felt it would be therapeutic for me to get my own anger out regardless so as not to go on self-blaming. Therapist A did not handle my anger well. For the first time in 27 years she began talking about my need for DBT and my ‘borderline -like behavior’. This shocked me as I had never heard mention of this before from her or Therapist B. I reread the DSM criteria for BPD trying to be as objective as I can about myself. While I suffer from depression and grief and anxiety from time to time, I have never self-injured, been hospitalized, am not a substance abuser, don’t struggle with my identity, and have stable, long-term relationships. I am not saying I couldn’t use DBT right about now, but my Higher Self is telling me (as is Therapist B) that I am experiencing more of a grief reaction related to rather crazy situational events. Therapist A seems suddenly certain, though, that I have BPD and called my psychiatrist (without a written release, BTW) to convince her of the same. My psychiatrist admitted to me that she never saw me in this way but since Therapist A has know me for so long she can only defer to her judgment. So, not wanting to appear as if I am noncompliant with treatment, I made an appointment with a DBT therapist yesterday. When I spoke to Therapist B today and let her know, she said inviting another therapist in the mix at this time would be a mistake and encouraged me to cancel the DBT appointment (which I did so as not to appear noncompliant in her eyes !). Therapist B went on to say she was angry that my understandable, righteous anger and grief was being labeled as ‘borderline’. My Higher Self kind of feels the same way. I can’t help but thinking why, in all the 27 years of work is this is the first I’ve heard of my ‘borderline’ traits and need for DBT. I still feel such compassion for Therapist A and want to do what is best for me but I think I have to decide to no longer see her for my own well-being. Therapist B is actually making this a requirement if I want to continue seeing her. I am so confused and in so much pain. Any words of advice would be so appreciated. I apologize, again, for the long-winded post