DF - I think I didn't make much sense with my first post, so I'll try to explain what I meant about symptoms. When I said I was making up that this "part" even exists, he was mentioning headaches and nausea I have gotten for months every single time we try to discuss hard stuff related to this particular part (and before we were talking about a part and using a name, this particular age). So, all he was saying was, for me to have been making up this part, I would have had to for months been feigning these and other symptoms I was getting whenever "she" surfaced. I had not even realized that most of my nausea happens about this particular part/age until recently, just that I often get sick. So, he is not saying my symptoms prove my memories...in fact, he left room for them to not be exactly what/how they seem and specifically told me I don't need to push to make connections between all the fragments if they didn't make sense to me. He is saying he doesn't understand my doubting the existence of a part who has repeatedly surfaced in the same exact way, with the same exact personality and the same exact physical manifestations for several months. He left room for it to still not be true, but was asking me how and why I would make up such a child and have her be consistent (from his observations) for such a long period. He wasn't saying, "The abuse you're remembering must be true, because you have xyz symptoms that are common for abused people." Instead, he was saying, "She is scared and sick about this, if it was make believe, would it still feel that way?" I said, "Well, no, but that means she must not be real. That's the only way it makes sense." Then, he was saying, if she wasn't real, what about the nausea and headaches (symptoms) and other things we've had going on for months now? I couldn't really answer him satisfactorily as the only way that makes sense is if I planned it as some sort of attention seeking thing...sometimes I question whether I somehow unknowingly did that, but I don't think so. Anyway, I hope that makes sense.

Thanks for your support and your honesty as usual!

Hi Yaku,

It is great news to hear that you were able to share things with your T that you couldn't before. Your T probably didn't ask as many questions as usual because you were sharing such deep stuff and he was maybe giving you space to feel comfortable enough to say it.

Unfortunately it can take time for the relief to kick in as by sharing what you have has brought all the feelings back to the surface again which maybe why you feel so overwhelmed with grief. Hopefully in time this will lessen and the more you talk about it the less it will hurt. Therapy can be a roller coaster at times but it sounds like you are making really good progress.

Go easy on yourself.

Hugs
Butterfly

((((YAKU)))))

I'm sorry it is all so difficult for you. From my most recent reading, pulling this stuff out and processing it is so important in terms of healing and getting to where you want to be and not letting this stuff control you anymore. It will hopefully get better.

(((((HUGS)))))

(((Butterfly))) (((Liese))) and (((DF))) (belated there)

Thanks. I feel like I've been hit by a truck today. Well, I obviously don't know what that feels like, but that is the metaphor I'm using. I'm sore all over my body, I guess from being so tense and trembly last night, and my head is still achey and foggy. Doing some self-care today. H is watching Boo while I go get a haircut. Going to try to have a recovery day. I've been going non-stop for over a week, due to my trip, and haven't really processed the stuff that came up during the trip either. I have work, HOA board meeting and band practice tomorrow...so, I hope I can recover and not be a wreck around people.

Hi Yaku,
I just wanted to agree with what Butterfly said. Memories that get stored away were usually stored away because the feelings they evoked were overwhelming and couldn't be processed at the time, so part of remembering is that the feelings also come back. So the sadness, grief, anger, terror etc often follow a breakthrough. Because a traumatic memory is stored differently (at least current theory suggests that) the memories of those feelings aren't remote or weak the way we normally remember feeling something. You experience it as feeling it now.

In some cases for me, actually recalling an event or piecing something together was followed by a gap as long as years before I actually processed the emotions around the memories. I do want to encourage you though that it is the recognition and expressing of those feelings and having them be met with acceptance and understanding that led to being able to lay them to rest, which left room for other, better things. There is relief ahead, it's just further down the road, then you (or any healthy human being ) would like.



AG

((((Yaku))))

Glad you'll get to recover a little bit today. You know I'm in the thick of this stuff, too, so all I can really offer is endless hugs. My T has kind of used the physical symptoms in a similar way. When I say I made stuff up, she'll ask me where I think the physical stuff comes from (like nausea and sensations) if the things I'm saying don't have any merit whatsoever.

I hope you can get a little rest today!

Hugs Yaku,

Well done for facing that brave work and coming out the other side. No wonder you feel a bit shaky, but I am so pleased that you have some self-care in hand. That's so important. Please rest a little and look after you and remind yourself of how great you are doing.

starfish

(((AG))) (((kashley))) (((starfishy)))

I am feeling a bit better today. I let my hairdresser (a friend from church) do whatever she felt like and it didn't turn out as well as I would have liked, but I don't care too much. I was just glad for some time out of the house without chasing a nearly three-year-old around.

I am just very sad today, randomly on the verge of tears, without being actually able to cry. Just grieving the lack of safety back then and the lack of safety now that means I have no very close friends with whom I could actually be vulnerable. I can intellectually tell them this stuff, but I can't let anyone witness it meaning anything. I have H, but there is a lot of internal conflict about letting him be the one to support me when there is still so much healing and restructuring of boundaries to be done in that relationship. So, there is just T and I only have access to him three hours a week and at least one of those, he is not even in the room with me. And, it feels like the weight of being unprotected, trying to protect myself when I never learned how, is really crushing me right now. And, I'm very tired. But, very glad that I have been able to trust someone enough to let this stuff out. It's a very beautiful, fragile thing right now.

((((YAKU)))))

That's what I find the hardest part of therapy: the isolation. I'm going through this intense stuff that is the focus of my life right now and I don't have anyone outside of T (and the forum) to discuss it with. And, I actually am so glad I found the forum. It helps a lot but it's still hard. Sorry it hurts so much.

xoxoxo

Liese

(((Yaku)))

You were very brave to talk to T about these things. I know how hard it is and typically for me it can be destabilizing at first. It tends to ebb and flow in terms of dealing with the really hard stuff, having a wobble and then coming back out of that dark place for a breather and then back in.

Have absolutely nothing of value to add to this thread but, Yaku, I wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. It sucks to be stuck in the muck. That sounds like a Dr. Seuss book.

((((Yaku))))

Glad you are feeling a little bit better about things today. The feelings of sadness, though heavy, are healing in the long run. When we've had bad things happen in our past, we have to at some point grieve the loss of our innocence and our childhood. Sitting with those feelings of sadness can be so difficult though, but its important to allow yourself to grieve.

Thinking of you.

(((Liese))) (((STRM))) (((hemlock))) (((LG)))

Thank you guys for the support.

Liese - the isolation is definitely a problem. I have one friend who was in therapy for about 15 years a long time ago for a similar topic as what I'm currently exploring, so at least I have one person who "gets" it to talk to. But, it is still hard for me to do so on a vulnerable level for some reason.

STRM - I can really relate to the out and in. My main problem right now, as I'm sure you can relate, is just having everything be in these bits and pieces, having stuff I just "know" about the memories without knowing how I know, which makes me suddenly think I've made it up, and having chunks missing to give it a context, which gives me that same thought. I spent about half of Tuesday's session trying to convince T that I probably don't have any parts after all. Every other minute would be, "She has to be a lie," and then, "She says she saw ..." I'd like to think if I were able to really completely go away in therapy, I'd start believing this stuff a bit more, but it seems like that doesn't really matter.

hemlock - Thanks for the Dr. Seuss comment. It made me smile when I read it.

LG - Thanks for the reminder about how important it is to allow the grieving. It feels bad and I hate it, but no way out but through, right?


I had my phone session today and we did some really good work with a journal entry where T finally seems to have "gotten" that I need him to push me a little more. He said he didn't want it to feel like he was dragging stuff out of me, but he hears that I'm asking for him for help pulling stuff out of what I've written and actually processing them together. He said that he does "hear" what I write (which is significantly less than I used to) and him not addressing it was only about not being pushy, not avoiding certain topics, because of any discomfort on his side...and that he didn't know, though thinks he probably should have understood, that I felt that way. We also discussed my frustrations and struggles with having more direct communication, which he has been anticipating since we started longer sessions and I would love to figure out how to do, but just can't seem to get it together...

Anyway, I am wiped out from the long phone session today, but doing OK with the stuff that has been coming up, just really tired. It's not as flashback-y as it was a couple of days ago, as long as I distract myself to thinking about other stuff, so the anxiety and nausea and all that stuff is more manageable.