Hi Simplyme, welcome to the forum.

Right off the bat I would suggest that you ask your T what he meant by that and then tell him how it made you feel. I know this will not be easy, but confronting any unclear messages, no matter how awkward it makes either of you feel is very important. I don't want to make any assumptions as to the appropriateness w/o knowing the gist of the conversation. But leaving it open to uncertainty can lead to further misunderstandings and uncomfortable situations in the future. The fact that he mentioned that he looks forward to your sessions may not be “inappropriate” but I would wonder why he said that too. Anything that stimulates intense feelings for a client deserves explanation and honest exploration. If he is worthy of your trust he will not be upset or offended by your questionings, your comments, or your feelings, but they should be met with compassion, understanding, warmth, with a clear establishment of boundaries. Boundaries are what will make you feel safe and to know what to expect from this relationship.

I wanted to keep my reply short and direct so if I missed anything or if you have any further questions please let me know. I am sure as others read your post you will receive many helpful suggestions.

Hope to hear more from you again!

Just Me

Hi Simplyme & welcome!

Just Me (as usual) is right. Miscommunications in therapy can be very detrimental and should be cleared up as soon as possible. I have learned this the hard way. My T made a comment once and I thought she was teasing me. When someone teases me about something I feel is significant I immediately think that maybe I am making too much of it and resolve to not mention it again. I hope you can see where this is going. I held off bringing it up again and felt very confused about how much I could trust her. Knowing that I am striving towards being able to tell her anything I realized how counter-productive this was so I finally asked her about her comment. It wasn't easy but I did learn that she had meant to communicate something completely different. She was trying to express that she understood how deeply I was feeling about it. I am not sure how I heard it as her teasing me but since I know how sensitive I can be about being teased it is possible that I'm simply programmed to expect it. Part of therapy for me is to reprogram myself which won't happen if rely on my old ways of interpreting things.

Thanks for your responses. I will ask him what he meant by that comment. However, should I also tell him that I think that he is intelligent and handsome? Does he really need to know who I feel about him? I feel uncomfortable thinking that he is attractive because I don't want it to interfere with our clinical relationship. How can I even broach that subject with him?

SimplyMe,
Actually not taling about it is what can interfere in therapy. If you don't talk about it, it will hang in the space between you and you may start editing what you're saying. I really think one of the most important things in therapy is to be as honest as possible with your T. Your job is to bring your feelings, thoughts, dreams, problems etc. Your therapists job is to listen and make sense of that so you can both look at it. One of the weird paradoxes of being human is that we can only know ourselves in relationship. A therapist can serve as a remarkably clear mirror to see ourselves but if we're not honest we distort the image.

And a good way to broach the subject is to tell him there's something you need to talk to him about but your feel scared or embarrassed about talking to him about it. This allows your T to reassure you which makes it easier to talk about it and it breaks the ice and lets him know you need to say something without having to just blurt it out. I always find it helpful.

And although it feels like it does,embarrassment unfortunately doesn't kill you. And you'll be amazed what a relief it can be to have it out in the open.

But having said all that, do it when you feel ready to talk about it. And trust your gut instincts about how much you trust your T.

AG

quote:

Does he really need to know who I feel about him? I feel uncomfortable thinking that he is attractive because I don't want it to interfere with our clinical relationship.

This IS your clinical relationship. Welcome to therapy! I say this with a tone of humor, but it is really true. Your feelings for him reperesent so much of your history that you need to work through. He should understand what you are feeling and why and be able to help you understand it and work through it.

Keep coming back here and posting. I know that I have found this most helpful in undersatnding and accepting my own transference for my T.

Update: There is something "more" that is going on so, now I know that I am not imaging it. I don't even know what to think.

SimplyMe,

If you feel there is something going on, trust your instincts. I applaud your courage for coming this far with it. Keep talking we are here and listening.
How can we help??

Just Me

SimplyMe,
It sounds like you're in a difficult situation. Would you be willing to tell us more? I know its scary to talk about but having some perspective from other people who struggle with the same feelings for their Ts could really help. You don't need to figure this out or deal with all by yourself.

AG

Thanks Just me and Attachment Girl. We discussed my feelings and I now know that the feelings are mutual - because he said so. For awhile I wasn't sure but, as I look back the signs have been there. I really can't wrap my head around this but, I am not upset that he has feelings for me.

SimplyMe,
I hope I am not prying, but what feelings exactly? You mean that he has admitted to being attracted to you?
How do you feel about that?

Just me - yes, that he is attracted to me. I am not upset about it. I am just a little confused and a little happy too.

I can imagine that might be a very dizzying feeling too. So what do you think you're going to do? What did he suggest you go with this? Do you want to talk about it more? Do you want input? Do you want me to stop asking questions?

First of all, I am going to go see another therapist because I think that I need someone to talk to that isn't "biased" for lack of a better word. As far as where it is going to go, who knows what will happen. I am just taking life one day at a time and well if something does come about it then great, if it doesn't then it doesn't.

Please don't stop asking questions. I don't mind answering them.

SimplyMe,

I hesitate to push the subject beyond your comfort zone, but I am going to anyway. You wouldn’t have signed on and told us what you did if you weren’t looking for some sort of feedback. And perhaps you are even being afraid to hear what you know you are about to hear. So for your best interest, here it goes. If I were in your shoes 2 years ago and my T had confessed an attraction to me or made any advances toward me I may have been tempted to go for it. Hard to believe with what I know now, but the safety our T's provide assure that doesn't happen when we are most vulnerable to it. Now I know I wouldn’t, but then I probably would have given in to something very dangerous and hurtful.

I hope you consider this before you make any potentially harmful decisions.

JM

My last post was before I seen your last post, so let me address that:

GOOD for you! I am happy that you are going to see another T. You are being balanced about this.

*sigh of releif!

quote:

Please don't stop asking questions. I don't mind answering them.

Ok.
May I ask what your T suggests you both do about these feelings and where that leaves your therapeutic relationship?

Please don't think you are being judged and that you haven't aroused any of our envy for what we all fantasize about. But I think you will find that on the same token, none of us would ever breach the sanctity of the therapeutic relationship we NOW have for a momentary bliss of erotic passion that would fizzle and fade into hurt and despair in the worst way. It never turns out good and you can never go back. If I may even go so far to suggest: Keep it fantasy and find another therapist all together. The therapeutic relationship is over in the moment the T has feelings he cannot subjugate.

JM

I would never just "jump" into something. I am aware of where it could lead to and that it could and probably would hurt me. I went into therapy for me and my problems not to "hook up" (for lack of a better word). I do think that I need to talk to another therapist and that is what I plan to do. I also am going to step back from this situation and think about things.

Good for you. I didn’t mean to suggest that YOU would jump into anything, I really don’t know you. I am projecting a lot of what I feel and have felt and how frightening, confusing, and enticing it all can be. I wish you well and hope that you keep posting. Also let us know how things work out with the new therapist.

JM

SimplyMe,
Your last post and JM's went up while I was typing my last post. Same thing here, I wasn't assuming that you would jump into anything. I just know how tempted I would be. You are handling this a lot better than I think I would have.

AG

I am appreciative of what you all wrote, but I don't think I ever said that my therapist and I were going to "jump in bed". What I said is that he said that he has feelings for me (that go beyond our therapeutic relationship)just like I have feelings for him. Just because we have feelings for each other doesn't mean that we are going to have sex or are going to date or have a relationship or whatever. Also as far as morality, just for the record there are no spouses involved. My divorce has just been finalized and he is single.

I don't think badly of him for feeling the way he does about me. I am glad that he told me how he felt so that I am now able to begin working with another therapist. I think it would have been a great disservice had he not told me how he felt and let me continue in our therapeutic relationship. I am thankful for all that he has helped me to deal with and will always view our sessions as comforting and extremely helpful. While I am sad that he will no longer be my therapist, life does go on and I am looking forward to working with a female therapist.

Also, right now I am feeling sad because I wish that we would have met in a different way - through friends, at the grocery store etc.

SimplyMe,

I have to hand it to you for handling this the way that you are. You are right the man did good by telling you his feelings and not continuing the therapeutic relationship and that deserves due credit. But it DOES happen.

And by no means was, I or anyone else for that matter I am sure, questioning your morals or intentions or your T's. That is why I kept asking questions, but still the conclusions were drawn on very little information.

I wish you could have met him in a different setting too. I am sorry, because that must be so hard.

I hope you are not put off. I really do see after all that you have said that you are dealing with this with your eyes wide open.

Just me - I am trying to deal with it with eyes wide open and it isn't easy. I am just going to stand back and take some time for myself to think about things and see where to go from here with him. He's great and I should be really happy, but I am not. I guess sometimes we have to be careful what we wish for because it isn't all roses when we get it. Does that make sense?

Absolutely. It does make sense.
I wish I could be of better help. But at least I can appreciate how difficult this must be for you.

quote:

I am appreciative of what you all wrote, but I don't think I ever said that my therapist and I were going to "jump in bed". What I said is that he said that he has feelings for me (that go beyond our therapeutic relationship)just like I have feelings for him. Just because we have feelings for each other doesn't mean that we are going to have sex or are going to date or have a relationship or whatever. Also as far as morality, just for the record there are no spouses involved. My divorce has just been finalized and he is single.

SimplyMe,

I think you really misunderstood a lot of what I said. I mentioned morals because I was trying to point out that my feelings were so strong that I was tempted to violate MY morals. Presumably, someone's morals are based on what they think is important and should guide their behavior. A willingness to go against that guide is a strong sign that something intense and difficult to deal with is going on.

It had nothing to do with your morals, whatever they are. I do not expect other people to live by the same values I do, nor was I implying that you were getting ready to do something wrong.

You were very cryptic in how you presented the situation so I commented based on how I would have been feeling in the same situation. As always, that should be taken or left as it fits your situation. If your last few posts had appeared first, I really think I would have reacted quite differently. Your therapist sounds like he is acting in an extremely responsible manner and placing your good first just as he should. I would imagine however, that the pain of leaving isn't really lessened by that fact. When you first said that he told you he had feelings, that's why I asked WHY he had told you. My worry was that he was trying to exploit you and my first instinct was for you to protect yourself.

AG