((GREENEYES))

It's so hard to know from out here in cyberspace exactly what is going on but it sounds very difficult. Is your H willing to do his own therapy? Have you thought about consulting with another T to get another perspective?

Yeah it is hard to know GE, but you do have to talk to your T about this and find out her point of view.

Something my T said today and has latched onto over the past few months is something in my marriage too. And it feels like she is encouraging me to stand up to him and to keep the option of separation open. It feels weird. Maybe she is just being the devil's advocate, but I find it strange. Maybe it is strange because people always say 'it can't be that bad / it would be a shame to separate / what about the kids etc. But i guess my T sees the pain and other stuff that other ppl don't. But she keeps talking about separating.

Your T should be doing the other side of the coin, and also encouraging you to be making new connections and relationships with new people.

It is really insightful for you to have realised what is going on though. Sometimes when it is happening to you it is hard to see outside the immediate realm of what is happening.

Let us know what happens.
somedays

((((Greeneyes))))

I think I can understand your situation. My W and I are separating. In a couple of weeks time we are moving out of our home and into individual places. Although I think my marriage was over unsalvageable before I started therapy, that wasn't the reason I went to see a T initially.

Somedays is quite right in saying

quote:

Your T should be doing the other side of the coin, and also encouraging you to be making new connections and relationships with new people

This is just what my T tried to get me to do, and it became apparent that due to W's insecurities, neediness and clingyness, I was living a totally codependent life according to her needs and unable to express my wishes. Btw, W did go to one session of therapy with a different T but then gave up!.As my T is a specialist relationship counsellor, she was keen for W and I to attend sessions together initially but I resisted that option, I think for two reasons. First, selfishly perhaps, I considered my sessions to be about me rather than 'us', and also because I knew deep down that the relationship wasn't saveable. As you have said 'no intimacy for a long time'. T did all she could to try to get me to save the relationship, but eventually realised that separating WAS the best option.

Again SD's is right

quote:

But i guess my T sees the pain and other stuff that other ppl don't. But she keeps talking about separating.

Since making the choice to separate, about 6 months ago now, T has been incredibly supportive and positive about the whole thing and is fully behind my decision; although she treads a fine line and also sees things from W's point of view as well at times.

Had I ended my marriage a year ago I would have had nobody left in my life, as my relationship with my family is distant at best.

I'm sure your T's intentions are good and has your best interests at heart; but do talk to her about it. If she can see your pain in the same way that SD's T and mine did, then I'm sure she will support you in whatever choice you make.

AV.

Thanks for all your replies.

Liese my H does his own therapy but has tremendous difficulties with trust. He's just started with a new T after 3 or 4 years with another T that seemed to make minimal difference.

SD I have made a number of new friendships since starting with my T. And it's through the work with him that I've come to see my family are all pretty much narcissistic, sociopathic or codependent and are of little value in terms of Interpersonal support.

Avoidant I'm sorry to hear of your relationship ending and I'm glad your T has been there to support you through what must be a painful and difficult process. I don't think you're selfish for wanting your T to yourself ESP if your W was codependent and there was no space for your needs or feelings in the marriage.

My H dropped a bombshell on me; for years he has blamed me for the lack of intimacy between us and in the past 24hrs info has come to light I wasn't aware of that puts a completely different spin on the situation. He essentially has been dishonest for years (not an affair) and has seen how upset and tormented I've been and has been too much of a coward to speak up and take his share of responsibility. We were at the point of separating before he finally admitted this. I feel guttered and betrayed because if he had been upfront it would have saved years of heartache and torment for me and I probably wouldn't have developed post natal anorexia which is now an ongoing issue for me. I've given 9 years of my life to him, carried and birthed our son, worked honestly and courageously on my own issues and he's taken the easy road.

I'm also irate at my T for abandoning me over the last 3.5 weeks, for increasing my suffering and then dumping me in the real world with hardly any support or help and hiding behind his pathetic boundaries when I say he's being uncaring and selfish.

I feel betrayed by the two men I trust most and in their own way both are killing me.