I wish I knew, Echo - I've experienced this too. My T kinda freaked me out when we first started out by pointing out how often I just lost the train of thought, couldn't focus on something, got disoriented, lost stuff, forgot stuff. She never said the word 'dissociating' but I did some web-reading around that to try to get a hold of the significance of what she was pointing out.

Seems like there's a big spectrum of dissociation, from zoning out & thinking about something else when you're driving along a monotonous stretch of road, to "waking up" somewhere & literally not knowing who or where you are. My layman's guess is that what you experience here & what I experience are part of that spectrum.

My T really helped me by a) pointing it out and b) giving me permission for the behaviour and the feelings that prompted it to happen. I would go very quiet when it was happening. She told me the silence was an important part of our work, that I used it when I needed space. She said things like (quietly) "you've gone somewhere really private". She showed me I used this to control the distance between us and that I was allowed to do that.

This came in the context of her understanding that I had been unable to control what was happening to me in some painful ways when I was younger, so all that permission & control touched me in a really deep way. I'm now 'zoning out' heaps less. Things are less stressful for me at the moment than when I started with her, but I think her response has a fair amount to do with it too. It'll probably come back when I need it!

Oh, and - now when I feel like that numb feeling is welling up, I try to say something like "It's hard to talk about this" or "I'm feeling really uncomfortable" or "I'm finding it hard to focus on this, it's slipping out of mind." This helps me flag it for her and myself, and lets me slow down and focus on what is difficult.

My T would sometimes stop and ask me, how do I feel right now, what do I feel. And in the very moment he asks I feel literally nothing. All is gone, hidden away. So I try to think really hard to give him an answer and there is nothing coming to my mind. I could not say that I love him because in that very moment I feel just nothing at all.

Sometimes I get really emotional and then I find it very difficult to talk. I try to push out some words through my throat and bearly anthing gets out, all I do is look at him in despair. And if I manage to break through it and talk all the feelings just vanish, so there is nothing to talk about. That is some vicious defence mechanism, or is it me and how I work and that's just it? Will I ever be able to feel, to remain constantly in touch with my emotions?

I can feel perfectly in my dreams. Couple of times in the session I really felt, I really was so emtional but it was like a shock and it got partially erased from my memory. All the words that were said, I bearly remember them. I'm perfectly aware of everything as it happens, but after a while I can't recall some of things that were really important. What the hell?

quote:

Originally posted by Amazon:
My T would sometimes stop and ask me, how do I feel right now, what do I feel. And in the very moment he asks I feel literally nothing. All is gone, hidden away. So I try to think really hard to give him an answer and there is nothing coming to my mind.

I think I can identify with this. If my T points out that I have gone someplace else in my mind and asks me to include her, then I become panicked that she has recognized it and go blank. Then it is really hard to get it back. I guess I am both terrified to include her and frustrated that I can't.

quote:

My T would sometimes stop and ask me, how do I feel right now, what do I feel. And in the very moment he asks I feel literally nothing. All is gone, hidden away. So I try to think really hard to give him an answer and there is nothing coming to my mind.

Yes, my P does this, too. He asks what's going through my mind, and suddenly I am completely blank. And the harder I try to think of something, the more empty I become, and then I start to panic because I'm not saying anything at all, and all I want is for a giant hole to appear at my feet and swallow me whole to end the embarrassment of having NOTHING to say. And then all that comes to me is that he must think I am the most vacuous, shallow, immature person in the world to have absolutely nothing on my mind...

quote:

Originally posted by echo:
I can tell HE gets quite frustrated with me for being so reticent. I'm not doing it on purpose! But I worry that he thinks I'm a petulant child who is refusing to speak as some kind of mind game.

Yes, is it like there is some invisible force that locks your jaw and you can't force the words to form? And your mind is screaming to your tongue to move but it won't obey? It is involuntary!

This is absolutely mad, the way it works. Is it the uncounscious?
I'm also afraid he may feel disappointed at me feeling and thinking nothing. What is there to work with if I have no thoughts and no feelings whenever he asks about them?
And it feels like it was there just a second ago and it is gone as if the water/emotions supply got suddenly cut off.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences with this.

quote:

Originally posted by echo:
I can tell HE gets quite frustrated with me for being so reticent. I'm not doing it on purpose! But I worry that he thinks I'm a petulant child who is refusing to speak as some kind of mind game.

I panicked and shut down too, all the times I tried to tell my former T about my transference feelings. I even wrote everything down ahead of time so I could just read it off, but then I just sat and stared at the list, panicking more and more as the quiet went on. I know he got irritated with me about it...one time he said, "Out loud, please" kind of sarcastically. That's why I finally sent him that note, so I could break into it ahead of time and then I'd "have" to talk about it next time, but obviously he wasn't happy with that either. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had just handed him the list. Based on his reaction to the note, I'm glad now that I didn't.

Fortunately there are no feelings like that for my current T. But there is something similar that happens. On several occasions, she has not jumped in to fill the quiet spots in the conversation. So they just draw out and I start panicking a little, wondering what to talk about next. But she never gets irritated or sarcastic. When I say I don't know what to say next, she says that's okay, maybe you just needed to be quiet for a little while. I feel a lot safer with this approach.

Also, she has said a few times, that sometimes my face becomes like a little girl's and she wonders where I've "gone" to. I was wondering why she keeps saying that. Maybe she thinks I'm dissociating...but from what you've all described, I don't think I am. At least now I know why she's asking and I can keep an eye on it.

Thanks,
SG

quote:

Originally posted by Jones:
I would go very quiet when it was happening. She told me the silence was an important part of our work, that I used it when I needed space. She said things like (quietly) "you've gone somewhere really private". She showed me I used this to control the distance between us and that I was allowed to do that.

It sounds like our T's say almost exactly the same things to us, Jones. Thanks for sharing your T's explanation. My T didn't explain why she was asking, but she definitely gives me permission to be quiet when I need to. Thinking about this some more, I realized that going quiet or being quiet in the first place is my primary means of control in relationships outside of therapy...this makes me realize how closely my T is paying attention to me. Wow.

And I love that she allows the silence without pressuring me for more. That she allows me to start talking again when I am ready. Then I don't feel like I have to please her or say the "right" thing.

I suddenly can't wait to see her again on Monday.

SG

That's really nice, SG! Actually for me sometimes the permission seems to make the difference between quiet-space and something that feels kind of dissociative to me (frozen blankness). When I feel that permission from her and let it into myself, give myself permission, I don't feel so panicky and feelings and sometimes words can emerge from the blankness. But I still get frozen sometimes (like my last session).

MH, Echo & Amazon, I'm curious about whether you have tried talking about what IS there (as in "I feel totally blank! I feel like I can't even speak!")? Maybe this feels inaccessible too?

J

quote:

Originally posted by Jones:
MH, Echo & Amazon, I'm curious about whether you have tried talking about what IS there (as in "I feel totally blank! I feel like I can't even speak!")? Maybe this feels inaccessible too?
J

J, at the end of my last session I started to mildly dissociate and my T brought it to my attention by saying, "You've gone someplace else. What is it? Do you want to talk about it?" It was only then that I realized I was rocking myself. I must have been acting child-like. I wasn't too far gone though because I was able to both comprehend her words and reply back to her. I said, "No, our time is up." (I thought this would get me off the hook.) She said, "It's OK. I invite you to talk about it." Then I started panicking about what I would say because I had been trying to avoid those thoughts the entire session. Then I realized I couldn't focus anymore. So I told her my mind was a blank now anyway. I said maybe I would try to write it down and talk about it at our next session. She said, "OK, if that's what you think you need to do. I invite you to talk about it now, but I trust you to decide what is best for you." I do like that she wanted to give me space to talk or not to talk, and that she tried to relieve all pressures (like the fact we were out of time).

But I have also had overwhelming experiences with my T that were so surreal and detached that there was no way that I could respond at the time, and in fact didn't feel any need to respond because the distance between us felt so great, and it didn't seem like I was in my body so how could she be talking to ME anyway. Those are the moments when "going away" is a really nice escape - that is, until the shock of re-entering the real world arrives.