quote:

I want to have had someone show up and have protected me almost as much as I want someone to take care of me now.

((((AG)))) i did not suffer the atrocities that you did, but this quote speaks volumes to me, as i'm sure it does to many. i just want you to know that your pain is heard and it is valid, and you are brave beyond words for facing it. gentle and sincere hugs

(((AG)))
I'm glad your T is there for you and that you know that you are doing good work (both beliefs that I struggle to hold on to).

AG, sweetie. I absolutely hear your pain and it's very valid pain. You have been through hell and are very, very bravely facing some of the most difficult issues any of us have to face. Your courage actually astounds me and inspires me. I'm sure your wonderful T feels the same way. He would always be there because he cares so much about you and values you. And you may be astounded at what you say to T but I'm sure he's just been patiently waiting for you to say those things and dig into them so you can process them and let it go. Unfortunately, the pain may feel like it's killing you before you find that peaceful place again.

I'm so sorry you were not protected as a child. You should have been protected and cherished. I pity your dad because he never got to experience the wonderful person you are. He lost out on so much by always making it about him and not knowing the caring, loving, smart, funny, brave person that was his daughter. Luckily for me (and BN) we got to know her and love her.

If I can do anything to make this easier please just ask.



TN

((AG))

I'm so sorry this stuff is coming up that's just awful to hear and I'm sending my good thoughts and heart out to you.

I'm also glad your T is there and I truly wish you did have someone growing up to protect you - its unspeakable to be alone through these sorts of things.

It's okay to be cryptic, sometimes it has to be that way because dealing with it is much too hard. Shame is too hard. Please check in with your T if you can - just to ground and be reminded he is there... that helps me sometimes, as hard as it is to do. She's like a sand bag for my shame balloon, and your T can help attend to you, as I, and we can... I'm glad you posted. Support will be here when you look up, too.

I hear you and all I am compelled to reply with is very sincere love and support (and a healthy hateful rage for your father, and the desire to slay dragons so that you don't have to deal with this bull**** because I do know this stuff cruel to work through - anyway... fwiw... bonus feelings that come with my total love and support package) . I wish I could give you a great big hug... then put my helmet on and go back in to the trenches with you. I'm so sorry for the evil that came crashing in to your very innocent self and that you were unprotected. You're heard this time, and hope you find yourself met... I think your T is doing that, and reaching it out doing that, too.

I hear you AG. I hope all of your hard work leads to some serious healing and forgiveness (of yourself). You are so courageous, and with such a remarkable T, Ive no doubt that you will be so much stronger on the other side of this thing.
Unlike you, I have given up therapy. I teach parenting classes to young women at a crisis pregnancy center, and one of the classes is about child molestation. I have seen it several times before, and have dealt with the triggers, but this last time...new memories, things said and done, resurfaced. Words said to trick me, candy to entice

...what do we do without a T? Bring it to God, I guess. Feel the devastation and move on.
I wish you more strength and courage. May you find a deeper love for yourself on the other side.

(((CD))) (((Cogs))) (((TN))) (((Cat))) Thank you so much for replying so swiftly and so generouly, I am literally crying in gratitude. It helps more than I can say to be met with so much compassion and understanding, not to mention the recognition of just how wrong what happened to me was (I often discount the severity so hearing other people react helps me to keep a perspective on just why healing is such a slog.

CD, thank you for the hugs, there is a really deep longing to be held right now.

Cogs, it is so generous of you to be glad that I have something you have been working so hard to have. I really do believe you'll get there, but hope it is much sooner than later.

TN, thank you for saying such generous things about me (you're a tad biased, but I'll take it). And BN's relief is almost palpable, I can't imagine the self-control it takes to see something for seven years and have to wait for me to see it. I am truly blessed in both my friends and my therapist.

Cat, I love your willingness to gallop out and do battle for me, it reminds me that in truth, I deserved the protection that I did not get. And I LOVED "she's the sandbag for my balloon of shame." You've given me an awesome visual metaphor. I did email last Thursday after our session and heard back on Friday. I am seeing him again on Thursday afternoon, but promise I'll call before then if I need to.

Thank you all again, what an amazing gift to speak and be heard.

's to all,

love, AG

(((Mayo))) Sorry we cross-posted, thank you for using one of your rare posts to comfort me. I am sorry that you have given up on therapy (although I understand and respect your choice) but you have my deep admiration for finding your way through your faith and helping others, no small accomplishment. I hope you find a way to deal with things as they surface. Thank you for your belief in me and encouragement. xx AG

AG you speak of things I unfortunately know all too well. I am so sorry you are having to feel and experience things nobody should ever have to. You have and had a right to be protected, loved and cherished. I am so glad you can find that with BN and your friends here.
Hugs hugs and love xxx

(((GE))) I know all too well how clearly you understand this pain. I am as grateful for your understanding as I am sad about how you gained that understanding. We both deserved better. It is amazing how healing it really is to have people come alongside me and care about me through this and HEAR me, all the things I didn't have. What a gift to have them now. Thank you for forging such understanding and compassion out of the evil that was done to you. xx AG

AG, you are amazing to me in so many, many ways. I am sorry you were betrayed and violated in your most tender years, and now that you are finally giving the memories a voice that they deserve, he is not here to shout at. But I am so glad that your T is still constant and patient like he always has been before, and I hope you find the strength to continue the work, as a sacred healing gift to yourself. Thank you for honoring us by sharing your struggles here with us.

((((AG)))) x

{{{AG}}}

I'm so sorry it is so tough right now. I can only echo everything that has been said. You are incredibly brave. I am just sorry that going a layer deeper is so desperately painful. I am glad your BN is with you ever step of the way.

AG: I began reading your post but had to stop due to the rawness of the feelings. I know that kind of immense pain, the kind that takes your breath away.

Words seem inadequate, yet, it is comforting that you have a T who can help you walk through this.

T.

AG

((AG)) I'm sorry your going through such a rough time right now.

Thinking of you,

Jillann

Madhatter,
Thank you so much. It’s been really good to see you posting again and to know you’re seeing a new T, its very brave of you. Thanks for understanding and evidently dad not being here, does NOT stop me shouting at him. And I so appreciate it having a safe place to be vulnerable. My instinct is always to go to ground, and I have been able to learn differently here.

(((Lucy))) thank you

((Hollow)) Never say never! I actually drove to my session before last, literally saying out loud all the way down “I am NOT going to talk about that, no way, I cannot say it” only to walk into my T’s office and talk about it. My T and I have been a long time building this relationship but I find it seriously astounding to experience the depth of trust I have in him. Makes it possible to do a lot of things I used to think were impossible. Thank you for your kindness.

((Mallard)) Thank you. I’m glad that BN is with me every step of the way too. Quite extraordinary actually.

(((SP))) You said something and said it really well. Knowing that people can hear me and care about my pain is invaluable. Thanks for responding despite not knowing what to say.

((TAS)) Thanks for answering despite being triggered. I’m sorry that you understand this, but appreciate you reaching out from the midst of that pain.

(((Draggers))) Thanks Shimmerwings for always, always being there.

(((Pingles))) Thank you so much.

(((Jillann))) I so appreciate your responding and holding me in your thoughts. Thank you.

Monte,
I know you deeply understand those desires, having struggled so valiantly with finding a solution. I am glad you asked this question because it reminded me that my T does manage it at times. He goes back with me when I re-experience the traumatic memories so that this time I am not alone. I recently went back to the moment in which I was totally enraged at my father and what he was doing to me, but too terrified to express it in any way. My T stayed with me and in that crucial moment, helped me see that now I could speak for myself and express that rage. I felt what it was like to not have to face that situation alone. So I think there is a way. It’s not perfect, but can be very effective. But its very hard and painful to get to. Thank you Monte, I always appreciate your thoughtful and insightful replies.

Thanks to everyone again. I am feeling much more stable this morning and contained, in no small measure because of the care and understanding here.

AG

AG, you are one incredible person. You might believe yourself not to be, but to me you are fearless. You are doing things that are so incredibly difficult. It may have taken you awhile to get here but you are doing it and to me that is fearless. You keep preserving. You are such an inspiration to me. Thank you for being you.

I mean't perservering. Crazy auto-correct.

(((AG))) I don't really know what to say, because what you're writing about has been the main content of many sessions for the past couple of months. I can't bring myself to post about it without triggering massive self-loathing and projecting it at the nearest...million people.

It's amazing to find how deep the shame runs and how much of my ability to connect (with others and my own existence, my right to even be) it has corrupted. It all has a feeling of barely scratching the surface, and right now the best I can do is suspend judgement and denial and exist in it for a few seconds. I guess this is mostly just, I'm sorry for the pain of what happened, but glad T is by your side to finally face it, because I know how much that means and what a gift it is to have a safe person after so much unsafety.

(((Becca))) Thank you for the gift of how you see me, it was very lovely to hear. But I'm not sure autocorrect wasn't spot on, at my age I can use all the preserving I can get.

((Monte)),
Finding that feeling switch and getting it to switch to 'on' is really difficult and painful, which is why I admire so much how hard you are working to get there. Forgive me if I was insensitive. Would it be presumptuous of me to share a couple of strategies? (stole these from an old post of mine.)

There are two things I found really helpful. The first was to stop filtering (much, much, much easier said than done). At some point, I realized that before I would express a feeling, I would actually decide whether the feeling was appropriate. I thought there was a right and wrong to feelings and if I decided the feeling was "wrong" then I would push it away. But what I learned is that feelings just are. They're information. I was being driven really hard by the feelings I wasn't admitting to. The other thing I learned is that feelings aren't always rational. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be heard. So I tried to stop filtering and no matter how crazy or "wrong" it sounded, I just said what I was feeling. I just committed to not thinking about it but just saying it. But frankly it could feel like face-diving off a cliff.

But the other important piece for me was going down into my body (I stay up in my head a lot). We experience our feelings in our bodies. We say something is visceral based on the latin word viscera which literally means "guts" or intestines. So when I couldn't figure out what I was feeling, I paid attention to my body. Sometimes I would just describe what I felt in my muscles, in my chest, in my gut and let my T help me name what I was feeling. There are times he will sometimes point out things to me (I had a session where he interrupted me to point out my voice was cracking and what was going on?). It can be slow painstaking work, not least because at some point we learned that expressing our feelings made bad things happen (for myself, it often led to abandonment) so you have walk through the fear to do this. But the more you do it, and experience your Ts acceptance, the less scary it will become.(again, easier said than done).

Forgive me if I'm telling you something you already know, just wanted to offer this in case it could help. FWIW, I have seen so much growth in you over the time I have known you and am often very moved by your insights.

(((Yaku))) I haven't had a chance to say, but it's really nice to have you using your name again (I never stopped using it in my head so thank also because this is easier for me. ) I totally agree about the shame and its corrupting effect. Part of the terrible hurt and anger is realizing that none of this shame should really be mine, yet it dictates so much. You're right, it really is a gift to have someone stand firm and accepting in the face of that shame.

T keeps reminding me that feelings in our bodies never lie. Our head gets confused and feelings can be confusing but the body never lies. That's hard to remember, though, when you're in the thick of things...

Thank for this post, AG.

The Kid

((AG))

It sounds like your T and you are doing some somatic work (many Ts track body feelings, etc and sometimes other visualization techniques clear and calm the body).

When you can handle it... perhaps a weekly pedicure can ground you, let you know that your body is safe.

As working somatically so much, and having such a hard time being "in there" it's so reassuring. Sometimes when I'm in an "unsafe" or scary part of my body.. my T will sometimes ask me if there is any part that feels okay... (usually the tip of my nose, or my pinky or something, or I've established a 'safe part' in the past that I usually go back to). And we get it to 'talk' to my upset part (basically imagine a merger). It's hard to explain and I hope I'm not triggering you going in to it.

But, I did want to say as scary as it is... this work is worth it. I wish your T was SE trained, but the things my primary T can do are very similar.

((TK)) Fantastic way to put it, that the body never lies. In my experience that is true, especially since so many of my memories are embodied ones rather than events. Thank you for the reminder.

(((Cat))) I never thought of it that way, as doing somatic processing (which involves NO touch, damnit! ) but you're right. Loved the idea of the pedicure, as my T has been telling me to look for opportunities to enjoy being in my body. I realized that I avoid being in my body so much that only the really painful stuff tends to get my attention, so that I am reinforcing this by only having bad experiences in my body. He told me doing anything that I would enjoy and paying attention to my body would help... of course, that brought up a whole 'nother set of problems. Isn't therapy fun?

I also like the idea of concentrating on another body part, I have used that technique while in the dentist's chair and found it very effective. After all this time, I finally realized that dentist chairs are REALLY comfortable, just never noticed because my focus was always pinpointed on the drilling.

Thanks for the insight.

xx AG

quote:

but they are slippery little suckers.

All I can say is "Amen, sister!"

What changes between the time you are in your T's office and three hours later when you're alone?

Hi AG,

I just wanted to lend my support. I too have worked minimally on body issues and sexuality. For me, it generated all kinds of significant feelings about myself (all negative) that I didn't know I had and they were incredibly hard to access and continue to work on.

I just wanted to send hugs your way that you are doing this work and reaching out for support. You really are SO brave.

Many, many, hugs.

(((Monte))) I'm sorry, I get that deep-down, encoded into your cells belief that it is only when you are alone that it is safe to have feelings. I have no doubt you will find a way through, but hope it's shorter rather than (any!) longer.

((DBS))

quote:

they were incredibly hard to access and continue to work on.

That describes it perfectly!! The hardest part is that I am leaving BN's office and just dissociating the session, so its a struggle to process in between sessions, which for me is often a very important part of the work. This is NOT going to be a fast process. (Who am I fooling, when is it ever? But I think this is going to be extra slow). But it is moving and I am grateful for that since it took so long to get here. Thank you so much for the encouragement.

AG