Hi Kim,

Welcome to this forum. It is a really cool place to get support etc. Seems that people can talk about more here than they can in many other places.

Anyway, bottom line what I read in your message is that you are suffering. You are having a pretty hard time not only with mistrusting others but you are also hard on yourself. I don't think you're necessarily clinically paranoid but rather as you said you are having trouble trusting. For years this was my only symptom. Then one day I found out about a history of severe abuse. It was weird how it all fell together. Not saying you were horribly abused but just be gentle with yourself. Something is hurting you inside.

I do encourage you to see a therapist (often called a "T" on this board.) Try to find a good fit. Someone you're comfortable with etc. Don't just settle for the first thing to come along. Make sure it's someone you can talk to.

Good luck

Jo

Hi Sweetkim,
Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you found this place. I agree with Jo, I'm not sure what is causing all the mistrust (although I completely understand as trust has been a HUGE issue for me that has taken a long time to work through) as its hard to know without knowing all your background, but bottom line, you are noticing behaviors of yours that you feel like are interfering with what you want from life and your closet relationships and you don't understand why you are behaving this way. That's pretty much why people go to therapy. We all act out of unconscious motivations, often laid down a long time ago, but being human, we cannot really know ourselves outside of relationship. We need a caring other who can reflect what they see so we can bring our unconscious to light, so to speak.

I would again repeat what Jo said, I would look for a therapist that you can form a good rapport with; especially because if trust is an issue, you'll also have trouble trusting a therapist. Please feel free to stick around and ask any questions that you want to. There's a lot of good people and good knowledge here. If you don't know alot about therapy I would also really recommend doing some reading on this site aside from the forum. Shrinklady does an awesome job of explaining therapy and how and why it works.

AG

Hey SK143!

First of all, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you have found this place here, and I hope you find a sense of community within these pages!

Also, I'd like to thank you for sharing what you did with us. It takes a tremendous amout of courage to dive in, and I for one appreciate that you're here.

I'm glad that you are on a search for a therapist, and like the others, I encourage you to feel them out a bit and make sure you get a good vibe, so to speak. A few things in your post struck me, and I would like to take a minute and share those with you.

-I understand what you mean about the suspicion that people aren't who they pretend to be or that everyone is lying just to placate you. It's a very strange feeling because the lies i percieve people are telling me are very complex and creative- things most people would not put the energy into making up. I have found, for me, that this has it's roots in me not believing that I am worthy of authenticity and real relationships. I was raised lying to people all the time and to expect people were lying to me. My mother would ask "well, what do you think so-and-so "really" meant when she said that" and stuff like that. I soon learned that people apparently had motives I couldn't see, and that I needed to anticipate them. It's a very difficult concept to grasp, but as I learn that i am worthy of the truth and begin to trust that I have surrounded myself with safe people, I am finding it easier to let go of the notion that everyone is out to get me. As I learn to trust myself, I learn to trust other people.

-Strangely, I used to cry about the end of the world as well! I remember lying in bed and thinking about how sad it would be when people no longer existed. It was honestly scary to me, that one day everything wasn't going to exist anymore. I don't know if that is a normal fear or not, but I wanted to share with you that you are not strange (at least not any stranger than me )!

-Lastly, your strong reactions to your bf strike me as well because it seems like you experience fear when he is upset with you. I wonder what it meant for you when someone was angry or upset with you growing up. I was 18 before I realized that a person could be loving AND angry at the same time. Growing up, I was taught that feelings could only happen one at a time... love was revoked when anger or sadness or fear came in to the picture. Nothing could co-exist.

I say all of these things, not to suggest that your concerns are caused by the same things as mine, but just to show you that you aren't alone or weird. I think you are wise for recognizing some areas you'd like to change, and I hope that you will continue to seek what causes your problems. I will tell you a million times though, to make sure you find someone qualified to help you with this stuff. Trying to go at it alone can cause a lot of harm and loneliness, and I don't want that for you. We are here for you, rooting for you, and are looking forward to hearing more from you.

-CT

Thank you all for your replies!

I have talked to my sister about all of this and also spoke with my boyfriend. I know it's not the same as a trained professional but it was nice to talk to someone in general. My sister struggles with the same kinds of things I do, so I know I'm not alone and that's somewhat comforting.

And you are right, there are more things to the story that definitely explain why I am the way I am, things that happened in my past that have shaped who I am today.

I actually was in therapy as a teenager. But it was a forced thing. I was so against it and I really didn't like my therapist at all. In college, I voluntarily saw our school counselor on a weekly basis. That was nice for me but I just feel like we didn't get anywhere during our sessions. Plus, that was over a year ago and a lot has happened in the last year. So I am now in search of a therapist again.

I just wonder how you know when it's a good match. I mean, I would assume you have to sit down and talk with the therapist first but can't that discouraging?

Once again, thank you for your help!

Kim,
It's probably different for everyone. I've seen 7 therapists in my life. Two of them, I saw only once. I knew the first time I met them that it would not be a good fit. I don't know how I knew it, it was just a feeling. There was another therapist that I saw for 2 years. After the first year, she crossed all kinds of boundaries. I probably could have had her license revoked. But, we had a good bond, and we had done good work, and I took the good that I learned from her with me when I moved on. Three therapists, I saw at school, college, and they were on a short term basis, but I learned some stuff with them, but I didn't develop a strong bond or attachment. Then, there's my current T. I've been seeing her for 2 years. I couldn't ask for a better fit, or for a more professional, yet kind, caring, and loving therapist. I'm actually finally growing up with her. I knew the first time I saw her that she was the one.

What's my point? I think you know when you spend an hour or so with a therapist if it's going to work for you or not. Ask them questions. I think Shrinklady has a list of questions that you could ask somewhere on this website. Talk about yourself and sense how they react. Are they completely present? Just get a feeling for them. It's okay to try out a few of them to see what works for you. It's your money; it's your life. You said, "Isn't it kind of discouraging?" I guess in a way it is if you can't find someone who works for you. But, it's also exciting.

Good luck!

catgirl

BTW, if it feels discouraging, it's probably not the right person for you.