Way too long. Triggering. Spiritual stuff. Also vague references to traumatic experiences. And, closeness with T, things he offers. I know that can be triggering, so trying to warn...

I feel comfortable with T. I feel safe. Lately, I'm drowning in shame over that, as if it's something I've done wrong, him caring and my wanting to, trying to, take it in.

But he does so much. Is it too much? He gives extra time and outside contact and touch and works with me differently than most other clients.

That makes me "special," which is dangerous. I'm not supposed to be special. The way things work is someone shows me want they want and need from me, what they want to give me, and I conform to that. I've never had someone listen to my experiences, then say, "I can see you need this, that it helps," and just...offer it. Maybe not never, but I guess I've never gotten to the place of accepting it before.

Maybe he's said things he shouldn't have said. I'm sure it's scary for him, and we've made clear what it means (a spiritual concept), but I know he loves me. Is that wrong? I love him too, and if I ever try to tell him, sorry is all that comes out, because it feels wrong.

Again, spiritually, he has labeled himself as a sort of parent, the kind God gives us throughout our lives. He admittedly feels parental toward me, at the same time as considering me a "sister" in faith. In one way, a sort of mentorship...but in another...a sort of adoption.

I know a lot about his life. The disclosure helps me. It mostly relates to my own experiences or shared interests. But, it's a boundary crossing, I guess. It's not about me. It's how he is...very human, honest, and humble. I can't make him perfect in my mind, but somehow I love his flaws. I love him too much, maybe.

He has said he's not going, won't abandon us, that we'll always be connected. I guess he's not promising to be my T forever, or that I can see him forever, whenever or however I want. But, I also know that if I wanted, he could always be in my life. I'm not supposed to have that. We aren't supposed to "keep" people. That's wrong. People leave and wanting to hold on makes you bad.

He has many boundaries from his profession that he won't cross, but I know if he knew me in some other way, he would do even more. I've never asked for those things, but he has mentioned on his own how he is inclined both for me and for others to reach out in that way. It's terrifying. Why can't he see it's already too much? Why can't he see how bad I'm being, how bad I'm making him be by allowing him to care and offer so much?

It's not really saying much, but I've had so many more hugs from him than both of my parents, probably every major caregiver, combined throughout my lifetime. He has held my hand, prayed with me.

He stays close.

It's too close.

Is it too close?

He asks or offers and responds to any movement on my end with care. He is careful.

Why doesn't he just tell me to leave?

We have talked about what he can't do, what he can never restore, who he can never be, and...the grief of it.

Why doesn't he make me go?

Last night, there was a nightmare, one of many, where a memory of someone turning a safe connection into an unsafe one...but it was imposed on the present, on my T. It never got to anything graphic, but just that the relationship was something else in his mind.

I know he is safe, but I've never gotten this close to someone without...bad things. So, if he's not going to leave or kick me out, then bad things must be coming, right? But, they never come. He just loves and is so careful and safe...

But, there has to be something wrong with it, right?

His closeness does not obscure my pain or shame. It is ripe and raw. But, still...it's not supposed to be like that, right? So real, and human, and, like I'm not just a job, but part of some sort of calling.

I think...I mean something to someone.

And that's a mistake. I'm pretty sure we promised long ago, never to mean together with another person in such a way.

Is this all wrong?

Even if it helps me and I'm healing, is it wrong?

Am I bad?

Have I just found a new way to turn someone else bad?

Or am I just looking for another excuse to run from grieving that my T's here and now care can't erase all the grieving I stored up until now to accomplish?

I want to run...and save us all. But, apparently, it was never my job to save everybody.

I'm scared to hear it's true and I'm bad and I've made someone else be bad once again.

But, I'm scared to hear it's not bad and know that means to keep moving forward into some much pain and shame and...someday rage.

When I had that dream today, I felt...devastated. It was soul-crushing to love and trust someone that much and to feel them taking you over to use for themselves, convincing you that's how it was supposed to be. I've never connected with those feelings from those memories before. I know why it had to go. I survived it then by denying it. Can I really survive it now if I keep going forward?

Wouldn't be better for everyone if I just...stopped. Then, no one would ever have to be bad.

Thank you for reading. I don't know if I can leave this up.