I am new here so nice to meet you all.
I have a question about dissociation and the feelings that go with it.
For about 3 years now I feel like I live in a constant zoned out state. Coupled with not being able to fathom reality very well also includes obsessive intellectualism and confusion as to how I feel.
My recent worry which turns into catastrophe in my head at least once a day is regarding my partner who I have been seeing for 7 months now. We are long distance and see each other for a weekend every couple of weeks. What I do not understand and what might be a indicator of depersonalization disorder is that I enjoy being with her every time. We could hug for hours and I would not get tired of being with her. I adore who she is and the time we spend together. I love how peaceful it is with her and how comfortable it has been from the start.
But I feel nothing in my body. When we become intimate, we spend hours being intimate and I enjoy it but physically I feel nothing. When we kiss, I feel nothing. It is not a heart racing encounter yet the amount of care and devotion I have toward her is so deep. I prefer hugging her close in bed over anything else we do.
My past is rocky. I was diagnose with bpd and have a lot of issues with maintaining emotional attachments. When I was in therapy last year, knowing how I truly felt over anything always was difficult. My main answers were 'I dont know'. I could intellectually understand things but emotionally I could not put two and two together. I could only
. fathom a guess at best.
I fret everyday over my relationship. Am I am fraud I ask myself. Am I faking all of this? But when I think of letting her go I simply couldnt. She means so much to me.
When my confusion gets really bad then I cannot understand anything. I cannot understand what I am perceiving. I almost cannot understand reality. It feels fragmented. I feel fragmented. I feel like I am drifting around with no real intention that is true to me. Indeed knowing who I am is nigh on impossible. I am a mix of various ages and genders.
I have huge abandonment issues which may have caused part of this numbing to happen. I just wish I could link my emotions to where they are coming from but I never have been able to and feel somewhat hopeless that I will ever push through this sense of just drifting.
Regardless I do try to be hopeful. University starts soon and I have supportive people around me. I just cannot seem to stop fretting about the possibility that I feel nothing toward my partnet even though I probably do. My care for her is so deep. Whenever she is upset or had a bad day I wish I could just be with her and look after her and make her smile. Cook for her. Hug her to sleep.
And I think I love her. But this depersonalization rubbish stops me from truly knowing anything.
What can I do?
