Hi ElizaJ

I can really identify with what you have written - reminds me of sessions with my previous T. It is so very very difficult to handle all those raw emotions, sensations and confusions. It sounds from here that maybe the T is going maybe too fast, or at least isn't in step with you? Maybe she hasn't spent enough time gently helping you to feel safe enough to do this kind of work?

Does it help to email? I never used to know if and when mine would reply either - and like yours sometimes just said 'we can talk about it next Tuesday' - which isn't enough to settle a client is it?

If you are unsure of anything - do ask her to explain. I spent too much time worrying about what she meant - all the time in the end, and no time to work on my stuff.

Hope things settle down for you.

take care,

sb

I guess this whole issue is all about the thing I fear the most - boundaries.

And responsibility.

Growing up I was responsible for my mother's feelings. I needed to do a good job, or otherwise I'd end up suffering. As long as I could take care of her needs and put HER before me, I had a better chance of her not flipping out and hurting me physically (or emotionally).


I don't know how much of what I'm struggling with is my responsibility or my Ts. I swing between thinking 'she should DO something to HELP me' and 'it's all my fault, it's entirely up to ME to manage how badly I'm doing right now - she doesn't care anyway'.

I'm thinking of emailing her still. I'm having a lot of strong self harm thoughts - but I'm torn between telling her that (so she might be able to help) and not telling her, least I feel dismissed or invalidated by her response (or lack of it).

If I don't email her for help / support, I won't get any. But I'm worried if I do reach out, getting an email saying 'let's talk about it Friday' would leave me feeling so much worse - and I don't feel safe with the idea of 'feeling worse' right now.

For years I've managed to contain a lot of my distress and trauma wounds. I hold down a job with a lot of responsibility (for the well being of others in my care). But right now I feel it's all tethering on the edge - I'm scared of how strong the self harm urges are, and how obsessive they come.

I'm so scared I'm going to lose control completely

And I have a LOT to lose if I act out on those feelings. I'm under review for my job - my T, and Drs are due to write a report to my supervising board. They have the power to stop me working altogether. It happened at the end of last year - I am in financial stress due to that, and I could still lose my house .

I sent her an email.

I think I got the balance right - i said a little how I was feeling (like I'm losing control and having really strong self harm urges), and that I was really badly triggered by our last session. I said the 2 things that triggered me were a) her giving me a piece of paper with peer support contact on it (in response to my feeling unsupported at the moment) and b) her bringing up boundaries right at the very end of our session.

I wrote that even writing it was incredibly hard, left me feeling physically sick and like I might pass out. I said I can't write more about it now, but would send her the email anyway and try again later.

I'm glad I sent what I did. It enabled me to start telling her what's happening for me. And gave me some 'control' in how much I tell her about it at one time. I wasn't trying to 'leave her hanging' - I really do plan on adding more in another email.

I know it was a huge step for me, bringing it up. She's always encouraged me to tell her if I ever 'feel wounded' by something she's said or done. It's so hard being honest and saying 'hey, this hurt me'. Namely cos I fear the consequences - it's like I will be hurt further by however she responds: I fear I will either feel completely dismissed / invalidated (due to how she doesn't respond / 'care') or incredibly 'manipulative' if she does 'care' - because it will feel I 'made' her care by telling her I felt hurt

Sigh.

At least the self harm urges have weakened since I emailed her. I know she won't get it until tomorrow (Tuesday) at the earliest - and that helps, because there is physical DISTANCE between my sending it and her receiving it - which feels 'safer' and far less intense or invasive.

Just wish the flashback I'm having as a result of this whole situation, would stop

Eliza,

Breathe, girl, just breathe! Therapy is hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. Did I mention hard? I thought I had known pain before I started therapy. Then I got into the thick of it and discovered otherwise.

Here's what happened: when you were experiencing all that horrible stuff in the past, your brain blocked out some of the pain - put it in a place where you couldn't feel the full brunt of it. This is how you survived. Now that you are in a safe place and able to access those areas, your mind is letting all that unfelt pain out. It feels very immediate, like the abuse is happening all over again. But here's the key: IT'S NOT. It's not happening now. Your mind and body are just trying to process a very painful past.

I know "boundaries" is your trigger word (please forgive me for using it), and I know why: you see them as something others wield against you to keep you from getting the love and affection you need. However, this is what they really do: they keep out bad things and let in good things. Boundaries aren't just for other people to have; they're for you to have, too.

Abuse is boundary violation. That's what your mother did: she violated your boundaries. (You assume that her boundaries were too strong because she didn't love you when, in fact, she had no boundaries at all.) What your T is doing is acknowledging that you have boundaries and respecting them. This is so you DON'T experience abuse again.

Those of us who have been seriously violated by a caregiver assume that someone must overstep their boundaries or ours in order to give us what we need. That's how it feels because that's what our experience has taught us. But it's not so. Boundaries help us to get what we need in a safe, appropriate way. IT FEELS PAINFUL because we're not emotionally accustomed to functioning in this way. But it WILL get better.

My advice: Don't email your T. Call her if you can. Tell her you are in distress. Let her hear your voice. Don't leave this kind of stuff to email. It's too important.

Gentle hugs.

Thank you for your reply Affinity. My 'wise mind' needed to be bought back into focus; let the emotional mind step back.

I can't call my T - we don't have phone contact, it's only email inbetween sessions, and even then she's been clear she will do her best to reply if I ask for a reply; her replies won't be long, and we will talk in person at the next session. She may not reply for a day or two, or even get my email for a couple of days.

That was one of the triggers in our session - I have so little support (long story but my caseworker has really really let me down and it's triggered up past trauma so I'm not in a space to talk to her at all yet), my safety net / usual support isn't available. I don't have friends (I'm an emotional island on purpose). So I'm alone with my pain and don't have anyone I can call.

I had emailed my T about it and the problem with my caseworker - I guess I was hoping she might be able to offer me further support inbetween sessions - perhaps a phone call, SOMETHING - but she instead gave me the contact details of a peer support group - but it's when I'm in CRISIS I'm struggling - so it felt like she was offering me a band aid, when I needed a surgeon.

It left me feeling I don't matter; my pain doesn't matter to her.

And the boundaries thing - it felt like she invaded me - I didn't even 'freeze' - I was thinking 'this can't be happening this can't be happening' but my biggest concern was 'DONT LET HER KNOW YOURE AFFECTED IN ANY WAY'. I didn't feel I could let her know it hurt - that SHE (inadvertently) hurt me.

That goes back to my mother - I had to PROTECT her. Even - and especially - when my pain (emotional or physical) was caused by her - I had to hide it. Always. It's my fault if someone else is unhappy, even if they caused me pain first.

With my T it was so awful - it felt she was bringing it up because SHE needed to talk about it - my needs and feelings didn't matter at all - it really felt like a kind of emotional molestation - she wanted to have HER need met (by bringing it up), regardless of what I needed or didn't want


I know you say it's not happening now - but because of my PTSD and the flashbacks, it does feel like it's happening now. All the logic in the world doesn't take the rawness away from it - I react emotionally and neurologically like it is abuse happening in the now. I cannot tolerate any 'grounding' / 'mindfulness' as it makes me very dissociated and I find even those words (or it being suggested) REALLY triggers me so badly. My PTSD and flashbacks make it like one second I'm am in the present, the next I really am back in childhood - they only last a couple of seconds but I can have them hundreds of times a day - I find myself momentarily confused as to 'why am I in this city' and 'what is my dog doing here - I didn't have a dog growing up'.

It's like being in a horror time machine, that in any second I am triggered and am back in childhood, then back in the now (with the aftermath if the flashback). And back again. Back and forth.

I'm trying so hard to keep control. I can't being myself to continue the email tonight. I just can't. guess it's practising 'self care' taking time out from it that way.

I used prn meds to avoid acting out today with self harm. Work helped. I'm feeling pretty fragile.

Tomorrow will be hard because I know my T will probably be at work and if past experience has anything to go on, I'll spend all day both hoping she will email me back and fearing it. I didn't ask for a reply back though, so unlikely I'll get one.

It would be nice if she just reached out anyway, but I doubt she will

I wish so much she would.... I just feel so alone and that she doesn't care; she is oblivious to my pain and distress, and emailing her about it won't change a thing.

My T sent me a short email; said she's sorry things are so hard for me right now, that hopefully we can talk about it more on Friday, and she's glad I've been able to let her know I was triggered.

I hadn't asked for a reply, and to have an email reply back on the day I sent her one is pretty special.

I'm torn between emailing her back tonight while I'm in an ok frame of mind, or not, in case focusing on it brings it back to overwhelm level.

So grateful to be working - it helps me feel somewhat ok cos it's such a good, healthy distraction.

I want to email my T this morning - I really feel I need so e reassurance from her, but I really don't think I can go into any details about HOW I was triggered in our last session.

In a perfect world i would be able to talk to her on Friday; a back up plan would be to email her everything NOW, because if I think emailing her about my reactions and why is impossible, trying to talk to her about it in person will likely be so much harder.

But I feel so fragile - I feel so scared. I feel so wounded and - yes, without trying to be too dramatic about it - traumatised. I know it's MY stuff, MY past and My transference that has triggered the pain and hurt and fear. But logic doesn't translate into being able to 'logically' turn off some very very raw, scary as hell feelings

Whenever I think of seeing her or emailing her or having ANY contact I have flashbacks. It's never been this strong before (my reaction to something she's done or said).

It's a real reenactment of how it was with my mum - fearing someone so much, yet still desperately needing and aching for their support and reassurance

I'm scared to reach out via email also because it's so limited in the comfort it can provide. There's no tone, it's just words on paper. I'm scared if I put it out there to her what happened, I will feel further traumatised when I only get a written email back - the support via email just can't possibly be anywhere 'enough' comfort or reassurance .

Feel so stuck. Maybe I could email her that much - my fears ( without specifics) and the limitations of support via email. Sigh.

It will be a no win situation - I guess part of me would love her to offer to phone me (or phone me) - the other part would feel terrified receiving a call from her (cos she would be too close to me that way, her voice RIGHT in my ear!!!!)...

But, this is what triggered the whole thing anyway - having the fact of what limited support she can / or WILL be willing to provide me (ie - hasn't said it but it's unsaid, no phone calls - cos she only works in her office one day a week where I see her - I'd be phoning her other place of work if I tried to phone her, and I strongly suspect it would NOT be ok).

It has triggered up overwhelming thoughts of 'it doesn't matter HOW much I suffer or how bad my pain is, she can't - WON'T - 'be there' for me anymore than she is already'.

God that is so incredibly painful

I'm so sensitive to this boundary stuff. A HINT of her putting up a boundary leaves me feeling horrifically rejected - and further traumatised

The harder part of all of this - we are only in the very beginnings of working through the transference stuff and the trauma it triggers in me.

How can I go further when it already feels so incredibly hard? The self harm tights were so damn strong I really was on the verge of losing control with them. It's not what I want to happen - I DONT want to revert back into major self harm. It's been years and years since I have (I have done some minor stuff but I've felt in control of that). It's just my feelings and pain have been so intense and I feel So completely alone inbetween sessions which further reinforces my pain

Hi Eliza,
Looked you up on this forum after your sweet reply to me. You did great: you did send an email and explained. Now it's up to you to try not to take too big a step. Maybe your T is going too fast (I always thought mine did), but I was hurrying too. Tiny tiny babysteps. It will be a miracle if you can see her on Friday and just be present in her office. And tell her that as soon as you walk in. That you want to see her but not aggravate things by going too fast. Just presence, both of you, and not too much difficult stuff. I think (and hope and pray) she'll understand.
You're doing really well, only it feels like... (luckily I don't know the English word for it )
Hang in there and lets keep in touch.

quote:

How can I go further when it already feels so incredibly hard?

I have been right in this spot before. The answer is: "So you can find healing." For years, I stuffed all of my pain and feelings into a little "box" inside of me. Then I hit a crisis one day, and the box exploded. Everything came flooding out. I had weeks that were so hard: couldn't do anything at work, couldn't play with my kid, couldn't carry on a coherent conversation, could hardly get out of bed. I thought I would be consumed by it all. There were times I was seriously tempted to get a new box, cram it all back in, and quit therapy. But I didn't because I knew if I did that, nothing would change. I would still be hurting, still be struggling with my identity, still be stuck in the same frustrating cycles that have held me back.

You're in the thick of it now, but it WILL get better - probably a lot sooner than you think, too. Take it slow, be gentle with yourself and hang in there.

Thank you both for replying - it helps to know someone reads and cares enough to reply...

When I say I don't know if I can go further into it it's in terms if my safety - I am DREADING this coming weekend as to how I will cope following our session on Friday. I really do not know if I can keep myself safe; and not do major self harm (won't go into details, not talking about suicide though).

I don't have anywhere to turn to if I feel like that. I had a horrific experience almost a year ago reaching out to the emergency psych team where I live - I'd started having PTSD flashbacks and I was suicidally depressed. It took me two days to reach out for support; I was in crisis. I'd seen my GP 3 times in 2 weeks for more and more urgent referrals to the psych system - I was on a month long waiting list. When I telephoned the emergency service I'd just wanted to go in ad talk to someone FACE TO FACE. I'd wanted contact, and a temporary plan put in place to help get me through the month waiting for my app at outpatients.

They wouldn't see me. For the next FIVE HOURS I was made to wait at home, be out on hold, telephoned back, offered a home support service to come and see me at home - not for my suicidality, but to help me achieve tasks like dishes around the home

Of course, that support agency said they can't help me when I said it was my suicidality and PTSD that was my biggest issue right then. I was then told off by the emergency psych team for not co operating, and they RELUCTANTLY allowed me to go in and see so one face to face - 5 hours after I first phoned for support.

I think the only reason why I hung on that long was because I found the whole thing so incredibly shocking. Even then I was sent away with no support or options until my app in a month's time .

I was on my own. My (old) T couldn't help me or take me seriously.

So now basically, I cannot afford to reach out if I'm really struggling to keep myself safe because if I was tethering on the edge; if I had the Sam experience as a year ago in being responded to in that way, I'd go OVER the edge.

It's just not SAFE reaching out for help. I can't

And so I have to cope on my own. I have no choice. And that too is freaking scary when I feel so close to losing control.

I'm going to email my T and try to tell her everything. I think I'm in a detached enough state at the moment I can do that, without any expectations or hopes.

I just have to stay in feeling 'neutral' - like an outside person looking in at the situ ion, rather than the person going through it.

I don't know if I can hold onto feeling that after I send it to her - but I am prepare to take the risk.



Wish me luck, please......

I emailed her but didn't go into details.

I was able to explain WHY I don't think I can talk about it or tell her what happened and my response though, which feels ok.

I was honest and said it feels bad and wrong to talk about it cos there isn't a solution, there's isn't anything she can do about it (my not feeling safe inbetween sessions - cos there really ISNT anything she can do); and as I know she didn't try to hurt me on purpose, it also seems wrong to talk about it - and in doing so I'd just end up feeling pathetic and stupid. I said I feel ashamed of my response, 2 whole days later; and how I should have said something at the time.

I said I wanted to use the apology of being molested (in that the other person does things and you freeze and can't do or say anything), but it's different in this situation because she wasn't trying to hurt me or make me freeze; so it's more my fault for not just saying something.

I didn't ask for a reply.

I feel so incredibly guilty for telling her as much as I did. I feel ashamed for saying how I felt, in case it leaves her feeling bad for UNINTENTIONALLY hurting me.

Hi hollow - I never got to see what you wrote. I hope you might post again.


Feeling 'ok' this morning. I see my T in a little over 24 hours. I feel relatively ok given how hard a week it's been. I feel I've managed to contain the rawest of feelings and they are no longer intense in an out of control way.

I think I'll spend most of our session tomorrow talking about HOW I can keep myself safe over the weekend particularly. The intensity of my self harm urges were so awful and I REALLY do NOT want to act out in that way.

The stakes are too high if I were to self harm and need medical treatment (ie it wouldn't be a secret only I knew about). Hurting myself to the point of needing medical treatment means a major loss of control - it would be out of my hands who finds out what I've done.

I'm on probation for work - my Dr, psych dr and T are all due to write reports to my professional body this month. If I FARK it up and act out, I could very well lose my job.

Losing my job means losing my house. Id have nowhere to live. I'd probably need to give my pets away .

Not to mention the SHAME. As well as letting down. Y work colleagues in a huge huge way (they'd need to take over my work). And the clients I work with - again.

And self harming would mean I probably wouldn't be able to go up the mountain snowboarding - one of the few things I LOVE. Been a very long 8 months countdown looking forward to the season starting (in a week and a half).

Thank you for 'listening' - I felt I needed to reiterate all the very important reasons why I CANNOT afford to lose control and act out with self harm, no matter how rough it is

I know I'm taking to myself on here now. I don't care. I just wanted to share that while I was not able to talk about what triggered me (far too raw); I was able to tell her it felt abusive, and that even in our session today, it felt like abuse.

I told her how I feel about taking it through - why bother when there is NOTHING she can do about it? Why bring it up and risk a) my feeling INTENSLY ashamed; b) hurt her cos she hurt me and the huge massive effect it had on me; c) nothing can be done about it - I'm raw and over sensitive and I will likely continue to be triggered no matter what anyway.

Going into detail as seems pointless. For now anyway.

I was also able to say how MY PAIN MEANS NOTHING. That it mattered NOT ONE BIT how much pain and distress or pain and suffering I go through - it affects not one other person. It makes NO DIFFERENCE at ALL in the wider world. Whether I have a great weekend after seeing her, or I am in emotional and mental hell - my suffering alone at home makes no impact on anyone, or anything.

I also said it's the same about my feeling like she doesn't care - what difference does that make? Whether or not she does is not the point - my perception is she doesn't; it's how I feel - while I can recognise it might just be my PERCEPTION and not based on reality, it's still how I FEEL. And it feels very real.

So what did she say when you told her?

TN

I can't really remember.

Not a lot she could say to that. She knows better than to fruitlessly try to 'convince' me otherwise (because that is just patronising and NOT why I told her any of it).

She wants to work out a way to ensure I can feel safe in therapy; she doesn't want me to 'feel like I'm being molested' by turning up.

Like I said to her - I feel so hurt and fragile and vulnerable and ALONE - and at risk of not being able to control the self harm urges (at times) that I can only respond by putting my walls back up right now.

But I was able to acknowledge that of course - putting my walls back up means I can't feel 'cared for' or 'protected' by going to therapy.

But the pain - and very real distress - is just TOO great. I don't have any supports outside therapy. I don't have friends or family to turn to.

I want to be brave enough to tell her how much it HURTS I can only email her inbetween sessions, with all the limitations on that (she can't promise she will always reply; she can't write anything but a short response).

I want to be able to tell her how much it HURTS a how that the biggest obstacle right now is the limitations on what she can do to support me. Up til now, the pain was wrote the return - it was enough to just be able to send her an email (sometimes 2) in the week inbetween seeing her.

But now - my pain is deeper, more raw, and I am STUCK - I cannot bring myself to open u more knowing that the level of support she is currently giving me, is as much as it can be No matter how fucking distressed I am or how much my pain overwhelms me.

I don't want to tell her that because I feel I have to protect her - why risk making her 'feel bad' or worse - hopeless????

If the answer is 'she won't, because it's not her stuff it's mine' then that leaves me feeling like she doesn't give a shit.

EJ - You're not talking to yourself. I'm listening. So are others. A lot of people don't respond, but that doesn't mean they don't care. We hear you. We hear how much you are struggling, how much you hurt, how scary it is to feel that you might lose control and all the consequences that could carry. I do hope you are able to get some support and a safety plan with T today.

Many hugs -
-RT

So EJ what would give you the support you need? Do you have an idea of what you want from T?

She may not be able to give you what you need but that doesn't meen you can't get your needs met. Maybe there is a support group that you could attend midweek. I don't know if you are a person of faith or not but attending services can bring folks peace. Can you find a volunteer position somewhere to fill some of your other alone time. That would give you people to interact with and a sense of purpose in the wider world.

I don't mean to discount your pain. I truly understand. I'm in a bad spot with my T right now myself. I just want you to realize you don't have to put all your eggs into one basket.

's

Jillann

EJ--- I think Jill made some very good points. There comes a time when we all have to take a bit of risk in therapy and also to find some outside support. I think if you can write down what exactly you need to feel helped and supported by T then you can bring it to her and discuss it and perhaps get some of your needs met by her.

What type of modality of practice does your T use? Is she experienced? If she continues to be unresponsive and you continue to feel abused/neglected and unheard then I would suggest looking for another T who specializes in trauma. Working with trauma patients can be challenging due to their dysregualtion of emotions, anger and fear and it works much better if the T has experience in this area.

I have had a number of disruptions with my T and it feels horrible while you are in it, but resolving and repairing is a wonderful feeling and makes the relationship stronger but both parties have to want to do the work to get there.

I'm sorry for your pain.

TN

my T is a clinical psychologist, trained in dealing with trauma. she is very good at her job - very consistent, and i trust her. I've been seeing her since last august.

when i relapsed into my eating disorder very severely last year, she was the ONLY one i was seeing who listened to me, and advocated for me to get help i was not getting. I was seeing a consultant psychiatrist who ignored my eating disorder until i was so sick and had lost too much weight that i was reported to my professional body and lost my ability to work.

i am traumatized by that experience too, because for 3 months i was getting sicker and sicker and no one was helping me - my team was ignoring me because i wasn't sick enough yet - they thought it was a short term thing and 'id snap out of it - they failed to provide me care or refer me onto specialist services in time. i really thought i was going to starve myself to death with a bunch of people standing back watching me. it was incredibly hard to access any real help or treat me, until my heart was giving out, my electrolytes were really bad, and i got referring syndrome. all the while i was BEGGING them to HELP me please. i wanted to eat, but i couldn't. even when i got to the ED service, they told me i only had 4 outpatient sessions - they tried 'reverse psychology' thinking having me believe i had 4 sessions to 'start eating' or i'd be discharged form them altogether. it was so traumatizing - i was at the point of asking my dr for help with a do not resus order cos i was so sure i was going to be left to die

i am going to talk to her about how i feel. she knows there is something BIG, that left me very triggered and struggling to contain it. i was not able to talk about it last friday; but now i feel i can approach her via email about it this week (i usually email her the hard stuff, as a starting point for upcoming session - i can experess how i feel better, and put in the email if its something i don't know if i can talk about yet, so she always checks it out not he day - she will say the key word form the email issue, and we only talk about it if i can cope with it - i usually can, and we go very slowly).

i have outside support form an agency -= but my caseworker is an inconsistent f-ing slack ass who has let me down repeatedly and it triggered up flashbacks and worsened my PTSD symptoms. so i am in the process of finding a new one, which will hopefully mean i do have someone else to touch base with, phone and see in person, other than my T.

i dont do peer groups or support groups. i did once upon a time, but i find them too triggering nowadays. long story, but my city had 2 years of massive, strong, powerful, devastating earthquakes, once of which was fatal, killing 200 people, and the city itself is traumatized. any group i would attend, no matter what its set up for, would contain a fair share of those traumatized due to the quake3s, and i cannot tolerate talking or hearing about them (they triggered up childhood PTSD, childhood abuse memories and flashbacks; and i also got ptsd form the quakes themselves - which i haven't ben able to address, as the childhood abuse ptsd is the main issue right now).

i have to be very careful about what i see, read, or watch on tv - i cannot do anything 'quake' related. i don't watch live tv either - in case there is a report or breaking story of a quake / natural disaster. I'm very sensitive to anything linked to it in any way.

(i did try support gourds post quake, for my eating disorder, but every other person had a horrible story of people being killed or dying or trapped or homeless front the quakes so i had to stop going).

my T - i plan to say how i feel - I've need to let go of my expectation that telling her i feel 'she doesn't care' and that i 'wished i could phone her' or have more contact in-between sessions, would lead to me getting what i want. it was too painful a reality to have to accept that what i am currently getting form her, is probably as good as it can get. i do appreciate she doesn't' over promise and under delivers, like my caseworker!

quote:

I told her how I feel about taking it through - why bother when there is NOTHING she can do about it?

I was also able to say how MY PAIN MEANS NOTHING. That it mattered NOT ONE BIT how much pain and distress or pain and suffering I go through - it affects not one other person. It makes NO DIFFERENCE at ALL in the wider world. Whether I have a great weekend after seeing her, or I am in emotional and mental hell - my suffering alone at home makes no impact on anyone, or anything.

I apologize if what I'm about to say seems harsh.

Talking about your pain and working through it emotionally IS doing something about it. You have unprocessed pain. You must process it to move past it. YOU are going to therapy for YOU. YOU are doing the work. That's what the talking is: work you are doing in order to move past your pain. You're right, the therapist can't do this for you. She can help meet your need to feel heard, supported and accepted, but you must do the work. (And, no joke, it will be the hardest work you've ever done.)

Your pain may not affect scores of people around you, but it does affect someone really important: YOU. If it makes a difference to YOU and impacts your life, that's all that matters.

You claim that no one cares about or is affected by your suffering (and, therefore, you don't want to talk about it), but then you say you don't wish to burden anyone and make them feel hopeless by talking about it. Your T is trying to show you that she can listen and care about your suffering without becoming hopeless or negatively affected by it. Because hopelessness and emotional distress are not healthy expressions of care for another person.

When it comes to feeling and healing your pain, no one matters more than you. If it affects you, that's enough. That's a good enough reason to take action and work through it. I think your struggle is, at it's core, one of self-worth. You don't see yourself as worthy or capable of self-care, so you look to everyone else for their reactions to feel validated. If their reactions are too emotional, you feel guilty, but if their reactions aren't emotional enough, you feel ignored and neglected. This is a really painful place to be stuck. It puts you in a no-win situation where you get constantly triggered and let down. It's no wonder everything feels like abuse.

No one person can meet all of your needs. If you can't stomach support groups, you will need to build a community of support in other ways. Instead of joining a support group, why not join a book club or snowboarding group or some other gathering of people with shared interests? My T is very adamant that healing happens in community - and he's right.

I think all I needed to do was to tell her that is / was how I was feeling.

Seems to have helped because I no longer feel that way.

I didn't honk anything you said was 'harsh' btw. Although interestingly, the one sentence that triggered a pretty big reaction inside of me was the reference to 'my needs being met'- hate that so much, aye. Think I prefer to think I don't have any needs. Or that if I do, I'm best to not reply on ANYONE to help me with those. Dunno. But I definitely do not expect (or want) my T to 'meet all my needs' - that thought leaves me feeling really really ICKY.

I'm doing better the past couple days. I can sense a deep anxiety below the surface - I try to avoid thinking about seeing my T next Friday because the anxiety comes up with thinking about seeing her again. And I start to have some images and mini flashbacks from childhood again.

See how I feel tomorrow regarding my caseworker - part of me wants to sit back and wait and see if / how she contacts me. It's like her failing me / failing to do what she promises, really has me wanting to 'catch her out' - it's really bizarre - I feel it's a matter of self-justification? Ie the more she lets me down, the more it PROVES she really is useless - and therefore, it's NOT just 'in my head' or me 'being oversensitive'......

UPDATE:

I emailed my T today, told her how it felt and how I was so triggered when she bought up 'boundaries' at the end of our session nearly 2 weeks ago.

I'd used the apology of 'molestation' but had been unable to be specific about what she had done and how badly it affected me.

I took a huge bottle of brave and shared it in an email today.

I said that when she bought up something that I told her via email was SO HARD I didn't know if I could talk about it, and when she bought it up near the end if our session, it felt like she was doing it for HER benefit, and it didn't matter how bad I felt - she did it anyway to meet her needs (damn, wish I'd out it like that cos it is better way if putting it than in the way I did in the email!).

I said how it took me a couple of days to realise my honest reaction at that time, because I felt so bad and knew she probably wasn't doing it to hurt me, and so I suppressed my own feelings and felt I HAD to mKe sure she had NO idea how badly I was affected by what she was bringing up.

Inside I had been thinking 'this can't be happening this can't be happening' but I had to hide it was affecting me, no matter what. And I was just wanting it to STOP but she keep talking about it ....

I'm glad I told her. I'm afraid of her response - the child part in me is. The adult part knows she will be so GLAD I managed to tell her and I know she had no idea and she will do all she can to not bring up something really hard at the end...

But I'm still really scared - I feel both scared she will be mad, or blame me, and I also feel so guilty because I know she didn't mean it and I really really don't want her to feel really bad for how bad it affected me....

(Yep I'm pretty sure this is how it was with my mother - I cannot remember specific incidents, I just KNOW).

How brave. I think your T may feel very privileged you are sharing this with her.

Aww thank you for those kinds words Elsewhere.

I'd put in my emails to her 'no need to reply' but she did anyway today, which was totally unexpected and pretty awesome

She didn't mention the big reason I emailed her (which was good actually). She just reaffirmed that despite my rough week with a lot of challenges (major emergency at work where I had to call for an ambulance; very sick dog and large vet bill, terminating with my old caseworker cos she let me down once too many times; AND phoning her boss to give a verbal complaint ) she was really pleased I have had a good week and hopefully we can talk about the triggers tomorrow.

I emailed her back thanking her for replying - I said it helps.

Bit nervous seeing her tomorrow because when I'm in touch with the triggers that set me off 2 weeks ago, I start having flashbacks from childhood

Hi Frustrated - I definitely do NOT have BPD.

(Sorry, hit a bit of a raw nerve with that one - it's not personal )

I was misdiagnosed aged 18. I can't talk much about it as it was very traumatic in how I was treated as a result (20years ago Women with BPD were assumed to be attention seeking, manipulative and any distress I communicated was not only seen as that, but I was treated like it too - it was very very damaging)

My actual diagnosis is PTSD.

70% of people with so called BPD actually have a form of PTSD - "controversially" referred to by some as CPTSD.

I cannot do CBT / DBT / mindfulness or anything like it as I am too traumatised and need to work through my trauma first. Any of those techniques leave me very dissociated and feeling incredibly invalidated. It does more harm than good.

(I can't even say the M word or hear it without a major physical, mental and emotional reaction - much the same as the BPD words).

Thank you for trying to help though - I do appreciate you taking your time to reply