Forlorn, I'm so sorry for your pain. You sound so lonely.

I wish I had something to offer you. I'm sorry that I don't. Please know that we hear you. Keep talking if you can. We're here.

(((Forlorn)))

agent

((((((((((((((((Forlorn))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry to hear your T is reacting so badly...Forlorn, I know this is SO hard to believe right now where you are at, but it really sounds like there is something going wrong on HER end. And it is NOT because of anything you've said or done, and it is NOT because of who you are...she is reacting from some damaged place inside herself that isn't healed yet.

I would be reading everything the same way you are...I went through something very similar, with my former T...and please believe me, I really DO know how much it hurts, it's awful to love and trust and to have that seemingly accepted at first, and then to have it apparently so painfully rejected. Especially when it is a T, it seems. Because looking back, I had this expectation that because I was paying them, I was guaranteed not to be rejected! It seemed like a reasonable expectation, at the time...and that is the way it should be. So under those circumstances, the rejection seemed even worse than normal...like "I can't even pay someone to help me". But, over a year later, I realize that rejection came from some limitation within him that I could not possibly have known about (and I don't think he could have predicted it either). I believe he didn't know how to help me, but it was too painful for him to admit it. So he reacted in a way that seemed to blame me (which looked and felt exactly like the rejection I described earlier). From what you have said, I believe the same is true in your T's case. Not that you are too "bad" to be helped...just that she doesn't have the experience or the skill to help with whatever it is you need help with. AND she doesn't have the ability to admit it or ask for help.

I am so sorry, Forlorn. It hurts like crazy to be let down like this. It hurts so much to even think about starting over...but I will also tell you, with the right T, it is infinitely worth it. Therapy is a lot of work, it is hard...but there is such a thing as the wrong kind of hard. I think that is what you are experiencing. It is like with my former T I was straining to get somewhere, but was loaded down with invisible rocks and was trying to walk on slippery ice. Having the right T removed those rocks, and suddenly gave me traction, too...so a fraction of my former efforts actually gets me somewhere now!

But the in-between part, the part you are in right now...oh, Forlorn. SO SO hard. I am so sorry. Please accept the biggest virtual hug I can possibly manage.

You sound so sweet and earnest in what you are trying to do in your therapy! That is exactly what a T should be looking for in a patient. It is hard for me to imagine a T NOT wanting to work with you!! I know it's so hard to think about...but as this T actually seems to be harming you now...is there any way you could try looking for another T to talk to? They can help you work through the feelings of having to terminate with your current T, as well as work on what you need from therapy besides that.

Please keep talking...keep updating and moving forward and let us know how it goes...we're listening, and we care.

Hugs,
SG

(((Forlorn)))

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much. I can't offer you a whole lot of comfort, but I can say from my own experience that you need to get this straightened out or get out of there. I have been reading your posts and you just keep sounding like your pain is getting harder and harder to bear. I've been there myself, and it's so not worth it. I had to keep confronting my T with my pain and it was really hard to do. I finally wrote her a five page letter telling her my feelings because I am terrible at expressing such things verbally and I think since that was the third letter, she finally realized that I was seriously hurting and what she was doing wasn't working and was harming me. That was when things finally changed for the 'better' (I think they're better, but time will tell), but it has been a long, hard road.

Sometimes I think I should have taken others' advice and found another T a long time ago. My attachment to my T is unfortunately very strong, like yours. That makes it so hard, I know. But sometimes for our own good we really need to seek help from a T that can actually HELP us with our issues and not just cause us more pain and confusion, and that is what it sounds like you are getting from your current T. I know the feelings, and they are nothing to have to live with day in and day out. Of course it's ultimately up to you what you choose.

You have had some good advice from the others that have posted to you, and I hope you get more supportive advice still. Hang in there, Forlorn. I know your pain and just wanted to say that you are a good person who is hurting and needing love and acceptance, and those things are normal and healthy things to need and want. I agree with SG that your T just doesn't sound able to give those things because she has her own issues. It's not you. Please don't make this about you, because it's SO NOT about you!! We are in therapy to find help and healing from these things, and sometimes it takes going through several Ts before we find 'the one' that can really help us do the work we need to do to heal our wounds and find the happiness and peace we so deserve in life. Please take care of yourself Forlorn.

MTF

forlorn, sis, i just read this. i don't know what is up? i sense t is ending with your t?? sis, i don't quite know what is going on with you, but this hurting yourself stuff is NOT going to get you where you want to go. i hurt for you, i hear your pain, i hear you crying out, and i don't know the details, but life will go on.

you know how lost i have been and you have been particularly caring to me, and you are a good and valuable person.

i know that 'change' in people, especially people you trust...the loss i suspect you are feeling. people that we blasted PAY to care!! i know when i look at the money i gave that lousy t3, and she booted me, the sound of her voice changing from being the one i thought cared and that i NEEDED. but, you know, it was, i now see, for the best. and perhaps this will be too.

i am doing that dbt therapy, and it is for people who hurt themselves, and i recommend it. i am surprised that i like what i thought would be a dry process, but really, and it may be that this gal is good, but, there is alot of stuff in dbt that is helping me. might i suggest that for you? if you need help finding a dbt t, pm me i will help you find one in your area.

breathe deeply, forlorn. breathe through this desire to hurt yourself. just let things slow down....hugs, sis. jill

Forlorn, I'm sorry that you are having a hard time and you feel your T is not helping you but making it worse for you. What others have said may be true. It could be her problem. I don't know how long you have been with her. Have you tried writing her a letter or e-mailing her telling her how you feel? take care of yourself.

PG

Dear forlorn,

I am sorry for how difficult things are for you in T right now. (((((Forlorn))))I just wanted to say that, it's possibly quite clear to a lot of people on here that I should find another T...since I have experienced the same exact feeling you are expressing in this post...but I am not convinced...I was wondering, if your T has expressed in words that she *does* still care for you, though you are in this spot of feeling that she doesn't care? My T has insisted over and over to me that he cares, wants to provide closeness, etc...in spite of that I am constatnly convinced that he is frustrated, doesn't understand, doesn't care enough to try to understand and etc...is angry with me, wnats to be rid of me...very painful to feel, I know. I don't want to say anything that is bad advice to you, because I don't know a lot of the details of your story...how is she treating you, what is she saying specifically that makes you feel she is frustrated and doesn't care...stuff like that. gosh i don't wnat to trigger you by asking. Finding a new T may very well be the best course of action for you. But in my own case, I know for myself, I would react to any other T the same way, with feeling rejected and unseen, unheard, and so on...just the nature of therapy, for me, and for myself at least "the issue" that I must work through, to grow. So I am reluctant to go elsewhere. So I just wanted to throw that out there...as a *possibility* that for some reason you aren't able to feel her care? Even when she does? Is that a possibility? If I am totally off base, please just completely ignore this post...because lots of others have seemed to think differently, and I myself would tend to trust their judgemnet more than my own. These are just thoughts...based on my own expereinces, so may be very wrong...

But, please be kind to yourself...even if your T is not the right one, it doesn't mean that you deserve to suffer...it wouldn't be your fault.

Many hugs, please let us know how you are doing...

BB

Oh Forlorn, you’re in such a painful and bewildering place right now. It does sound as if your T is having some issues of her own - though despite that I’d still encourage you to try and lay out to her exactly how you are feeling. I get the sense that she’s taking it personally and being defensive about what she seems to be perceiving as ‘accusations’ about her. What she SHOULD be doing is going into your feelings and letting you express how you see things in therapy - but she seems to be opposing what you are saying as if you’re ‘wrong’ and thereby invalidating you.

Do you think you’d be able to really talk to her about this, hold your own ground and maybe even point out to her that whether what you perceive about her is ‘correct’ or not, that it’s still how you feel and you need her to take it seriously and not automatically oppose you?

It sounds like you’re reaching a make or break point - if she’s a T worth your staying invested in her, then she’ll be able to hear you and help you resolve what’s going on. If not, then at least you’ll know and will be in a stronger emotional position to make decisions about where you need to go with therapy.

Not so long ago I would have believed that all one needs to do in therapy is keep going, keep pushing, keep trying to say all these negative things that keep coming up based on the blind faith that a T is there to take it. These days I’m too aware that an awful lot of Ts aren’t that strong or together, and you’ve always got to have a caveat in your head that in fact some at least of the negative stuff really is happening. (Look no further than SG’s experiences with her T in post above!)

Forlorn I really hope you can find a resolution to what’s going wrong in your therapy soon - in the meantime you’ve got my support

LL

I think I go with blackbird on this one, I too feel my T does not care and read every gesture and comment as proof of this and it frustrated her no end, but it is actually MY stuff, i am not used to being cared for, I am not used to it and so I push it away and get angry without even realising it. Ask your T if she does care or think about how she has stuck in there with you.
It could be that like me, you want REAL CARE adn LOVE and I just want so MUCH care so it is nice having her care but actually a part of me is also angry that I don't have MORE care and kindness. so she can't win at this stage

Forlon...I've got not good advice or anything even remotely helpful other than I am thinking about you and hoping you are feeling better about things. ((((((hugs))))) Hals

Hi everyone.

Things have been so super crazy and busy with me lately that I have not been able to screw my head on right. I am so sorry for not posting something sooner, but was out of town and trying to settle into my new life.

I just wanted to take a moment to respond to everyone’s posts.

Agent- I am lonely, but more importantly, I’m going through a MAJOR life changing move. And T knows this. So it’s doubly hard that she seems to be not as supportive as I need her too be now. Or maybe, my sensitivities are heightened. Idk. Thank you for being here. I can’t really feel much besides pain and withdrawn at the moment.

SG- I’m sorry you’ve been through this pain before. Yes, I am feeling upset about the fact that she is paid to be non-judging, non-frustrated, toward me and she can’t even do what she is paid to do. WTH??? Seriously, she said she can’t talk in monotones without any emotions. I never asked that but I know people who work in customer service jobs daily and they must smile and nod and pretend the customer is always right and so on. At least I should expect the same as I am a paying customer! If I went anywhere and the service was crappy I’d be able to complain about it. But she acts as though she has a right to a crappy attitude and I have to pay for it and take it all while smiling. And what sucks is that I probably reinforce that behavior by being so attached and “needing” her so much. I stand to lose more emotionally by walking away than I would at any retail place or such. This is where that imbalance of power comes into play.

quote:

“AND she doesn't have the ability to admit it or ask for help.”

I agree. And I think she just wants me to stop all this nonsense and be a good client that doesn’t make it so hard on her.

Thanks for calling me sweet SG, though I have to tell ya, today I don’t feel very. Today I am angered. Still hurt, but getting upset that I have to tangle with this sort of thing. Cripes!

Draggers- your hugs aren’t measly. In fact, your words are always very warm. Especially since I know you’re going through a messy situation too. Honestly from where I am right now, I wouldn’t know how to begin again with someone new.


MTF- Thanks for understanding me. I think after the last session where I lost it and started sobbing something about never meaning to upset her with my words and leaded up to me hyperventilating when she abruptly said “well, our time is up, have a nice trip” (but not in a nice way) and I realized that we had no appointment scheduled after that one. I figured that’s it she’s getting rid of me just like that, maybe she hopes I’d die on my trip and she wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. I figured she would see (literally) my pain and not need a letter to understand. I figured she grew tired of my letters and of me writing things though anyway. She just keeps saying “talk” now.

My attachment is too strong. That’s the biggest problem. This hurts way too much. And she has nothing to lose while I’ll very well lose my sanity if I can’t get to a better place soon. I really do what her to realize my hurt and acknowledge her role and work WITH me to repair it instead of me feeling lost and like she’s fighting against me so much.

Jill- I feel like I’m on a train and I’ve got 3 choices: 1. Stay on at the current speed and wreak, 2. try to save myself and jump off and break something in the fall, or 3. talk to the conductor (T) and hope she slows down or stops the train safely.

I like choice 3, but it seems choice 2 may be what happens.

quote:

“the sound of her voice changing from being the one i thought cared”

YES! Exactly! What is with the change on tone of voice? And suddenly we are crazy and imagining it. It is NOT imagined. Her demeanor and voice changed. Why is she making this my fault? I just want to yell at her, “Go talk to someone about your counter-transference and STOP taking it out on me!” Gosh! I don’t friggin deserve it. I am not trying to push her, I am struggling. Isn’t this supposed to be about me? If I were struggling in my job, I wouldn’t blame my customers, I’d look at myself. Well where is her self-insight. Why is she so blinded by her faults? How could she have misled me, so sweet and nice in the beginning to now this?!

Sorry sis, needing to rant apparently.

I think we did dbt in group therapy and I’m not sure how I feel about it since I hate group therapy. too formal and structured, (but probably actually what I need)

PG- Thanks. I have tried telling her verbally since she seems to keep urging me to talk. I’ve been with her for 9 months now. It somehow seems too soon to have these issues. Idk


BB- Thank you. I haven’t asked her if she does still care for fear of hearing her stall or even answer no. You’re not off base. I worry with being too attached to any other T too and I fear that I’m destined to complete this cycle over and again. I can’t think she cares because of how I feel about myself, but I do seriously think that my lack of confidence in her words makes her feel like she should just stop caring since I won’t believe it anyway.

LL- Yes, I agree with you. Though it’s painful to have to deal with her being this way.

quote:

What she SHOULD be doing is going into your feelings and letting you express how you see things in therapy - but she seems to be opposing what you are saying as if you’re ‘wrong’ and thereby invalidating you.

Yes, LL, I am wondering where this has gone from being about me and my thoughts and feelings to being about not upsetting her or doing something wrong.
Thank you for your support. I really don’t know how well I’m going to make it through this actually.

Sheychen- Again I am so sorry about what has happened with your T and therapy. Take care of yourself.

Ultraviolet- I tell her that I think she gets mad at me and she says that isn’t true but then I sense her get mad that I felt the need to ask her that yet again. I can’t see how she finds anything about me redeeming. I have changed so much and shown her such an ugly side of myself.

Hals- Thank you. And your thoughts are very helpful.