quote:

Then I want to tell my T I need a therapy break. I can't do T and fight with my husband. I've even spent time looking for other T's near me and wondering if I should go talk to someone else to help me figure out whether my T was right for me. It seems ridiculous to see a T about a T. The crazies keep growing with me.

I am in that same boat! I feel the same way. My God it gets weird doesn't it? Makes you stop and wonder what the hell is going on.

About your husband and your T. I can only imagine that you are at the breaking point right now especially because you are stressed out and the people you normally turn to for support are not "there" in a supportive way right now. Ouch.

I get in this position a lot myself. I am in it right now so I am asking you as much as myself what we can do to get a little space, breath, perspective??? I am at a loss but trying. Maybe if I knew someone else was working against the escalating stress I could do it too. It was suggested that I walk my dog. I don't feel a thrill over this one.

Maybe I can go get a favorite food like special olives etc???

Anway ((incognito)) I am thinking of you. I know you don't know me but I like you on these discussions.

My heart goes out to both of you. I know for me right now, the only place where I feel trusting and slightly able to open up and be understood, is in the container with my T. I can't even imagine how hard it would be for me if I had lost that trust in her.

As I mentioned before WS on another thread, meditation is a great way to de-stress yourself. The book "Full Catastrophe Living" by John Kabat-Zinn gave me so much insight as to how I was only helping my stress to escalate. I haven't mastered this yet. It is a work in progress. John Kabat-Zinn also has some great CD's that will guide you through many different ways of meditating. I sort of fought it at first, but now I rely on it almost daily, and especially when I am about to go over the edge.

There are many classes on Minfulness Meditation that you may want to look into. I'm taking one at the hospital close to my home. All the people in my class are struggling with stress and anxiety for one reason or another. It has become a helpful support group for me. And adds just one more day of the week when I feel peaceful and understood. They truly stress not judging yourself.

Just some thoughts. Maybe they will seem interesting or doable for one or both of you.

PL

Incognito I just want to say that just because the rupture with your husband feels unfixable does not mean it is. It just feels that way. Marriage counseling may be a good way to get these feelings in the open to deal with. I have to say that you are brave in sharing what you feel about your T with your husband. My husband does not even know I'm IN therapy nevermind how I feel about my T. He would never ever be able to handle that and I would have to choose between him or continuing therapy. And right now therapy is central to my sanity.

Please try not to stress over the email. I sent one off to my T this morning and I know I'll be on pins and needles waiting for a response but I am trying to be realistic that it is the weekend and he is busy w/family stuff. Sometimes T's are just not good about email. Mine has in the past...completely missed one and ignored another one that I felt was pretty urgent. We actually spent a session talking about it and he has been much better lately. I know the waiting is hard. Just hang out here w/us to distract yourself from the waiting.

TN

PL, I am trying to work on the mindfulness meditation thing. My T suggested some books but I find it very difficult. I haven't quite got to a class but my husband has tried one and found it very helpful.

Jo, thank you for understanding and telling me you like me (though why I can't imagine). I've spent the day at my daughter's skating competition and it has been a great distraction from what is going on in my brain.

TN, I was able to talk to my husband last night. While I can't say our rupture was fixed, we were able to talk about, understand each other more clearly, and support each other. It has been a very difficult time for each of us. I've been seeing my T and talking about my childhood for the last 9 months. My husbands mother died 7 months ago and there is trouble settling her estate. I hope we can go to therapy together because it seems like there is so much going on I am barely able to keep afloat.

quote:

I am trying to work on the mindfulness meditation thing. My T suggested some books but I find it very difficult.

Incognito

Really, the CD's may be better than the books right now. While the books do explain it all, you have to be in the right frame of mind to read and absorb what they are saying. The CD will give you 45 minutes of peacefulness once you get used to it. I HAD to do it today because the anxiety was building up so much in me that I couldn't stand it. Kabat-Zinn has a very soothing voice that guides you all the way through it. I bought them on Amazon.

I'm sorry for what you and your husband are going through. My mom died 2yrs. ago, but it seems like yesterday and I still have not processed the grief. Settling an estate is just more stress on an already stressful situation. I hope he is willing to go to therapy with you, or at least by himself. That is the only thing that is saving my sanity now. And, just barely.

PL

My T contacted me today and was really quite reasonable in his response. Told me we could talk about it and he wasn't freaked out by it. It feels like his response came too late. It has been 4 days since I sent him the email and I feel like he ignored my feelings. We've had this out of session contact conversation before and I know that this is what he is willing to offer. He gets back to me when he can fit it in. He doesn't do evenings and weekends. I understand it but I'm still upset by it. I feel like I need more but I am being completely unreasonable. I want to write him the following email:

I think I understand I am the one freaking out and unwilling to talk about it. I think
that I should stop therapy, I'm not very good at it. Things have been going badly for me
and between **** and me as a couple. I know that these things are related but I'm quite
overwhelmed right now and can't untangle the different issues. I would like to come in on
Wednesday night and talk about it with you reasonably but I think we both know that I
won't and there will be a lot of silence and frustration (at least on my part) and I'll
just be wasting your time.

Let's cancel this week's appt and I will contact you if I think there is any chance that
I can talk to you in the future.

Does it make any sense to continue with a therapist who may be great but can't (for good reasons) meet your needs? I don't know if I am making the right decision or if I'm just trying to stop the pain by being the one to end the relationship. Also, it is true I will go in there and be unable to talk about what is bothering me. It happens all the time and then I'm just so angry at myself.

I hope everyone else is surviving the transference pain. It just seems to me I can't deal with one hour a week. I either don't get enough said or I don't say what is important. Then when I contact him outside of my session time I don't get a response so I'm hurt.

((Incognito))
I am so sorry for the tremendous pain you are enduring lately. I know its bad enough just trying to muddle through therapy let alone when it stirs up a contentious rupture with our husbands. My H is usually very gentle and supportive, but sometimes he just doesn't get it and he explodes because he's been holding it all in trying thinking that is being supportive to me. It seems all to often that we have experienced rupture and the very worst and lowest times for me and it sends me spiraling out of control like a little girl being rejected, and verbally battered all over again. Not that my husband is abusive in any way. He doesn't have to be for me to spiral back to my childhood at the slightest little trigger and feeling of emotional abandonment. So I know how much more this adds to your load. And we just lost my FIL a little more than a year ago and we're still dealing with estate matters and so with all of this going on, plus the stress of our three children it can be a real PITA to deal with. So I want to express that I acre for you and to let you know that because of my therapy my H and I are doing much better at comunicating and I seldom spiral anymore. It does get better. It's a lot of stress for both the person in therapy and for their spouse.

As for your T, I'd so ditch the email for communication purposes other than to send him something to review prior to your session. Despite his inconsistancies in email, do you feel that you've been making progress with him otherwise? I sort of got the idea that you had. But I have a hard time keeping my feelings straight so if I am mistaken please forgive me.

quote:

It just seems to me I can't deal with one hour a week. I either don't get enough said or I don't say what is important.

These seem like very typical frutrations for all of us. While that doesn't help your stuation I hope it makes you feel less alone

Please know that you are cared about very much.
JM

Incognito- I am so sorry to hear how you have been struggling lately. Along with many others here, I too have endured the pain of wanting more than what my T is willing to offer. At times, I have felt so rejected that I wanted to quit, so I certainly understand what you're saying. I have also begged for more than one hour a week (and still do). I plead with her and she tells me no over and over, never getting impatient that I keep asking. There are two things on this point that I wanted to share with you:
1) I was expressing my frustration about being limited to an hour a week to a friend of mine. I kept telling her that I thought I could get through SO much more with my T if I just had more time. My friend listened and then asked me "Have you ever thought that maybe your T doesn't think you NEED more than one hour a week? I mean, after all, she is a professional and we go to T's often because we don't know what our needs look like."
2) When I brought this up to my T, she agreed with my friend (obviously), and said, "how much more can you really feel right now? You are overwhelmed as it is (I had just been telling her how overwhelmed I was).

I guess I just wanted to share these things with you to help you see that sometimes what we think we need isn't what we need at all. Often, we need some consistency- someone to sit still and wait for us while we bounce back and forth off the walls.

quote:

I think I understand I am the one freaking out and unwilling to talk about it. I think
that I should stop therapy, I'm not very good at it. Things have been going badly for me
and between **** and me as a couple. I know that these things are related but I'm quite
overwhelmed right now and can't untangle the different issues. I would like to come in on
Wednesday night and talk about it with you reasonably but I think we both know that I
won't and there will be a lot of silence and frustration (at least on my part) and I'll
just be wasting your time.

Let's cancel this week's appt and I will contact you if I think there is any chance that
I can talk to you in the future.

As for your email, I definitely think it is something you should share with your T, but it might be most helpful to do so in the context of "this is how I have been feeling." I often walk into my T's office and she will ask me how my week has been and I will simply just hand her something I have written to illustrate it for her.

I also want to say that, contrary to what you say in your email draft, it doesn't seem to me that you are "unwilling" to talk about what is going on. What I hear you saying is that you feel like your needs/wants aren't being met and because there is so much emotion surrounding the subject, you struggle getting the words out. I also hear you saying that you have had appointments in the past where not much was said and you have been angry about it. But I doubt that your T is expecting you to come in being unreasonable or reasonable- I imagine he expects you to come in as you (nothing more, nothing less) and hopes you will share with him whatever you are comfortable sharing. As for the silence, that is never a waste of time. Annoying? Yes. Feels like a waste of money and time? Yes. But it is also an example of him, sitting across from you, waiting for you, and being patient until you are ready. This whole process is about you, and I think you hit the nail on the head when you said: "I don't know if... I'm just trying to stop the pain by being the one to end the relationship."

Unfortunately, the pain won't stop if you stop going to therapy. None of us would stay very long if it did. I hope that you will be able to express some of this to your T and I hope that you make it to your next appointment. Remember, just because you haven't been able to open up to him in the past, doesn't mean you won't ever be able to. Give yourself the gift of going at the speed you need to go at, he is already giving you that freedom.

CT, thank you for your words.

quote:

I also want to say that, contrary to what you say in your email draft, it doesn't seem to me that you are "unwilling" to talk about what is going on. What I hear you saying is that you feel like your needs/wants aren't being met and because there is so much emotion surrounding the subject, you struggle getting the words out. I also hear you saying that you have had appointments in the past where not much was said and you have been angry about it.

This in particular helped me so much because you are right. I am unable to talk about what I want to talk about on command and so the sessions I can't talk are so frustrating for me.

JM, I will try not to send him anymore Emails (a resolution I have made before) except just before my session. I've decided to send him my email (minus the last paragraph) on Wed so we can discuss it in my session. I also have 3 kids and life is overwhelming me too often. I have felt like I have made progress with my T. It is just so painful so much of the time I am not sure I can keep going.

Thank you all for sharing with me your thoughts, advice, and stories.

Incognito (aka More Cognito ):

When I was writing to you earlier, I was racking my brain trying to adequately summarize a passage from "In Session" that I have found particulary helpful. Well, I couldn't do it justice, and since I was at work, I couldn't look it up. Anyway, here it is. I don't know if it will help you, but it definitely helps me when I want my T to do what I want and not what is best. It kinda puts things in perspective and helps me remember why I put myself through the torture that is therapy. Note, this chapter is specifically about maternal transference, but I think this quote can apply to all forms of transference:

In Session, pg 177
"It's naive to assume that an adult's fantasy of perfect mothering is a simple wish. Whatever happened in childhood, whatever the child internalized, has all been confounded by the years of feelings and experiences that have occurred since. Beneath the surface of the client's plea for a good mother may reside a complex of irreconcilable wishes. To try and fulfill any one of them is to deny the woman's history and to deprive her of the right to grieve what was lost and to own the ways she has compensated for her losses."

Hey, I love that book.
In session is a great book and has helped me a lot.

Ok...you guys have mentioned this book several times. It is however out of print and I can't find it for less than $50...YIKES...would you say it is worth that?

Anybody want to sell their copy? Is it available at a public library? hmmm....wondering if I need to read it.

SD

Soulful,
I'm really sorry, I already gave my copy to someone who was having the same problem you are. It was a really good book, but I'm not sure I'd spend $50. I couldn't find the book at the library. Bottom line, it would be great to read if you can get a hold of it but I don't think it will hamper your recovery if you don't.
It is available from Alibris for $38 if that's more palatable.

AG

SD,

I got a copy from my public library so I think it is possible depending on your library system.

Thanks for the new nickname HB and CT.

FYI SD (and anyone else interested), there are some used copies of In Session at Amazon.com right now for about $12.00 and up. I paid $30 with shipping so it's a pretty good price!

-CT