One of the things I've noticed since I joined this forum is that I find it difficult to start my own topics but don't have so much of an issue responding to other people's and sharing in there - I don't know exactly what that's all about. Possibly it's to do with vulnerable feelings, fear of putting my self out there. Maybe it's also to do with internal pressure I place on myself to be healed already, when really we are all works in progress. I think finally it's to do with a smidgeon of not feeling worthy of care.

So I thought I'd have a go at posting about how therapy went since it was a pretty full-on session, which funnily enough was all about care and I would appreciate any responses people have - it doesn't matter what they are. They could be insights, or sharing if you've ever wrestled with something similar. Or even a gut feeling the post gave you. I'm kind of at sea with a lot of this still!

T suggested we review how we've been doing, which is what we do periodically and generally it works well. I wasn't expecting her to suggest that but it probably was about time, in hindsight. Without really knowing it was going to happen we got into talking about our relationship on a much more deep and fundamental level. A while back I revealed to my T that I was struggling with some very powerful feelings towards her; the first was that I was feeling as if I needed to be looked after by her and the second was a similarly intensely powerful sense of distrust.

I absolutely suck at revealing feelings without having first done some processing - it's a control thing - so I was aware that this was related to my experience of being cared for as a young child and presented it to her in that light. Without going into loads of detail, I know that I received inconsistent care and was often blamed and made to feel emotionally responsible for my parents, my mother in particular. I identify as having developed an ambivalent or disorganised attachment style, as a result, which has played havoc with my adult relationships! Being able to trust that my T can provide the assistance I need in a consistent way without turning into a furious, blaming whirlwind is massive - and something I am finding very hard to shift. I keep poking at it but it absolutely will not budge, which makes it very hard for me to begin talking in depth about some of the things I have labelled "the difficult stuff" and thus far have not touched!

We kind of played around with what role I've assigned her and she picked up and I agreed that I have kind of placed her in the category of 'wise elder' but that I really play down care in that role. It's okay and safe for me to work through my stuff with her in that context, for me to collaborate with her and get access to her expertise. But I hold her at arm's length and I consciously and unconsciously reject care that appears more maternal in nature. We kind of rolled some of that around and I told her we need a set number of times per session she was allowed to use the M word.

There was a moment of clarity where she welled up in response to the realisation of the the extent to which I have not allowed her to care. I'm still not sure what to do with that. I know that it's true - my go to default is to sort everything out on my own and if I need help, I get that help on my terms. I felt the sadness too but in a weird second hand way, as if it was happening to someone else. It is sad that my ambivalence to feeling care from attachment figures is such that I cannot stand having it near me in case it turns into blame and anger and it hurts me. I cannot seem to get out from behind my self-imposed barriers to really feel that though. I couldn't really feel her care. I don't really believe in it.

Talking about it was immensely difficult and overwhelming. I started to dissociate once but caught it before it got too intense. Right now I think I am stuck sort of half in one old pattern, while trying to apply a new one and sort of flailing around like a tortoise on its back trying to figure out how to make the new pattern function without getting flooded with a deluge of fear, revulsion, shame and guilt.

My adult self thinks the session was probably very useful and another inch forward to bringing some of this immensely fraught and emotionally laden stuff out into the open. Other bits of me are screaming at me that I have to be utterly bonkers to be handing over the keys to the safe and this is going to end extremely badly.

The wonderful end to all of this is that last night I had an extremely vivid dream about my T, which has completely thrown me for a loop. I'll write about that later though.