deleted for personal reasons, just me and my own stuff
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Thanks for the feedback and warm thoughts DF!
Well, I don't want to act on all of it. But the flight or fight stuff is sort of "known territory" - and that feels like something I can hack and manage and figure out at least what is ok to act on and not.
The desire to play... that is scary. I'm really scared to act on that desire. It feels the most dangerous. And I have no idea why.
I love the idea of coloring. I have some "glass" (really just transparent paper) mosaic patterns that I can color in and it does really help with anxiety. When I have done that before, it's been very... like adult? Like my mind is thinking of hues and tones and then just enjoying the repeative and mediative-ish kind of escape it is - and the way it can keep my nervous hand busy.
If I colored right now, well, it feels really different.
I've never done any inner child or little kind of therapy. At all.
Well, now that I think about it, we have talked about ego states - and about meeting the needs of different ego states... it's just been so long and it was a really brief comversation...
I think I am scared to "give in" to any young stuff in me because... I'm just scared where that will go... I have no idea why that scares me or where I fear it will go... but something just scares me.
Maybe I am afraid of getting stuck there, or lost in that.
And it's such a weird and new thing. There is only one other time that I can recall feeling this way, and it was in the middle of and after a really traumatic thing. It was awful. It was just last Feburary.
Maybe that is why I am afraid of feeling this now - it reminds me of what I felt like then.
I thinking fighting and ignoring whatever I am desiring isn't a great idea... it seems to not work with anything else I feel... but maybe finding a way that feels safe to me to express it? but nothing feels safe and I dunno why...
ugh.
DF - yeah, I probably would roll my eyes too. It doesn't feel like progress! except maybe being in touch with it before it overwhelms me anyhow is progress... maybe...
thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement and good ideas.
quote:Are you saying the desire to play is what you're worried about acting on, or the fight/flight stuff?
Well, I don't want to act on all of it. But the flight or fight stuff is sort of "known territory" - and that feels like something I can hack and manage and figure out at least what is ok to act on and not.
The desire to play... that is scary. I'm really scared to act on that desire. It feels the most dangerous. And I have no idea why.
I love the idea of coloring. I have some "glass" (really just transparent paper) mosaic patterns that I can color in and it does really help with anxiety. When I have done that before, it's been very... like adult? Like my mind is thinking of hues and tones and then just enjoying the repeative and mediative-ish kind of escape it is - and the way it can keep my nervous hand busy.
If I colored right now, well, it feels really different.
I've never done any inner child or little kind of therapy. At all.
Well, now that I think about it, we have talked about ego states - and about meeting the needs of different ego states... it's just been so long and it was a really brief comversation...
I think I am scared to "give in" to any young stuff in me because... I'm just scared where that will go... I have no idea why that scares me or where I fear it will go... but something just scares me.
Maybe I am afraid of getting stuck there, or lost in that.
And it's such a weird and new thing. There is only one other time that I can recall feeling this way, and it was in the middle of and after a really traumatic thing. It was awful. It was just last Feburary.
Maybe that is why I am afraid of feeling this now - it reminds me of what I felt like then.
I thinking fighting and ignoring whatever I am desiring isn't a great idea... it seems to not work with anything else I feel... but maybe finding a way that feels safe to me to express it? but nothing feels safe and I dunno why...
ugh.
DF - yeah, I probably would roll my eyes too. It doesn't feel like progress! except maybe being in touch with it before it overwhelms me anyhow is progress... maybe...
thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement and good ideas.
DF! I just had to tell you that just as I was reading your post, my cat came and curled up in my lap. purring away... as if she has read your post too! :P 
After reading what you wrote, I just absorbed that sweet moment with my kitty.
what you wrote - oh, so helpful! thank you so much.
I started looking online for a movie - a christmas movie for kids sounds really good. it just seems to fit really well. great idea!
oh, thanks DF so much!
I feel like I am in such a weak and silly spot and so weird (yes, I have a self-judgemental side to me that runs rampant) and it helps so much to have your kind words and such acceptance, especially when I am so judgemental of myself.
thank you so much.
I think me and my kitty are going to go get some hot chocolate (with whip cream as always) and let myself escape into a good christmas kids movie.
After reading what you wrote, I just absorbed that sweet moment with my kitty. what you wrote - oh, so helpful! thank you so much.
I started looking online for a movie - a christmas movie for kids sounds really good. it just seems to fit really well. great idea!
oh, thanks DF so much!
I feel like I am in such a weak and silly spot and so weird (yes, I have a self-judgemental side to me that runs rampant) and it helps so much to have your kind words and such acceptance, especially when I am so judgemental of myself.
thank you so much.
I think me and my kitty are going to go get some hot chocolate (with whip cream as always) and let myself escape into a good christmas kids movie.
Cats really are amazing
I was feeling sad, layed down on my bed for a moment this morning before I had to head out, and my kitty came up and rested her little head on my arm and purred. I started to cry, but petted her and she was in kitty heaven and just her simple sweet happiness made me smile.
The horses I work with are like that too. I'm trying to learn how to lead with them (which takes confidence, not power) and they just keep acting so protective of my scared self. ah, they are like 1000 lb denial-o-meters.
The movie and coco were prefect! it seemed to meet whatever need I had.
Today I am watching some kids for the afternoon - and that might be a good outlet too. I always feel really confident and adult around kids - I have no idea why. I am easily playful in way the kids love. And that makes me smile. I wonder if that is another way I meet that need in me. It feels different than yesterday did, because I stay a very grounded adult, if only because I care so much about the kids and know so badly how much that is what kids need. But I am a bit known for being able to be really silly with the kids and encouraging them to laugh and play. Last week we had an impromtu puppet show.
I hope it's an ok outlet for my playfulness and never ends up triggering regressive stuff... :/
I love goofy mischevious youtube videos like that. I was just watching a Chris Farley youtibe clip about El Nino. Have you seen the ones where they create lighting in microwaves by microwaving a single grape! That gets the inner geek in me! :P
Good job in self care yourself! I know you are going through a big transition and that's really cool that you are taking care of you a bit in the midst of it.
~ jane
I was feeling sad, layed down on my bed for a moment this morning before I had to head out, and my kitty came up and rested her little head on my arm and purred. I started to cry, but petted her and she was in kitty heaven and just her simple sweet happiness made me smile.
The horses I work with are like that too. I'm trying to learn how to lead with them (which takes confidence, not power) and they just keep acting so protective of my scared self. ah, they are like 1000 lb denial-o-meters.
The movie and coco were prefect! it seemed to meet whatever need I had.
Today I am watching some kids for the afternoon - and that might be a good outlet too. I always feel really confident and adult around kids - I have no idea why. I am easily playful in way the kids love. And that makes me smile. I wonder if that is another way I meet that need in me. It feels different than yesterday did, because I stay a very grounded adult, if only because I care so much about the kids and know so badly how much that is what kids need. But I am a bit known for being able to be really silly with the kids and encouraging them to laugh and play. Last week we had an impromtu puppet show.
I hope it's an ok outlet for my playfulness and never ends up triggering regressive stuff... :/
I love goofy mischevious youtube videos like that. I was just watching a Chris Farley youtibe clip about El Nino. Have you seen the ones where they create lighting in microwaves by microwaving a single grape! That gets the inner geek in me! :P
Good job in self care yourself! I know you are going through a big transition and that's really cool that you are taking care of you a bit in the midst of it.
~ jane
ok so this is a seriously belated thank you - but just wanted to say thanks to you all, as your responses are helpful even now when I'm struggling with this again. thanks so much! it helps to not be so alone in all of this.