Is this a kind of grief?

russMember

Hi All,

Sorry for the length here...

So I have this memory, and I've always had this memory, but now I'm feeling really intense sadness when I think about it, and I'm wondering if it's a kind of grief that I'm feeling. I'm know grief is different for everyone, but I'm curious about this particular instance, and if others have had similar experiences. And maybe it doesn't matter what I call it.

One day when I was about 5 or 6, I wanted to play with a friend, but the friend was unavailable. It was the usual 5/6 year old stuff...trucks, toy soldiers, war games, etc. I was at home alone with my mom, as usual, and I complained to her that I had no one to play with. She said that she'd play with me, so she sat down next to me and all my trucks and play stuff and tried to be my playmate.

But something didn't feel right to me. I remember this. I remember feeling like, "this is odd, mom playing with me. she doesn't know anything about these toys, and it's not working. It's not the same as one of my friends." But at the same time, I felt this incredible sadness for her that she was trying her best to play with me but that we really couldn't connect, and it's the fact that we couldn't connect at that moment that is hitting me like a ton of bricks. It's a sadness that I feel for both of us, and it's this piercing, intense sadness.

I've been sobbing about this for days now. And as usual, I can't say exactly what the emotion is behind the response, if that makes any sense. I'm wondering if it's grief; grief at never having had a vital kind of connection that seems to be represented in this little event. I see my female friends playing with their sons all the time, and the kid never seems to care if it's mom or dad playing with them, as long as someone is.

So I'm curious to know if others here have found themselves responding to a similar, seemingly innocuous memory in a similar way. Or if the moms on the board notice whether or not their sons care(d) if they played with them or if they preferred someone else at that age.

Thanks so much. I hope everyone is having an OK day today.

Russ

2/19/097:22 AM

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russMember

quote:
Originally posted by Hummingbird:
That was my experience, i am not sure if it is relevant to you.
HB

((HB)),

Thanks so much for your wonderful (as always) feedback. I think it does apply to me. I think compassion is certainly in there, and I think the mere fact that I could always sense a vague sadness in my mother tells me there's compassion in there, as well as the kind of compassion you mention.

Before last May, I was a pretty emotionally numb person (aside from my little tantrum-like bursts of anger). I had probably cried twice in 15-20 years, if that. I think this is part of why all these feelings are so hard for me to identify; they're somewhat alien to me. But at least now I am feeling a lot, even if I don't know exactly what it is. I mean, when an episode of 'House' makes you cry, I guess that's when you know some of the ice is melting.

Thanks again,
Russ

2/19/099:47 AM

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chronicallytransferredMember

quote:
as usual, I can't say exactly what the emotion is behind the response, if that makes any sense. I'm wondering if it's grief; grief at never having had a vital kind of connection that seems to be represented in this little event.

Hey Russ,
Let me first just say that yes, I have several random, seemingly insignificant memories that illustrate (metaphorically even) how things were with my mother and father. Silly things even, like trying to play a game or putting groceries away; but the intensity with which I remember these things makes them not silly.

Also, while I agree that you seem to have a lot of compassion for your mother, I think your instincts about grief are very valid as well. From your story, it seems that your mother was trying to connect with you even, but something was still missing. How could you not grieve the lack of connectedness with your mother? And perhaps, (forgive and ignore me if this is presumptuous) there is part of you that feels like the connection was not there because something was wrong with you. I certainly don't believe that is the case, as we as children were not responsible for making the connection work, but your sense of "this isn't working" might have turned into "something is wrong with me, she's trying here and it's still not working."

I often interpreted my mother's lack of ability in a certain area to mean that something was wrong with me; that she couldn't love be because I was unlovable, not because she didn't have the capacity to love. I think this kind of thinking is true and developmentally appropriate to some degree, because for a while there in childhood, we were the center of the world in our minds; that is everything was either about us or a reflection of us. However, in abusive, dysfunctional environments, that leads to a lot of misplaced blame and guilt.

I hope I am making some semblance of sense here, and please, if it doen't apply or ring true, don't think that I am suggesting that you and your mom couldn't connect because something was wrong with you. I am just saying that you might have internalized it that way.

If nothing else Russ, I am glad you are feeling something. That is always a good sign!

-CT

2/19/099:48 PM

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russMember

CT,

Thanks so much for your response. Your ideas make all sorts of sense, especially the notion that I might have thought that our inability to connect was indicative of something being wrong with me. This is part of the low self-esteem I've had my entire life, and I'm sure it was at work to some degree in this instance.

quote:
Silly things even, like trying to play a game or putting groceries away; but the intensity with which I remember these things makes them not silly.

Exactly. There are tiny moments that, when I think about them, evoke really strong emotions. It could be the way my mom said something, the inflection in her voice where I hear her sadness. Or a small act of generosity by my father that sets off a wave of pain because, while he was/is emotionally distant, he is also extremely generous, and that creates enormous conflict in me.

So your response rings very true, CT. Thanks again.

Russ

2/20/094:19 AM

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