(((Liese)))

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now and you are facing a money crisis. That makes everything harder. I can relate so much to how you feel about everything being the wrong decision with your children. I have three and I feel the same way most of the time. I used to feel that way all of the time but I've noticed that the last couple of months it is not constant.

I started Wellbutrin at the beginning of January and had a very difficult time for the first 4-6 weeks. My T and prescribing docter urged me to wait out the mood swings because it is not an unusual reaction to wellbutrin (have you read many people's stories?) It seems to smooth out for a lot of people by 6 or 8 weeks and it did for me. I hope things get a little easier for you soon and you can enjoy the overnight with your daughter.

Vent away.

(((((Incognito))))

That's interesting about the wellbutrin. It's only been about four or five weeks. Maybe I'll get some relief soon. Do you like it? I did lose a couple of pounds since I've been on it, which I understand is a possible side effect. I had gained weight and was sleeping too much on lexapro so I'm enjoying certain aspects of the wellbutrin. I could use as much help as I can get with the weight loss. The prescribing PA had told me to let him know if I suffered any ill side effects from the wellbutrin. I asked him what I should look for. He told me to call him if I feel especially jittery. I told him, well, that's great, at least my exterior will match my interior because that people tell me I'm laid back. He replied, "You, laid back? You're a ball of fire." Interesting the way different people see different things. I haven't read any of the stories about being on wellbutrin but I will definitely look for them.

The financial aspects are really hard and of course, I'm beating myself up for avoiding this course I'm supposed to be taking. We have about 4 months to live on and H says there is money coming in but I don't really think it's enough. If I could get a job, at least I'd know we won't lose the house and trash our credit any more than it's been trashed. But I keep avoiding the course and wish I could just get to my fears. On top of it, my oldest is finishing her last year of high school and she has worked really really hard. I'd love to be able to reward her by letting go to the college of her choice but I'm not sure that's a reality. I've already talked to her about our financial situation and she was incredibly graceful and accepting of it all.

I called T for support and asked him if he thinks the wellbutrin is torturing me and he said he thinks I've been tortured for a long time. That made me smile because now I really know he understands.

I'm glad to hear that you don't beat yourself up anymore re: your kids. I'm constantly thinking about my childhood and why I turned out the way I did and what didn't I get from my parents, who of course said my life was perfect and I was the only unhappy one. And, as I watch my kids relate, I see how hard it can be when they fight, and how uptight I get and when I feel our financial pressures, I can see how parents can and do fall short of giving their kids the security they need when under periods of stress. And, so I'm always making adjustments between how I had framed my childhood and what I think my kids need from me and how I feel about the parenting job I'm doing and how I feel about the job my parents did. And, I just don't want to feel so bad about myself ALL THE TIME. If I could just turn that noise off. What on earth is really so bad about me that I have to beat myself up all the time? I'm not an ax-murdered. I've never robbed a bank. There's plenty of bad things I've never done. The worst things I've done are to myself, really.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. It did really help. And, I'm going to try to enjoy myself camping with my girl.

DF, it can cause anxiety, but some also use it to reduce anxiety. And if it helps, I've been on WB for 6 years and my eating disorder still runs rampant. I'm sure it works for some (for ED stuff), but not me.

Liese, do you mind if I ask what your dosage of WB is? Do you think it's the Wellbutrin contributing or do you think that you may not be feeling enough of an effect from it?

I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. That harsh inner critic certainly can be torture. I hope you can enjoy camping with your daughter. Everyone needs a break. ((((Liese))))

DF and Kashley,

Thanks for the support. I'm on 300 mg. T thinks that it's not the wellbutrin but that I'm just letting myself feel more of my feelings and instead of shutting down like I would normally do. I'm actually going in there, trying to sort through the shit and make decisions. I can see now how many triggers I have ... just zillions ... and the kids trigger me all the time. Not intentionally ... but just the usual childhood stuff, getting rejected, weight issues, making friends, etc., you know, CHILDHOOD itself triggers me! LOL!!! There are some many time bombs out there waiting to explode. Having kids provides so much fodder for my issues that I literally was breaking down, trying to get away from it all.

So, that's a good thing, that I'm trying to deal with my shit.

Feeling better about the camping trip and the decision to go. Stopped beating myself up for going. Looking really forward to spending time with my 12 year old. She's so chatty with me now and I have to eat it up before she gets a little older and doesn't want me in her life.

And, yes, I have to talk to T about why I keep avoiding this course. If I got a job, it would help me so much feel in control of my life. It's a scary feeling, feeling like you can't support yourself.

Liese,

I can relate to much to what you wrote here. I too have that tape of "not good enough, you failed again" running in my head most of the time. I hope the time away with your daughter is helpful for you both.

As for the WB, I too am wondering what dose you are on and also if you are on generic who the manufacturer is? The reason I ask is that there seems to be wide variation in the effectiveness of the generics. However, WB does have (for some) a rough start up period and then tends to level out. I think it can take a full 6-8 weeks from what I've read. Have you had your dose adjusted at all? I'm on day 6 of WB XL 150mg and the first 5 days I felt awesome. No issues at all and no side effects at all. However, day 6 is proving to be a little more bumpy. I'm very emotional today and I was really tired this morning and not super motivated like I have been the previous 5 days. My point is that I think it can take a while and it can be a roller coaster while adjusting. I've read that switching manufacturers or taking brand (way too pricey for me) could also make a difference. Mine is made by Watson which is supposed to be one of the better generics from what I've read.

Liese,

We cross posted. From what I have read, WB tends to enhance emotion unlike other AD's which tend to numb it out. Perhaps that is part of what you are experiencing?

When I was on WB I would stand in the shower daily and cry for 10-15 minutes. I think I was holding so much pain inside that somehow the WB allowed me to access the emotions and actually cry. It was weird. Even my T seemed to wonder what was going on, but I've been numb on all other ADs, so I think it really was the WB. I had to go off of it because I was so jittery and anxious once I went to 300 mg. that I just couldn't stand it. And I couldn't sleep either, even on Ambien.

Good luck! I hope you get things figured out soon. Have a good time with your daughter.

MTF

Liese, I think what your T said about the WB is wise and definitely possible. Personally, WB helped control my emotions, but there was also a lot going on at the time (I also wasn't in therapy) I went on it and I think I also just shut everything off to deal with it. I'm so glad you're feeling better about the camping trip! That's fantastic and I hope you both have a great time.

Sorry for the mix-up DF, I wasn't sure if you meant that or not (I have also read that some people use it to treat EDs? I think) You're not twisted, DF. Full confession: I was disappointed when I didn't lose weight going on it, but at least I didn't gain. Trust me, I've done plenty of stuff that's messed up, so if you're twisted, then I'm twisted like a pretzel.

I think the drugs can affect everyone so differently.

I just quit the wellbutrin June 12th, took it since December.

I read you took Lexapro....I remember when I started Lexapro the P told me that I would stop worrying. Then he told me I would think I was a bad mom because I stopped worrying. So, he said, don't, it is just the meds. So, I'm wondering, did you feel the same way while on Lexapro? Lexapro didn't help me (almost thought it made me worse as far as deprssion).

Wellbutrin increased my anxiety and yes, I had the jitters, trembles, and physically shook (so much my daughter would ask me about it)....problem is, I was on more than one med, so I can't be sure what was the cause of what. I took Wellbutrin during the day and Symbyax at night and Topamax to "hopefully" stop the weight gain from the Symbyax (didn't work). One of the reasons I stopped my meds is because I couldn't think anymore....didn't want to....didn't want to talk much either....I could still cry if something bothered me enough, at home, but not in therapy. I really shut down in therapy (one of the main reasons I quit the meds). I told my P I went off my meds and he told me it will take at least 6 weeks or my brain to get back to non-med state, so I'll be re-evaluated then. But, 3 weeks after being off of it, I had motivation to clean again, and cook, and take care of the yard....the meds made me into a zombie and I hated it.

I have 4 kids, too. 8, 7, 5, turning 4. Now that I'm off meds I can't tolerate their bickering again.

I worry I'm not a good enough mom, and I seem to fight with H over parenting choices. But, I will say, this did seem to go away while on meds....I seemed to almost want to give up and not care about rules with the kids, if they cleaned their room, did chores, brushed their teeth....now I seem to care again and over care....so maybe in a few weeks you will notice the Wellbutrin will help you. Just write down your thoughts, emotions, and physical feelings so you can share it with the doc and see changes.

Hi Liese,
I hear your frustration and how everything is figuring in to the way you are feeling. Is it the meds, the kids, the possible financial issues, your weight, the course? Add to those issues your past. There is so much going on that how can you possible know the best to 'fix' it? I remember being where you are several months ago. What helped me was what my then therapist called Withdrawal and Recovery Dimensions. Each night. I've attached a sample week to show you how it works. I keep it on Google docs along with my journal so that no matter where I am I can write. Anyway with the Daily Dimensions you basically are recording the status of your emotions and the actions you are taking to help recover. On the w/d side, 1 is the lowest and is good, for example: no addictive urges and 5 is the highest meaning constant addictive urges. The Recovery side is the opposite. The higher the number the better. For example: looking at peer support, did you have a little maybe that's a 1 or 2. The point is that you can take action and improve things by working the recovery side. Program usage for me are things like journal writing, scripture reading, prayer, service, etc. This helped me get hold on all my swirling emotions so that I could see what to address first. I know this is a lot but maybe something like this can help. You can't climb the mountain all at one. You have to do it step by step. I have no doubt who you really are. Don't listen to the lies you've been hearing since you were little.

I realized I forgot to attach the document with the withdrawal and recovery dimensions.

Here's the file.

You guys gave me such much helpful information. It was all so great.

STRM, I am on 300 mg but don't know what manufacturer. It's definitely a generic. That's so interesting that who the drug is manufactured by can make a difference. I started out on 75 mg, 3x a day for a grand total of 225 mg. I then go the extended release tablet of 300 mg. The NP was worried that the 300 mg would be too much but it seemed as though the only other option would be to prescribe something to take twice a day and I find that to be a hassle. Just want to take it once and be done with it. I'm going to look into the manfacturer and see what I can find. Hope you are feeling better by now.

MTF, It's interesting that you echoed what STRM said about it making you more emotional. I've heard the once you adjust to the medication, the jitteryness can go away. I've always been anxious inside but hid it well. Most people tell me I'm really laid back and nothing bothers me. Fat joke. And, so the way I see it is that my exterior will finally match my interior. Maybe I will get more support. That would be nice.

Kashley, That's interesting that you think the WB helped control your emotions. But interesting that you weren't in therapy at the time. I saw T today and asked him, knowing the answer already, if I was talking faster. And he said yes. We both smiled. But there was also so much to say. I think I've tended to talk too slow and people can't relate to me so maybe it's a good thing that I'm talking faster.

Ninn, that's interesting that you feel more motivated again after going off the WB. I guess you will never know if it was the interaction of the drugs or not but at least you feel better now.

I think at first the Lexapro took away some of my anxiety and that it seemed as though it was helping. But I also suffered from one of the side effects, which is excessive tiredness. I was sleeping 10 hours a day and was still exhauted during the day. It was awful. I didn't realized it was the lexapro until I went to a sleep disorders clinic. My doctor wanted to have me evaluated for sleep apnea. I used to take the lexapro right before bed. And, so on the night I went to the sleep clinic, I took it before I left the house. It took the techs about an hour to hook me up to the machine and get me to bed. And, all of a sudden, I got this overwhelming feeling of tiredness and that's when I thought it had to be the lexapro. Normally, I would have been in bed already and wouldn't have made the connection.

Now I sleep nine hours or less. Much better.

Oh gosh, your kids are so young. Mind are very spread out. Almost 17, 12, 10 and 4. The 12 and 10 year olds really hate each other and I have a very hard time with them. But I can really empathise with you. It's so hard when they are that close in age AND as young as your kids are. Are you dealing with a lot of sibling rivalry?

Noble Daughter, I love the withdrawal and recovery dimensions chart. I am going to print that out and show it to my T. That's great. Thanks for telling me not to listen to the lies I was told as a kid.

BG, Thanks for the support and advice. My friend really wants to cheat on her husband but thankfully it didn't really become an issue. She just talked about it. And she offered me some cocktails but I politely told her I was fine.

The camping trip WAS hard. I decided to reframe it as a "challenge". There were two mothers there camping together. The one mother and I are friendly. The other mother and I have pushed each other's buttons in the past but our girls are friends so I'm trying to build a good relationship with her. She comes off as a wall of bricks, which immediately activates my "need for approval" issues. I had to force myself to stand back from those feelings and stop trying to be a pleaser.

My friends daughter who is 18 brought two friends. The night before I got there, one of the daughter's friends got really drunk and my friend was upset. Then on the night I got there, the other friend took off with a guy she met at the beach and no one knew where she was. And, so we were riding bikes around the campground at 1 a.m. looking for this girl.

My other "friend", the one who is a bit cold, her daughter's boyfriend was there and she let them sleep in the same tent together. The kids just finished 9th grade. Both moms were really worried at night about any and all of the kids sneaking out of the tents, drinking and having sex. I just don't know how it could have been relaxing for any of them. And least of all me, who so badly needed a break from stress and anxiety. I wanted so badly just to remove myself and go read a book. But I was really trying to be helpful and positive and build "good will" as I told my T. And, I only had one child to deal with instead of 4 for a little while, so that WAS a nice break.

The campground is on the ocean, which sounds beautiful and is beautiful but there is no shade anywhere and the sun was brutal.

So, I tried my best to tolerate all the negatives and told myself I did it for my daughter and for our relationship. BUT I am really glad it is over and that I am back home!!!