Thanks, but this was in session today after not getting there last week. She could see my pain, my desperation, my tears, my biting myself and she said nothing in reply.

I too am sorry for your pain. I wish your T had asked you to talk about it more. Maybe you will be able to bring it up at your next session? Do you think you could tell T what you meant, how you hoped she would answer, and why her silence hurt?

Perhaps it's the pain of rejection that's the cause here. I am terrified of facing it. All of a sudden a voice in my head said "and, what does it really matter if It doesn't matter to T as it matters to you?"

(((Melba))) I am so sorry did you guys talk about anything after that?

Somehow my T has corrected me out of "telling her" how she feels (not ALL the time lol but many times). It could be your T wanted you to refocus your feelings back on you (I feel like you don't care versus telling her how she doesn't care). My T used to do the silent thing (but we would still discuss the topic!!) but most of the time now she will just call me out. I'm not sure if your T has worked on these defenses with you yet - and if not I can't see why she would just not let it get addressed

Did you have a chance to tell her why you were thinking that way and what you experienced?

It was close to end of session. I emailed her. She replied saying something about its hard for me to deal with but our relationship is professional, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care about how I feel. But how she feels about it is different to how I feel, but she doesn't have to feel the same way I do to understand what I'm feeling. That if she did feel the same way I do she wouldn't be able to help me.
She added that though this is happening now, these are feelings of abandonment from my younger days and if she out them right now, it would be denying what I experienced when younger.
I sorta get that on an intellectual level, but I guess the 're-enactment' feels so real now that I can't seem to settle for anything but 'fix me now, now, now!'

It seems like she's trying to allow you to feel the pain. Easier said than received I know. And I know how you feel too. My T and I were contemplating termination so that I could possibly find a new T and she seemed so matter of fact about it. I said something to her about her response and she said that it isn't about how she feels but rather it is about me finding proper help. It just really hurt and even though we have agreed to continue to work together I never really put that out of my mind. I keep in mind that she could easily walk away. Sure she may give me some thought but it wouldn't be painful to her. It would devastate me right now. It's hard to have someone else have that kind of power.

I emailed some more with T yesterday (that she so willing emails back should be another sign she cares) saying I guess I don't know what caring looks like, plus terror that no one will care. T
Said that I need her to be a consistent adult, that she thinks as a baby if I got distressed,my mother would have got distressed, but not in response to me, but in response to her own internal baby and that I would have held onto that form as mirroring as it was better than nothing. But mostly being with my mother, was just like being left alone with another baby.
So now when I cannot get T to mirror I fear no one is there.
I wish my mother had been able to be a consistent adult. What a difference my life would be.

Melba, your T's words sound almost verbatim to the things my ex-T used to say to me. I too found it near impossible to make the emotional little me yield to intellectual reasoning. I tried so hard to get my T to care for me the way I wanted her to care. In the end I suppose I got bitten by my success because she eventually lost objectivity when her feelings got in the way, and both of us got hurt, me especially, when she terminated me over it. I don't know what the answer is to easing your pain, because I have yet to work through my own, but I do know that what I wanted desperately from my T turned out to be bad medicine. I am so sorry to say it.

That must have been heartbreaking! I understand exactly what you wrote, it's like I on the one hand what more, but part of me is also praying she doesn't fold. Which I know she won't. But what is this ambiviance all about :-(