Is this the place where I can SCREAM?

LittlemeMember

Phew… I just need some place to SCREAM...
Is it safe in here?
I´m about to explode... I´m so angry and frustrated and hurt.

I´ve been seeing this new T for few weeks, but it doesn´t work… I miss old T so dearly. And there is also the child welfare they want to take away my custody of my daughter, so I feel I have to behave… but everything is storing up inside me.

I can´t stop thinking about old T… I think about her all the time…I search her on the internet, Google her and read her Facebook. Yesterday I was a real maniac, walked to the hospital where she works, hoping to see her walk home from work, saw her and her H driving from the hospital in their golden Jeep, and I stared her H to death when they stopped at red traffic light. He looked surprised, when he watched me, he has never seen me before. She didn’t look. When they drove away I thought they had gone home, and I walked there, but they had gone somewhere else. My crazy mind thought maybe they have gone to the store and I walked to the store where she likes buying her groceries. Don´t know what I was going to do if I had seen them there… I could just feel that I needed to see her, nothing else mattered.

And now it´s happening again… I want to walk to her house… I´m having a hard time controlling my emotions. I know in my head it´s wrong acting this way, but my heart… ouch I´m having a hard time controlling my heart and I feel angry at myself for not being able to control my doings.

Last week I went to the mental ward. I was just as crazy when I was released from the ward, but they think it´s not good for me to stay more than 3 days… I don´t know what to do to myself.

I thought maybe it would get better in time, but now it´s been 6 weeks since I had my second goodbye session with her, and 14 weeks since I stopped doing therapy with her…. When will this stop? Wish I had never met her, awful thing to say, when I love her really really much.

3/24/124:20 AM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

Little Me,
This is definitely a place where you can scream. I am sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. The intensity of these feelings, especially when they are connected to unmet childhood needs can feel very life and death, and we can feel very driven. What you seem to be doing is exhibiting extreme "protest" behavior at being separated from an attachment figure. I think that it is a healthy choice to come here and speak about how you're feeling and be heard. I say this as gently as possible, but I can understand your concern about your behavior. I think that you are acting out these intense emotions in a way that could feel threatening to your exT and her family, and that will not be good for either of you. I hope speaking here can help you so that you are able to feel more in control of your behavior.

I know that the new T must in some ways exacerbate your feelings of missing your OldT but I would urge you to continue working with the new T. Having a safe place to express these feelings, will in time I believe, help you not to act them out.

3/24/126:29 AM

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blackbirdMember

Scream away- this is a good place to do it, since we all feel very similar to the way you are at times. I'm sorry for the pain you are in over old T, but I've been there and I can tell you that, if your experience is like mine, Little me, you will get slowly better if you keep going to your therapist and finding safe places to let those awful, longing, almost frantic emotions out. So talk to us here, and talk to your T- but try, even though it is awfully hard- to find some other way than search for your old T to relieve those feelings, as I am scared for you that you will wind up in worse trouble through her lack of understanding of where you are at! I hope and pray that your new T is a good one for you, even though you won't feel attached to new T like with old- you need a lot of support and care and a place to vent to get through this..it's crucial. I don't know what I would have done when I lost my old T if I didn't have this place to come to and talk about all my feelings, and got such amazing and caring support from all of the lovely unselfish people who come here, and from our loving moderator. These feelings can really make you feel and act crazy- but you are not- it is just very old pain that needs to find it's way out of your body, not crazy.

Beebs

3/24/127:44 AM

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bltMember

(((LM))) I don't know what to say but I do believe it will get better.

3/24/128:14 AM

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lieseMember

(((((LITTLE ME))))))

Just wanted to pop in and lend some support. I know the pain and the longings and they are really really hard. Incapacitating. It seems like this is all triggered by the powerlessness of your situation. From what I remember of your life story, you have been the victim of many many people and things and doctors and hospitals and most everything in your life has been out of your control. The separation from your T now is triggering all of those old hurts so that it is the only thing you feel. Terribly horrible unbearable pain.

DaRock said it best. It doesn't matter what your diagnosis is, what matters is that your T gets you. I know it doesn't help to hear it but it sounds like your OldT didn't get you. So hard to do but if you can try to tolerate the pain as best as you can and hang in there with NewT, hopefully the pain will lessen in time and you will begin to heal.

Liese

3/24/128:37 AM

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