Hi Athenacus

Dont know if helps at all. I nearly always start a session by asking T how she is and how her week has been. Sometimes she just says "Oh OK you know, busy", but occasionally she'll say more. Once she admitted her weekend was awful, and when i asked why, she said she couldn't tell me because SHE would cry in front of ME. That really cut me up badly.

T has told me she takes antidepressants which was a big shock to me, but the transference being what it is, I got my GP to put me on the same type. Crazy huh! Just makes me feel closer to her somehow.

I am ALWAYS concerned for T's health and well being. I sent her a text the other weekend just to ask if she was feeling OK. She replied pretty quickly to let me know she was. Like you, I often feel as if I should be there for her, to help HER out in some way.

Sounds like a fairly normal happening doesn't it?

Interestingly, T has mentioned co-depedency to me as well, so you may be on the right track there.

Best wishes.

AV

I'm not sure how I'd handle knowing my P was on anti-depressants. In some ways I'd appreciate the honesty, but once that sunk in, I'm sure I'd start to worry about him.

He has shared personal info about himself as I was getting to know him, probably to help build trust, but it was just information about his life, not about how he's feeling, both physically and emotionally.

In fact, this just came up recently as I commented to him at my last session that he never really answers me when I say "how are you?" He usually asks me how I'm doing, so I reply and then ask him. Recently I notice that he just smiles and nods, so I asked him why he didn't answers, was it inappropriate for me to ask?

He said it was okay to ask, but when I think about it, he still didn't answer it directly, but did comment that he rarely has a bad day.

For me, his consistency and tight boundaries regarding his feeling has helped me focus more on my issues than wonder about his, unlike my former P who talked about himself a lot, which made it seem like we were in therapy together at times.

I thought my T was really open, in that I have asked her a few questions about herself (where she grew up, how many kids, etc.) that she had no problem answering. Yesterday, I asked her where she was going on vacation, and when I said that sounded fun she was like "Actually visiting my brother is more like an obligation but I'll see my friend as well" and that was a bit for me, like I didn't really need to now.

Sometimes I can see she's having an off day, but if she were on AD's I really think I wouldn't want to know about it.

Wow I have a totally different experience - I know nothing about my t. Not even if she's single or not - but she doesn't wear a wedding ring. I would absolutely freak if she told me she was on anti-depressants. And althought it felt kind of weird to begin with the disparity in knowledge...now I would hate to know anything about her feelings/ life / weekend etc etc. I absolutely do not feel that I am there for her - she is there for me. And I pay her for that care. End of. I guess she has very tight boundaries and that absolutely works for me - so much so I can't imagine how it'd be any other way. It's really interesting hearing just how different ts work and how much the difference in approaches helps people here. I do feel it was fate I got my t who happens to work in a way that works well for me

Sorry rambled on there - Athenacus can you talk to your t about how it feels for you when she talks about her problems to you? I can't see how it is particularly helpful for you.

Hugs x

If I found out my T was on anti-D's I would freak because I think I am her most challenging, long term and most demanding client and I would blame myself that I am causing it.

(((BLT))) (((SL)))

I can totally understand your feelings about knowing if T is on AD's or not.

I'm just wondering if my T told me that as a way of gently saying "get me off that pedestal you put me on. I'm only human really. I have issues like you do. I get chemical imbalances in the brain like anyone might do" I don't know.

Maybe she was trying to reduce the attachment/transference issues possibly?

I don't worry about T being on AD's any more, I just accept it as being a part of her.

Any thoughts?

AV

Hey AV, everyone.

My T is fairly open and will kind of vaguely answer me when I ask her how she is, but I can't ever see her sharing whether she's on ADs or not. She might if I asked her...maybe. I think the issue with that, though, is that even though it's very important that we try not to put them on a giant pedestal, we also kind of need to in order to see them as capable of helping us heal. Some Ts might worry that sharing what meds they are on might lead us to believe that they aren't capable of handling whatever we have to tell them, that we might tell them something that could be too much. I think I would worry about that myself if my T told me she were on ADs, even though I'm on them myself and know how much they help.

Anyway, just my 2 cents. Because as we can see by this thread, different levels of disclosure help different people.

All

This is an interesting thread.

I guess my relationship with T is different in so much as T freely admitted to writing a book. She practically encouraged me to read it as she thought I might find it useful for my own issues.

I did buy a copy, I have read it several times.

It's biographical, about her, her life, her upbringing, her health. It is a truly inspirational story and only adds to my reassurance that she is way more than capable of sorting me out than I ever thought.

I have immense respect and admiration for T based on what I know of her.

Horses for courses I guess!

Yeah I think that's it that if I knew she was on ADs I would think she wasn't very together and capable and if SHE'S not sorted how can she help me? And that would worry me. It came up before how I worry about her being capable of really supporting me because she's thin and I have a thing that really thin people are a bit miserable and mental.

I always think of ADs as a short term (albeit years long) sort of thing - not a permanent solution. I'm not sure I buy into the chemical imbalance thing. So if my t was on them it would mean she wasn't fixed yet and that would not feel cool to me.

Interesting thread though. And I LOVE how respectful everyone is to each other's point of view

Hugs xx

Athenacus,

My T doesn't share like that. I don't know a heck of a lot about him. The only time he shared that he has issues, because of course he seems perfect to me, was when I was threatening to leave him yet again because he had never experienced the type of pain I have. He told me that he doesn't have the same issues I do and that's good because it's not good to have a therapist with the same issues.

Of course, since then, I'm dying to know what his issues are but if I knew, I'd probably react like you in wanting to take care of him.

AV, I got a good chuckle out of you going on the same meds as your T. It's very endearing. Does she know?

Well, my T is like super-disclosure guy. I don't know if it would matter to me knowing that my T was on any meds, as long as I wasn't worried about his health as a result. I guess I might worry about whether I was too much for him...but I kind of do that anyway and it takes no justification for me to feel that way, really.

T has disclosed, in general, what his wife is like and normal (past, not present day) marital stuff as relates to H and myself.

I know a little bit about his sons, some cute stories from their childhood or just the way one of them is (like his wife) and stuff that has happened (like his son bought a car and then totaled it the next week, poor kid--I think he's 21).

I know what his dad did for a living and a little bit about how T related to him in his early adulthood. This came up in a conversation about my feeling like I could never connect with my parents or even have the desire to.

I know a couple of his random childhood memories, because we were just talking about the difference in the way I remember things vs him.

I know about a period of severe depression he had when he was very young and that he struggled with self-destructive urges at the time (he was saying he understood first hand some of the feelings I was expressing).

I know he had a period of struggling with health issues when his kids were little, because he said something about how it affected his son (fears of getting sick, etc.). This is one I can't remember how it came up, so it may not have been relevant at all.

I know his professional wardrobe is hand-me-downs (just learned that) and that the clothes he buys himself are never at all fancy. Not sure WHY he disclosed that, but I think it was because we were talking about my "fancy" socks, which aren't really that fancy, but I am kind of obsessed with stuff matching, so I like to have a variety of colors available.

We share about what goes on in our respective church bands, because it is an area of shared interest and common experience.


I guess, he shares a lot that gives me a sense of who he is as a real person. However, I don't really know a lot about what he thinks or feels or struggles with in the present. He keeps that stuff entirely out of the room, excepting his positive, accepting feelings and enjoying working with me. Usually when he shares about something going on in the present, it is just chitchat level stuff. Sharing about struggles he or a loved one has had is always a past example and relevant to something we're talking about. He may occasionally let me know when something is up (like when he was doing an intense detox or he feels a little unfocused for reasons unrelated to me). I think he usually does that so I don't observe something "off" and make it about me.

So far, the only disclosures that have caused any problems are the ones about plans he has with his family, because I don't want to invade his time with them. I just wrote to him that if he does that, it would be good to have clarification on what he means/intends...like "I'm taking a vacation," (i.e. don't text) or "I might not be able to respond as quickly," or "I'm talking about what's going on this weekend and asking you about what's going on with you to reorient you, help you be present, before leaving."

Anyway, while some of his disclosures have been kind of odd, most are pertinent to what we're working on and have really helped me feel like he's a real person who really cares and I am not such a zoo exhibit as I told him I felt like for several months early on. Very few make me feel the need to take care of him (other than knowing his plans/how busy he is) more than I do just by nature of caring about somebody.


Edited to say: I know it's not just me that he's this way with, because he was like this with H before I worked with him and just yesterday disclosed about how H and I camping would be a good way to vacation together, because I would be helpful and into it, but his wife would be the sit back and do her nails and go, "Eeew, a bug!" type. Not sure the value of that disclosure, other than he is always trying to get H to realize how great we are together, not that he doesn't.

Liese

Oh yes, she knows. She suggested I give them a try!!

Hi Athenacus!
I haven't had time to read all of the replies, so I apologize if this is basically restating what you've already heard!

My T almost died just 5 weeks after I began seeing him, and my father had almost died of the same thing just a few months earlier, so YES, it was incredibly hard on me, but I can't say for sure if it made any transference worse. I would think so.

Needless to say, I often ask him how he's doing, and I'm not happy with pat answers. I know he doesn't want me to be too preoccupied, though, so he does tell me brief things from time to time. I feel pretty special when he does tell me something personal, that's for sure! But if he unloaded in a tmi-style, I'd find that a bit unsettling.

He's written a book on parenting that I'm dying to purchase, but haven't worked up the nerve yet. But I will, it's just a matter of time. And yeah, then another batch of nerves to ask him to sign it!

Smiles,
Starry

quote:

I know his professional wardrobe is hand-me-downs (just learned that) and that the clothes he buys himself are never at all fancy.

Cute! One of my Ts is like this also and has disclosed why. I find it very charming! It's nice to have really upfront Ts, but I can see the reason for boundaries too. Anyway I thought this was too cute not to relate

Athenacus- if that behavior isn’t normal for your T, I wonder if it had something to do with the medication she’s on? I know ADs can really make you feel loopy sometimes.

I'm enjoying reading all the different responses. It is really interesting that there are such huge differences in levels of disclosure from all our T's, yet we all seem to be getting something out of our therapies.

SerenityLake- wow! I don’t know if I would be able to work with a T with boundaries that tight. But I also understand the advantages that it brings in knowing that the relationship is 100% about you and that there is definitely a sort-of freedom in not knowing anything about your T.

Yaku- my T is also super-disclosure guy, which on the whole works for me. He has answered every personal question I’ve ever asked him with no hesitation, and he often shares details (even really embarrassing ones) from his life with me in session. However, I’ve never felt that the session ever became about his needs.

Things I know about my T:

*All about his childhood, his parents, his siblings, etc. He has three much older siblings, and his father had heart problems. He was left to fend for himself most of the time as a child.(This is one area where I’ve struggled a bit with what he’s told me, because a lot of his stories make my heart hurt, and make me want to comfort little-T.)

*He was not abused.

*His current relationship with his siblings, especially about the boundaries that he sets with them. His grief at losing his mother and brother a few years ago.

*That he is gay, and a little bit about what coming out was like for him.

*That he has used acid and other drugs.

*He suffers from social anxiety.

*How he met his partner and what his partner does for a living. How it felt to make the decision not to have children. I know a little about his day-to-day life with his partner, like what they do over the weekend or for my T’s birthday, but not too much info. I think he wants to protect his partner’s privacy.

*That he suffered from depression starting in childhood and lasting well into adulthood. That he has seen several different T’s of his own. He was on ADs in the past, but is not currently on them. I know which meds he was on and what side-effects he went through.

*He was going to become a priest, but as he was training, his depression became overwhelming. He’s talked a bit about making the choice to be chaste and celibate, and what that was like for him. He recently shared with me that when he was training to become a priest, his good (female) friend fell in love with him, and how they were able to deal with that (that story made me cringe so much and just feel so awful for the both of them.)

For the most part, I am really happy that he shares so much with me. I am very much of the mindset that he and I are equals, and I don’t think I could work with him if the relationship were completely a one-way street of information. His trusting me with the details of his own life lets me know that he respects me. Knowing that he has his own struggles with depression makes me feel closer to him. I have no illusions about him having a perfect life, and that actually helps me believe that he can be there for me.

My T seems, more often than not, quite open about herself... But when I really look at it, her disclosures are generally very relevant and timely with regard to what I happen to be going through in the moment.

I know a little about her family, because her practice is based out of an office in a part of her home. And a little more of her health and lifestyle that is linked to the nature of counseling that she offers.

There are times we differentiate from the norm and will discuss non-therapy related life - Such as weekend plans, favourite spots etc and little bits of our 'non therapy' based selves come out naturally... I think the things that we laugh, joke and share in these moments are, perhaps a bit less calculated and intentional. And I think that's cool.

But, there are also clearly defined boundaries that come out when they are needed. Generally just via a casual little pull back in the therapeutic direction of the conversation.

I'm usually pretty okay with this when it does happen, because it reminds me of the nature of our relationship and reinforces why I'm there.

Sometimes the nature of what my T 'shares' with me is more in her eyes when we're talking about childhood trauma etc, and she will bring in a touch of her own experience to make mine feel less lonely. That feeling where you can tell that the other person not only can grasp what you are talking about, but that they really - TRULY- get it.. because they've lived it.

These moments are usually found in long quiet bits of eye contact - Once, where we both just kind of sat there in that 'knowing/understanding' connection for a few moments, until we were both in tears... It was an overwhelmingly powerful moment.

Thank you all for responding! I have some different perspectives that I hadn't thought of or some that I thought, but didn't know how to verbalize.

NavyMe-I love what you said here...

quote:

Sometimes the nature of what my T 'shares' with me is more in her eyes when we're talking about childhood trauma etc, and she will bring in a touch of her own experience to make mine feel less lonely. That feeling where you can tell that the other person not only can grasp what you are talking about, but that they really - TRULY- get it.. because they've lived it.

These moments are usually found in long quiet bits of eye contact - Once, where we both just kind of sat there in that 'knowing/understanding' connection for a few moments, until we were both in tears... It was an overwhelmingly powerful moment.

Beautiful! This captures the feeling in words!