Driving to session today I started thinking about the season change. I love fall. But its always ruined for me b/c I always spiral downward at this time every single year. My depression tanks and I start feeling anxious and sick and I can't eat.
I suddenly realized just today that it happens at this same exact time without fail every single year. And every single year I struggle with the same thing - losing weight, severe depression, anxiety. I talked to my T about it. Since I have seen her on and off for quite a long time, but not consistently, she hand't picked up on this pattern and she said it was very important. We started talking about triggers. She made me think of some things that had happened around this time in my past and I told her about a few different things that I had gone through. Its so funny how I am always shocked when she tells me that what I am describing to her is a severe trauma to have gone through. I never looked at it like "trauma". That word seems so big to me. So severe. I guess I have always felt that I was making a bigger deal of out of things than they really were. Like I needed to just get over it and move on. Almost like I wasn't worthy of feeling the real pain that it caused and that I should just be strong enough to push through. I started explaining to her how I can only remember bits and pieces of some things but I can't put them all together and it drives me nuts b/c they play over and over in my head. She says I need to try and piece it all together. She actually wants me to try and talk to my Mom about it to see if she can help me piece it together. Yeah right...she can't remember what happened yesterday let alone several alcohol soaked years ago. Besides, she would probably look at me like I was absolutley nutball crazy if I started asking her about the things (I can't call them truamas for some reason) that I can't piece together. So I don't really know how to piece it all together otherwise. Anyhow, my T acutally said that she thinks I need to go to a trauma rehabilitation center that is out of state. Not a chance in hell right now b/c I have two young kiddies and I couldn't go that far for that long. But it completely blow my mind that she even suggests that I need this sort of thing. I guess I am still stuck in my childlike mindframe of believing it is all no big deal b/c thats what they kept telling me and making me beleive. It's almost like I feel I am not worthy enough to say that what I went through was real trauma and that I have a right to process it and heal from it.
Overall session was good. T offered to come in on the weekends when my Hubby can take the kids and do like a four hour session in order to start processing the trauma. She knows it takes me a long time to get going in session so by the time I start getting into the nitty gritty of it, session is over and I am a crying mess trying to sit with my emotions out of control for the rest of the day and be ok. I feel so grateful that she offered this to me. Grateful and hopeful. And a little scared....the more we start talking about it, the more things I remember. But sometimes I wonder if they are real? I mean howcome I only remember little pieces?