Hi Ruby!
Welcome to the forum!
First of all, I just want to say it sounds like you are dealing with some tough stuff in therapy and in life. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to do that! That is really amazing. Really. I am so sorry you for what you have been through and so sorry you are really hurting and struggling. I'm really glad you posted. I don't think you have posted anything that would scare anyone off!
I'm really glad you did post about this. Plus, you may have helped some people by sharing. One thing I've learned here, is that as we share our own struggles and problems, there are people who read and can usually really relate, even if they can't post, and are often comforted just by knowing they are not alone.
The history explaining process is often a really hard part in therapy, for a lot of people. I did an intensive treatment program last spring for people who have been through trauma. The counselors actually refused to talk about history very much. They would go over it very briefly, but actually discouraged going very deep, especially very deep very fast. The whole goal was to help give skills and resrouce people and help them be strong enough before moving on to discussing history in great detail. They explained that they did it that way, because going into that history can be destablizing and really hard.
Studies have shown that just talking about traumatic events, activates our brains and often increases symptoms of PTSD or emotional dysregulation. If you are spending a lot of time in therapy going over history, it makes a lot of sense that it would be bringing up anxiety and other feelings that might not normally be there, and it's not uncommon for what you are going through and talking about, for you to feel nervous before the sessions. It's really hard, and really crummy, and pretty normal too... I'm so sorry too!
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In the beginning did anyone else have trouble with eye contact, or just talking in at all?
Yes!!! I still do at times and I have been in therapy awhile. It gest easier, and then harder, and then easier...
I think we had a whole tread on just on eye contact once. I know it comes up a bit around here, and it seems to be hard for a lot of people. Making eye contact is a place of connecting, and can feel really vulnerable. For me, sometimes, it's just too much.
Sometimes, in order to talk at all, I ust *have* to stare at my feet. Or the wall. Or the pattern on the rug. (which I think I could draw out by heart because I have started at it so much!)
I have a lot of silent moments myself in therapy. It litterally can be a challenge to even spit words out of my mouth about touch subjects. My T notices and if I just can't talk at all, she lets me back off. Or she will say, "ok, it's ok..." or "I just want you to notice what you are feeling and stay with it as much as you can, and if you can't that's ok too." Or sometimes she will ask, "too close?" or "too much?" and I will tearfully shake my head and we will talk about something else.
I can also say that from my personal experince, it does get easier. Just today, my T commented in passing that I had been making more eye contact. It has taken 9 months with her for it to become easier. It varies with people - but it's really normal for it to be hard to talk and hard to make eye contact.
And I have been able to talk about more and more over time too. As I build the relationship with my T, and get a lot of practice, it has been getting easier.
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And how long did it take before you felt comfortable with your T? When did you start to see progress?
Comfortableness comes and goes for me. It is more and more over time. For me, pacing is key. That's just what works for me and lets me do the work of therapy without getting too overwhelmed. My T is very respectful if I need to back off on a subject, especially history stuff or anything too triggering, and yet she will never let me totally ignore it. She doesn't push, but reminds me it's there, to talk about when I'm ready.
Comfort with a T is important. If you don't ever feel comfortable with your T, then that might be something to talk about with your T. The relationship between you and your T is really an important part of the therapy process. If you are really feeling really uncomfortable around your T a lot, especially since you are trying to work on hard stuff, have you talked with your T about it? There may be things he can do to help you feel more comfortable with him.
Progess is a tricky one for me. Much of the time, I don't see progress until quite some time after things start to shift (like even with the eye contact). Much of the time my T sees it, and I don't. Sometimes friends and family will notice differences. And always, there are setbacks too. How long did it take to see progress at all? Hard to say. A lot of it is how you define progress. What your goals are for therapy? It sounds like maybe one of the goals you have is to deal with problems you have been overlooking? and also not to feel so awful...
When it comes to that R word... I can really relate. (I can't write it for myself either, and have yet to say it in therapy. That just is too much for me just yet.)
Your experince and reaction to talking about it seems really normal. I doubt your T thinks you are a weirdo at all. Does he know you are getting so nervous before sessions?
When I first started facing some of my stuff, it felt like it would swallow me alive. That's when I learned that for me, I had to slow down, and learn how to contain it, and go slowly... and that was so hard... and honestly, it was a hard thing for both my T and me to learn. (I am so type A, I just want to get things done!) That's just how it is for me, not saying it is at all like how it is for you. But it does make a lot of sense that this would be really hard and now the memories you have been maybe ignoring, are now really consuming.
Feeling responsible for what was done to you is also a really normal reaction to trauma, of any kind, and especially that kind of trauma.
But you were not responsible! It was not your fault. On the surface, I have to say, your T's question feels really insensitive and really crummy. It may not have been. I'm not sure...
That guilt, that feeling that we deserved it, we could have prevented it, is huge amoung many many survivors. It's very powerful. Part of what that kind of trauma is also so hard to deal with, is that it is very personal, and invades what should be something that happens in a very safe and special way that is good and feels good. My T gave me a book that explains it tends to hit at the core of our selves, and that's part of why, to cope with the pain of such hurt, survivors tends to blame themselves ad even sometimes wonder if we really wanted it. It really surprised me to read that. (And my T gave me the book, partly because I was too scared to talk about it yet, but wanted to understand it more - so with the book, we were able to talk about it more by talking about the book.) But that guilt, the self blame, the thinking we could have prevented it if only...., or we deserved it... or we must have really wanted it... My T says it's all very common thinking for people who have been hurt that way, and it's often a way we react to such trauma in order to have a sense of control - something that was taken from you. You had no control over what was done to you.
I'm kind of streaching here to try and think of why your T asked what he did... Your T may have asked what he did to help you look at your throughts and interpretations that lead you to believe it was your choice. We sometimes choose what we want... But dunno. It makes a lot of sense that you would wonder if you did secretly did want it, especially after asking something like that.
From my perspective, and again, I'm not a T, but just would another survivor, your T should have been a lot more sensitive to how much this would have been a potentially very upsetting way to ask about this. It just doesn't sit with me right about how and what he asked. It really actually bothers me - and I wasn't even there! I just know that for me, that would be so hard to be asked and it would really make me question the T and why they asked...
I don't know what I would say about your T, or about how to handle this with him. Usually when stuff comes up that we are shocked and hurt by or confused about or triggered by, it's usually a good idea to ask Ts about it - but that can be really hard to do.
And honestly, this may be my own stuff talking here, but I feel a little protective of you. I don't know why. It just feels like something he really should have handled better and really been able to understand how shocking that would have been to a lot of people who have been through that. I really wish your T would have processed it more with you and really helped you remember and hold on to the fact that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Let me play "devils advocate" for a moment, if there was some "secret" part of you that wanted it... so what? R is R. Period. If the rest of you didn't then it was R. If any part of you didn't want it, then it was wrong. It was an invasion. It was trauma. And it was NOT YOUR FAULT. No one wants to be hurt or invaded in any way.
Did I mention, it wasn't your fault? You did not deserve it or cause it or anything like that. And I completely agree with Mac, if you can, I would really ask your T about it as soon as you get a chance.
Glad you posted. So sorry you are hurting.
~ jane
p.s. did I mention, it was not your fault and you did not deserve it! period. - sorry if I am being annoying in saying that.
It will take time to really know that at a heart level... and for now... just wanted to remind you... it wasn't. and I'm sorry.
