These are interesting questions, Meta.

The way I see it, attachment relationships go both ways, but sometimes one person plays the "younger" role by being more dependent. I think I would have an easier time if my H left me than he would if I left him, just like my T needs me less than I need her. As far as I know this is an indication that my emotional development is a little bit ahead of H's, which puts him in a vulnerable position of feeling dependent. However, if one person in a couple had a much more dismissive attachment style, it would also leave their partner feeling vulnerable.

H and I are both in therapy and we talk about it with each other. Because he already views me as his "wiser, stronger" AF on some level, H is not attached to his T. He has had a lot of transference towards me, in terms of accusing me of faults or behaviors that really belong more to his parents than me. I have often helped him work through his feelings, even when he was acting out or taking stuff out on me. I am trying to stop doing that, because it hurts our relationship by putting it on unequal footing. I want to be his partner, not his T. With my encouragement and his T's help, he's trying to learn how to regulate and manage his own feelings instead of relying on me to do it for him all the time.

This is not to say H hasn't done anything for me, however. He's helped me become more comfortable with myself and better at relying on others and opening up about stuff. He supported me in starting therapy in the first place. He always encourages me when therapy is hard or I'm struggling with other things in life.

It's my opinion that needing lots of time away from your spouse is not a sign of a healthy marriage. For me, an ideal marriage means both partners are in love with each other, and when two people are in love they usually don't want to be apart a lot. Moreover, the more you are apart the less chance you have of falling back in love again. That's not to say healthy couples don't spend any time apart, but if they act like they prefer the company of others to their spouse it's really not a good sign. I know I prefer the company of others to that of my H quite frequently, and that it's a result of my H behaving in ways that are unpleasant to me. He is trying very hard to change those behaviors.

I hope this wasn't entirely discouraging for you...

Nope I my SO is not my attachment figure, in fact I can barely talk to him about my issues as he doesn't get it, tells me "to stop thinking about it and it will go away" and has a very blank face and glazed over look if I ever bring anything therapy related up. He asks 'how much longer will it take' and ' are you noticing any improvements'. I have explained that my issues are early, pre verbal childhood trauma and neglect, attachment issues, abandonment, PTSD etc and that it isn't depression at all. But he thinks all mental stuff is depression and people should take medication and do 12 to 20 sessions of CBT to fix everything.

Needless to say he is not supportive. IF I cry at all - he walks away. I cannot rely on him.

So no, my SO doesn't help me at all, I rarely discuss my therapy with him because he won't understand. I was triggered last week and had a PTSD reaction and my H told me to 'stop thinking about it'. That is the best he can give.

My H doesn't spend that much time outside the home that isn't work related. We spend most of our free time together or on family or children stuff. in my younger days i was stressed by the time he spent away from me.

Somedays

Hey BLT,

Thanks for your post - it wasn't discouraging to me. My wife is amazing, and she works really hard to support me. These aren't personal trips she is taking, but work trainings/retreats with friends/mentors she really loves and admires. When I am in adult headspace, I really do support her going. It's just that they are so totally triggering to me. We do spend the majority of our time together, and it's not an "either/or" for her - she'd much rather have us all together than be there, away from me. So, no - not discouraging.

SomeDays - I am so, so sorry that this is the truth for you. I'm so amazed at your strength. I think we are all so much stronger than we feel we are at times. HUGS. And thanks for posting.

I am definitely attached to my DH. He is somewhat of an attachment figure for me, but my main AF right now would definitely have to be T. She's the one that I am mostly attached to. She grounds me.

I do share with my husband. I talk about sessions, my recovered memories, and the feelings that I am feeling in/and about therapy. He doesn't fully comprehend the traumatic experiences or pain I have been through. His childhood experiences were very different. But, he understands my parents and has seen their behavior enough to get where I am coming from. Also, when he doesn't get it...T has given him some good advice on how to just listen and be there. So, that's been a positive in our relationship.

I get what you are saying about feeling bad for not being "completely present" sometimes. I struggle with that too. I want to be supportive and all of those promises I made the day we got married. But, I am sure your wife understands that this is a hard time and will stand by you as you work through this healing journey.

I try to be very aware of my needs for alone time, space to participate in therapy, and process my feelings and that helps to remind me that hubby needs those types of things, too. He needs support of his friends and to also spend time regrouping. It's tough on families when a person is struggling with PTSD and such. I try to give myself enough understanding, my husband a little more understanding, and realize that in the end this will all be worth it. Therapy is a step in the right direction. It's progress.

Good luck to you. I hope that some of this has helped.