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16 replies

Itshardtosay

I itsstillhardtosayMember
Hello again.

I have been away a long time.

I was Itshardtosay, but forgot my password so I'm back in a slightly different form.

I have to say I've had the most hellish therapy experience. I wrote about it back in 2008 and 2009, I think. It finally went completely south and I was devastated. I still am.

Of course, I feel to blame. Even though she invited me to her house, to meet her same sex partner, to stay overnight, go and stay for Christmas, go in the hot tub with them...so much. too much and it completely screwed me up.

It has been a hellish year ...since last May when I tried to talk to another therapist about this and taht therapist told me I was too symptomatic, basically, to see her and that she planned to report this other T without my permission. I kind of lost it. I cried and freaked, and called the old T and told her. She cut me off permanently. If I couldn't agree that she had only done me good..and no harm, then "we can't ever be friends now."
The woman is a wacko. Has not done enough of her own work and I am left like this. One of the first things I told her was that I'd be too much for her. The second thing I said was 'don't you hurt me..." I've been hurt by health professionals enough.

A long story short...I am amazingly doing better than I would think I'd be. I am in the last stretch of a master's degree. I have found I need to work in a regular job only part-time because the stress of full time seems to be too much. I have a new therapist who I talk to long distance however, she is retiring next month.

I did decide not to report the old T...because I couldn't go through the stress of it and I still feel sort of tied to her. One doctor told me i had developed Stockholm syndrome. It has been kind of like that...I sided with someone who was rather abusive, even if she didn't intentionally mean to be, she did break professional boundaries knowing full well there was potential for something major to go wrong. She felt she needed to and that I needed it...and of course I wanted that, for sure...because I didn't know any better. This is a lot of blathering, but I am sitting here tonight feeling like I am in that old place of wanting to give up. I am not that old person who could not cope at all, but I do feel rather shaken in the core of who I am and I am not sure that I'll ever recover from it.

If this makes any sense to you, I hope you can understand just how dangerous crossing the line in therapy is, and that it can have and does have devastating effects on clients. I have no idea how she is...most likely it has affected her badly as well, but I guess I will never know for sure. I have fits and starts of anger still. It subsides and then comes up again. I have been doing a lot of EMDR with my new therapist and I believe it is taking the punch out of a lot of the worst moments in my memory.

So that's about it from me. And I am already feeling guilty that she might read this..and that is no way to live. I need to be able to talk about this to people who get it..who know how painful it can be and how wrong it is.

Even though this is/has been a pretty negative post, I still do have a semblance of a sense of humour. Every once in a while I have to watch Stop It with Bob Newhart. It has been posted on You Tube at

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw

It is still hardtosay.

P.S. Me again. I've been reading some of the other posts and titles of posts people have written......what is going on??? Is there an epidemic out there of boundariless harming therapists? What the hell?
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I itsstillhardtosayMember
Thanks so much for the welcome back Poppet! I was kind of feeling it last night...

Yeah, the good think here is I'm planning to move out of town after I finish school (in the summer) so I won't be living just a few streets away from her then. I did quit my job at the hospital where we both worked and that helped a lot. I'm teaching some part-time courses at the university I go to to pay the bills. I finally defend my thesis in June and then i will be all done.

Hope things are good with you?

IHTS
I itsstillhardtosayMember
Oh,Poppet...it's very good to hear you have a helpful therapist. I am happy to hear that. It is great to feel safe! Not so great to hear that things could be better at home though... I wish life could be pain free!!! But we do live in the real world. My parents are now 80 and very unwell..so I know that their time is limited and that I know will be another large challenge for me.

It is snowing a lot here today so cold outside, but I get to go to a new baby shower....to celebrate a new life and that will be very warm indeed.

Take good care,

IHTS
summersummerMember
Hi IHTS,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this pain due to your former Ts inability to keep the boundaries. I think you are doing amazingly well after such a devastating experience. Even as your "friend" your T had all the power and control in the relationship which makes this type of boundary violation so very painful. As Poppet said, you are a victim and you should never, ever blame yourself.

I know it's hard because I blamed myself for how my exP treated me even though he was the one who didn't keep the boundaries and betrayed my trust. I can understand the mixed emotions involved when it comes to reporting unethical behavior because I considered it with my exP. In the end, I didn't do anything and sometimes that's hard to live with, but I didn't have enough tangible proof of his harm, even though I've been in therapy for 4 years to overcome that 1 year with him.

I'm sorry the 2nd T put you in such an awkward position by saying she would report your former T even without your support. That seems unethical in terms of confidentiality? But then again, if she felt your former T was capable of harming others, I suppose she felt she had to report her. My exP was apparently seriously harming others and even when other professionals became aware of what he had done, they didn't report him and warn his current patients, including me.

Fear of lawsuits is the reason I was given and yet we go to these people to help us overcome our fears! Frowner

I'm sorry to rant about my experience. I was doing very well with my current P until recently and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm starting to feel as if he is pushing me away simply because he maintains good boundaries. He's not like my exP who would profess his feelings for me and imply that I was so special. Of course, in the end, I was hurt badly by all of this when I was terminated and discovered he was lying about his feelings.

I think there's a part of me that longs for my current P to be expressive like my exP and for it to be real this time. I suppose this happens to people who have had a previous T/P that didn't keep the boundaries?

IDK...but I do know that it's a long, hard process to overcome a boundary violation, so be patient with yourself and realize everything that you are feeling as a result of that relationship is valid, because you didn't do anything wrong at all.
I itsstillhardtosayMember
Hi Summer...good to talk with you!

I am so sorry and so shocked to hear all of the pain associated with boundary violations by therapists...Gee. It is infuriating. I can't count the number of dollars I've spent over the years, paid out that I couldn't really afford to people who harmed me. That being said, this is the real world, and no one is perfect, and in many instances therapists are still learning....but it really sucks to always end up hurt on top of hurt. Hurt relationally. Hurt financially. Hurt in the heart and core of your being. I would like to see this cleaned up!!! But maybe that is asking for too much.

Yes, it is such a terrible pull, a come-on to your poor heart when a therapist tells you how special you are, that you have all of these wonderful qualities and mean so much to them. ..only to find out later it was bs...said in an effort to help in some way, to change you and move you on to another place, i guess. It is like the early devastation we have all felt re-enacted. Retraumatized. Injury all over again, and it is soil ripe for the growth of pessimism, sarcasm and giving up. ON THE OTHER HAND.....if we choose to keep working at our healing, I guess this nastiness can turn into growth!!!! That is what I'm banking on and it looks like everyone on this board is working toward that direction as well.
Ahhh...

IHTS
B born2writeMember
Wow IHTS! Read your post and can only imagine how confusing, damaging, nice, and tempting it must have all have been. I mean we all want that bonding/attachment/love so desperately that if I was in your shoes I most certainly wouldn't have turned it down either. As a professional she should have known better, but at the same time we are all human and who knows what drove her to allow that. I don't judge her and I certainly don't judge you either. Just glad you were able to come out the other end, and hopefully she has learnt from it too.

I have to say I am still very confused about boundaries and right or wrong I see them as this grey area because a part of me understands the therapist/patient relationship, but another part of me just sees the human spirit and anyway it leaves me confused.

It's good to know that people drift off at times from this site and then feel free enough to pop in and out when the need arises.

B2W
I itsstillhardtosayMember
Yeah, thanks for post B2W. I feel like a huge chasm lies in front of me and feeling happy or fulfilled again. Its like a knife cut away tissue that can never grow back. The irrepairable-ness of this is still hard for me to say is real, to know is reality. It's like its too big to admit or to know. I feel totally sick inside, like a black cancer is there. I don't think I'll ever cry enough tears to move it out or truly heal. No amount of EMDR, no amount of talking...I believed her! I let that deep connection happen. I feel like she died. I guess the fantasy i had of her did die...it was a fantasy I guess because she proved out that what she said wasn't and couldn't be true. My life now feels completely empty. I had friends for the first time in my life...her friends, her acquaintances. This is pretty nuts I guess.

I am trying to build my own life now. I want it to be mine, not hers, not me shadowing her greatness, and me worshiping her so that she'll be nice to me, love me in a sense. No, I feel like I live in Nunavut or somewhere in the far north...that is hte isolation i feel inside. I guess it will shift and change over the years. It has been almost 9 months now. I don't want to wish my life away, but I would rather it be 9 years since last May.
I don't recommend this to anyone. I actually feel quite desperate on a daily basis, as bad as that is...it is reality.
greeneyesgreeneyesMember
IHTS you can get past this. It us an enormous hurt and betrayal of your trust and probably triggers experiences with your caregivers where they similarly hurt and betrayed you. Yes the blackness, emptiness, grief and hopelessness seem forever and loom insurmountable but they are not. It's a one step at a time process but you can work though this and find brightness and positivity.
I itsstillhardtosayMember
nail on the head again.
You sound very knowledgeable.

I guess I need to figure out time to do it....and how, what I'll need, etc. Can't go on like this forever. At least I can't when able to admit there is any other option. I can't just move into full blown grief. somehow it needs to be contained. I'm not finished my degree yet...very busy until June.

I did make an appt. for March 5th with a new therapist because mine is retiring. I'm reluctant to start though....partly because I'm low on $, partly out of fear.
greeneyesgreeneyesMember
Thanks ISHTS. Some of it relates to being a provisional psychologist but most of it is from personal experience with similar issues you're grappling with and having had an amazing therapist help me confront what seemed (and still seems) terrifying. I ran from my grief for years until it overwhelmed me late last year. I wish I hadn't spent so much time running and obfuscating. But perhaps I wasn't ready either.
I itsstillhardtosayMember
I called up my shrink yesterday and booked an appt for today. He has been there for me, on and off since 1998, so knows what happened with the old T. I talked to him about mourning and he agrees it is sitting there as large as life. He is supportive, said I can go there and talk as often as I want. Trouble is I know there is no magic cure. I told him I'd rather not take any drugs, so we ended up with me deciding to walk outside everyday, like out in the country away from people for an hour, just where I can cry if I need to and be out of my apt and this isolation/computer work to try and deal with it more concretely and without running. I know that overwhelm is knocking at my door, so hopefully this will let off the steam necessary and will lower my anxiety in the healthiest way I can do it. Whatever. Anyway, thanks for your input..

Oh, the strangest thing happened. I went to a big park after I saw him today...started walking and happened to look up into the branches above me. It was a big bare tree with about a dozen mourning doves sitting on the branches right above me looking down on me and my freezing tears. It was so weird. Makes me cry just thinking about it.

ISHTS
mad hattermad hatterMember
Hi ISHTS,
I remember you. I am sorry if my thread has brought up old pain for you, and also sorry that you still are dealing with the effects of your unethical T for this long time. I have no idea how long it will take me to get past this gaping wound. I wonder if there will always be some element of pain in it. It's too bad that some of us have had to learn all this boundary stuff the hard way, but I don't know how I could have responded any differently given the intensity of the needs I was trying to fill. These needs seem to drive us and have a life of their own.

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