Do you think maybe that was his way of letting you know he thinks you're a bit stubborn? ARE you stubborn? Do you think he could have meant it affectionately?

My T has told me a number of not-so-positive things about myself (like saying I'm not so great at this or that), and somehow I never took it as condescension, just honesty. Maybe it was in the delivery?

I would definitely bring it up to him if it bothered you, one way or the other.

hey, BLT. yes i am stubborn, and he's told me that before and i accept it. my point is that he wasn't being honest until after i pointed out that he was generalizing. then he said that i'm slow at what he just got done saying i'm good at . and THEN he changed the subject! to me the only honest thing about what he said is that i'm slow at getting things done.

i wrote in another thread how i had just returned after a month off from therapy. the month off turned out to be a good thing because i realized i was being very hard on myself between sessions. one session to the next was like a race against myself to see how fast i could make changes in myself, and then it would be time to meet and i hadn't accomplished anything and i'd have to go see him and have nothing good to report. and i'd beat myself up for not changing fast enough. and i was coming to peace with this realization and was willing back off from being such a bitch to myself, and hoping that the slack would remove the burden i held over myself and allow me the space to finally do the things i need to do. but now i have the two of us beating me up for not moving fast enough. i'm really torn and this is eating me up and i'm wondering if i'm even cut out for this stuff. i've been in tears all day over this.

it won't be easy because talking about anything does not come easy to me, but i will talk to him about this. thanks for your thoughts, BLT.

thanks draggers! you're right, badly chosen words and delivery can be brutal at times. and a huge part of it is the timing because i had just agreed with myself to back off a little. now i feel like i have no breathing room at all.

CD,

I'm sorry you are struggling with what your T said.

I wasn't there and can't hear the tone or the delivery so take this with a grain of salt. What I hear him saying is that yes he was making a generalization about how for most people (as you pointed out) it is easy to change what you want and not so easy to change what you don't. When he followed up after you pointed out that most people are probably like that I heard him saying that yes most people are like that, but for you it is harder to make changes. That doesn't mean you are bad and it doesn't say anything about you or how your T feels about you. Anyone with a background (not sure what yours is) that involves trauma/childhood issues is likely going to have more difficulty making changes than someone who has had a relatively "easy" course. It is just a fact of circumstance. That doesn't mean that you can't begin to make changes and learn to move through change with more comfort and ease. I didn't hear him telling you to speed up. More a recognition of "this is where you are at" and it is what it is at this point sort of thing. Perhaps it is an issue of poor wording on his part.

I would definitely talk to him about it if it is bothering you but I don't think he meant anything negative by it.

I've been reading this statement daily: "I am totally independent of the good or bad opinions of others." Perhaps it would be helpful to you (if not, toss it out )

thanks, ((( STRM ))). i often-times find that i need to down-shift, so thanks for the dose of reality. it seems i always hear criticism where none is intended. that whole part of our last session really did bring up a lot of stuff in me on many levels and i will talk with him about it at our next session. i really like your daily statement! i'll have to print that out and carry it with me because i need that constant reminder. thanks again, STRM!

((((cd))))

That would hurt me if I heard it too. I also don't think your T was trying to actually say something condecending or non-accepting of you.

One time, I asked my T if she saw me as "unstable." She paused, and said no, not at all. She the said, "I think you get easily overwhelmed, and have a lot of really awful circumstances you are trying to navigate through."

The words "you get easily overwhelmed" felt like a kick in the gut. I felt so bad - and I had somewhat expected her to say I was unstable or something like that. As I worked through it though, I came to actually appreciate this - I do get overwhelmed. sometimes very easily, and my T accepts me all the same. It helped me know that her acceptance of me really is unconditional. I don't have to be good at things to have her be ok with me. She sees my faults (painful) and sees my strengths, and accepts and cares deeply about all of me. And, as we talked about this, we talked about what I was working on to be less overwhelmed... the whole reason I was in therapy anyhow...

It's ok to be stubborn - it's got it's good sides to it. And it's ok to be slow to change, and in need of help to work on these things. My T told me that while I get easily overwhlmed, I also have strengths that come from that, and either way, she is ok with me. Hearing her say, I'm ok with your weaknesses, really helped me trust her more. I don't like that I have weakenesses, or that my T sees them - I get concerned that she will reject me for them. It didn't feel good at all to know she saw my faults. But what was just a simple comment by her, ended up being a shift in our relationship and the therapy as I realized she is ok with me having faults and weaknesses...

If this keeps bothering you (as it would me) I hope you might bring it up with your T, as he might be able to explain it more.

jd

I'm having trouble understanding why one would feel the need to change because someone on the outside wanted them to change. This doesn't work.

Sometimes T's don't mean to be condescending, but they ARE. My lesson was to learn to call them on it in the moment and not let stuff like this slide.

The comment about being "easily overwhelmed" was also a bit off. Some days are good, some days not so good, and that's the way it goes for most people unless they are living in the mountains with a bunch of monks. Many of us live a life with a lot of PRESENT DAY stress.

Stubborn is good. It means that one is wise and mature enough not to be swayed by every influence that comes along. It requires a strong sense of self. There are some things I'm very stubborn about, and for good reason.

I think it is also important not to exclude the possibility that a T is literally projecting some of their weaknesses onto a client (Do I detect a bit of impatience and low tolerance for frustration on the part of this T?)

IS he condescending? I don't know. But if YOU think he is, then trust you gut. Be stubborn. Don't change for HIM. Change for YOU.

Easy to forget this.

Also, I consulted a new T, and he did tell me that many T's get into the profession because they themselves are wounded (many much more so than I!! Yeah, I was shocked) So I have my own set of ground rules. I'm not there to be changed. Life is changing me, positive changes that come from my work. Therapy for me is supposed to be a refuge, where I am free to vent and be myself. I'm very clear about this. If I want negative comments, I'll get enough of that from the outside. I have a thick skin, but for me, negative comments and "confrontation" are not things I will put up with in therapy, and I got a referral from a friend who also feels the same way, so hopefully I don't have to draw up a boundary contract (NO means NO) However, this is just me. If you went into it wanting a more directive T, is your head, heart, and gut still in alignment with that idea?

Are you clear about what you want? The changes you want to make, is that YOUR agenda, or his?
And the pacing, is that your decision, or his?

Gotta ask. I may be asking this for my own sake as well. I'm back to seeing a T, but once a month is plenty for me. (Finances play a role)

Also keep in mind to take what I say with a grain of salt, as I do believe in independent thought Keep in mind that one of my goals is to speak up AT THE TIME I feel that something is off with another person, and to clarify and make the other person repeat what they said if it seems off. This works VERY well, because if they DID say something that really was a bit of a passive-aggressive barb, repeating it will often result in embarrassment on their part or a watering down of the original statement. It's fun to observe other people and their reactions, and T's are not gods by any means.

Hope all goes well!

((( jd ))) on a heart level i don't think T was being condescending or non-accepting of me, either. it's just that's what i expect to hear, so that's what i hear. i hear what you say about the "easily overwhelmed" comment. you prepare yourself for their response, and they come back with something even just a little bit askew from what you're expecting, and the world comes crashing down. this is one of the things that drives me mad about therapy. i hear what you're saying. and about your "it's ok to be stubborn" comment ... he even said to me that "it's good to see that strength (stubborness)". maybe that's part of what threw me off ... he said it's a good strength but then a few weeks later it's not so good. and he also said it's a paradox that oftentimes our strengths are also our weaknesses. all just so much to take in! thanks for your input, it means a lot!

number9, haven't seen you in awhile, and i'm glad you responded! i'm rather embarassed to admit this, but for my whole life i have always felt like i've just floated by the seat of my pants. meaning, i dont' seem to have any of my own drive. i am ALWAYS looking to the "outsider" to figure out my own issues. this very forum is a perfect example. again, i hate to say it, but it seems like so often i find exactly what i'm feeling in other peoples' descriptions. i just have a really difficult time describing what my own experience is. it's easier to empathize with what others are going through. not proud of this disclosure, but it is what it is.

i'll talk with T about it on Friday. a discussion i'm not looking forward to as this has brought up a LOT of stuff i was not aware of. thanks for your input, cuz it means a lot! i'll keep you posted ...