Hi Meta4

First let me say that you're not weird or pathetic or anything like that. You're facing up to the difficulties and you have a good idea of where the feelings are coming from.I was amazed when I came on this forum first how common transference is. So many of the relationships in our lives are dominated by it. And as the rest of the people on here will tell you, provided your T deals well with the issue, it can be a really really useful and important tool to getting to the root of whatever difficulties are bringing you to therapy in the first place. I'm gonna try to explain how I feel to you through my own experience with my last T.

I developed very strong transference feelings towards my T, only a number of months after beginning working with him. I never asked him about himself deliberately, not to encourage these feelings. However, I left my feelings get the best of me. I knew we would never be together, that the likelihood was he didn't have such feelings for me and that this all stemmed from a past relationship. I wanted to feel safe and loved. I wanted him to save me from the horrible depression and fear I was feeling. I still have very strong feelings for him. I cried the day I finished therapy with him. We brought up the transference but very briefly and never went into detail about how strongly I felt.

A lot of my feelings are erotic too. While I told myself I would not ask him about his own life I let myself have those erotic feelings and indulge them regularly. I found myself thinking about them all the time. And talking about him a lot. I am now going back to him for a final-clear up session. I'm hoping to get the transference out in this session but it's going to be so so hard and i'm terrified. Check out the "T is gone-heartbroken thread", that's where I addressed my feelings a bit more.

Really all I can say is that I empathise with your situation and you're not crazy, it's very normal and while it's so tough, it could help you in the long run.

(((((meta4)))))

(I love your name, by the way.)

There is no reason to judge you for how you are feeling. On the contrary, it just about breaks my heart. You are so young, and I don't know what your current living conditions are, but it sounds like you are longing for what you're not getting from your own family, possibly your mother especially(?). Have you felt comfortable enough to mention any of this to your T?

My relationship with my mother has always been toxic. I was lucky enough in my mid-20's to meet a woman who ended up being a surrogate mother of sorts...she gave me the unconditional love my mother wasn't able to. We didn't plan it that way, it just happened. She had adopted an 8-year-old girl from Brazil several years previously, and it hadn't gone the way she had hoped. The girl had become accustomed to the orphanage and never forgave my friend for taking her away. So she had kind of a need for a "daughter", as well. We spent a lot of time together for about four years...a couple of hours a week, just talking. The relationship eventually changed so that we were more "equal" and now I don't see her nearly as often, but I think of her as my spirit mom, my adoptive mom, the mom I would have chosen if I could have. I don't mean to put my own mom down at all by saying that...but I'll always be grateful for my "spirit" mom. The time we spent together healed a very damaged part of me. And she told me it helped her too.

If you haven't already, I hope that you can find a way to beginning talking about your feelings with your T. It's probably way too scary to tell her everything at once...maybe you could start with something small and see how it goes. It sounds like you're already well aware of the therapeutic boundaries. Even though she can't spend time with you outside of session, I'm hoping she will listen to you with compassion and understanding, and give you enough "mothering" to help you make more connections with others.

Please keep posting and telling us how you are doing.
Take care,
SG

Thank you for your words Crazy lady and Strummergirl, I feel a lot better about it now. Although I'm still terrified to talk about it, because I've always tended to put on this face of maturity ... and now I think I'd be really embarrassed to tell her thoughts that are about HER.

Crazy Lady, I think it's a fantastic idea to have another session. Those feelings must be so hard, and I admire your courage. I think that shows how much you care for yourself as well.

Strummergirl, glad you like my name! I love your story about your "spirit mom". Thanks for your encouragement. I think I need to understand why i actually yearn for her mothering. I just wonder what it is I'm not getting from my mom because she loves me deeply. The abuse took place with my father.

Thank you and take care

I do feel very much like this. I hate it and I'm terrfied of this.
I feel awfully, horribly jealous about my T being married, wearing a wedding ring, having a family!! I keep dismissing these thoughts, I want to ignore the facts and since my T does not talk to me about his family life, I don't want to know anything and I don't want to care. I don't want these facts to exists and I don't want to have any feelings about these facts.

The session before the last one, we touched on this and I absolutely hated it. It is too scary to go there. It hurts so badly and I do very well to keep these feelings away from my thoughts, away from therapy sessions. I don't want them. I don't want to have these feelings and I don't want to know and remember anything about my T that makes me feel this way.

That time there was a gift bag in the room. It was hidden but not quite and it dragged my attention. I asked him about it and he asked what do I think and what do I feel about it. He knew what I was thinking about. It was awfull session. I felt like he was torturing me trying to get me talk and look at my feelings. I know that's what he should do, but I hate it.

I know many of you have families so perhaps it is easier to understand other people (therapists) also having families. But I'm on my own and it really bugs me.

Well, Amazon, I have a family of my own, but I'm still jealous of my T's family. I don't know if a Mother's Day holiday is ever celebrated in countries other than the U.S., but here its Mother's Day this Sunday. I know my T will be spending it with her grown children whose privilege it is to call her Mom. I know what each of her five children's names and ages are and even what they look like. I've even met her middle child who is the closest one to my age. My T has told me that her own kids can become offended (or jealous?) if she spends too much time texting or taking calls from clients on a weekend when she is spending it with her children. In my T's words, "They kind of feel like they were my children first." And they were/are. They should take priority, right? But it still stings to accept that despite the maternal transference / dependence I feel towards my T, I will never quite have an equally reciprocal rank with her.

MH, I think I understand how much it must hurt.
These other people got what we didn't.
I'm glad I don't know anything about his family. If I ever saw him in public with his family I think I would die.
I really would prefer not to know anything at all.

yeah, looking forward to father's day...

It was the third time that my T's car was parked next to the ticket machine. So it didn't take much effort to notice the child's seat in his car.
I told him that I saw it and I feel very jealous about him having a child.
I was crying and shaking and feeling angry at him for a while. It was another quite difficult session.

At some point he said "...I don't love you..." and I flinched and told him that i didn't want to hear that. That it hurt. I hated to hear these words. But... I heard and remember these words out of context. I don't remember what he said after that. That was not the whole sentence. Did he say "...I don't love you the way you... want"? I'm trying desperately to remember what were the words after these and I can't because I interrupted him. Does it matter what he said after that? Should I stop trying to hold on to this other part that I didn't remember? I would like to be loved by him in whatever way is available. A tiny bit would do if it's possible.
He also said "I really care about you. I am concered with what is happening with/to you". I love him so much. He is so wonderful. I wish I could have enough strength to say it to him. But I always end up shaking and crying. I love him more than I loved anybody else before.

Oh Amazon i'm so really sad for you, you are in so much pain I wish i had some words at least that would help but words are pretty useless with what you're going through.

Just know that you are cared about here, and that it does sound like your T cares about you too - hold onto that. :hug:

I'm sorry, too, Amazon. I think he does care about you, and of course they cannot love us the same way we love them, or the way they love their families... and it absolutely sucks. But you ARE learning to love, and that is what matters. That's what I tell myself, anyway, when this "he doesn't love me and never will" line of thinking comes into my head. At least now I know that I am capable of feeling that strongly for someone. I thought that would never happen; that I was defective. I hope this thought is some small comfort to you, as well.

Thank you for your kind words Lamplighter and echo. I hope you don't mind me free-associating here. Maybe if I name something here I will be able to name it during my session. Maybe...
Yes, I do find a lot of comfort in the fact and the feeling that he cares. It is hard sometimes to have these feelings, it's probably going to get harder, but it's probably the first time in my life that loving a man doesn't hurt badly. I feel very contained and kind of safe. Of course it's different when I'm on my own, but when I'm with him I'm soo afraid.

I think the problem is that I would love tell how much I love him and how much he means to me, but to ... somebody else. To discuss it here for instance. He wants me to talk about my feelings for him and that's what I'm supposed to be doing, but it's so hard!

What makes me really anxious is actually the idea of not loving him, of loosing it. I feel that for as long as I love him I'm safe, I'm in a good place. Despite the fact that he is my therapist and is not available to any other kind of relationship. I know that if he wasn't my therapist and he wasn't married, I wouldn't have this close relationship with him. I wouldn't have any relationship. I wouldn't matter a thing to somebody like him. So despite the jealousy I want this.

I also noticed that I'm trying to... deflect any sexual feelings I may have towards him and keep them out of this relationship. I think this is not the way to go. It has to be with him first. I need to learn about these feelings with him. I can't do it with somebody else. And I keep having those fantasies about some other guy, whom I don't even know but it makes me feel extremely vulnerable whenever this guy is around and worried that my transference may go in the wrong direction. I know I'm safe only with my T, so I don't want to have any feelings for somebody else when I`m not ready.

Eh, It's complicated. I need my T.

ooo, sorry , too, Amazon. It is an extremely heartbreaking kind of love. I feel very similar to you...I too "deflect" feeling that could easily become sexual if I "let" them. I just can't go there. I cannot allow it! It is too scary, too "wrong" even though I know nothing would ever happen, and that I couldn't ever let myself dwell on those feelings even for a moment or enjoy them, I just couldn't let myself even feel them! NEVER! But I also wonder, with you- if we are suppose to be allowing ourselves in the safety of this relationship to experience all our feelings... shouldn't I let myself feel that one too? But he is like a dad to me, so it TOTALLY FREAKS ME!!!! Why, would I feel that way? ew, ew, ew. I would gross myself out. Yet, I would never think that it's gross or bad about anybody else who had those feelings on here...never....so why am I ew, ew ,ew about myself? Where do those feelings come from...I wonder? They are under there, I may as well admit it. ack. Especially since I'm married and I have certain beliefs of my own about marriage and not having thoughts of other men in my heart. Are these feelings even real? WTF? This is weird stuff! It freaks me out, Amazon. Please tell me if you come up with anything on this.

BB

BB, I can come up with something, it may sound like a right thing to do, but, it's doesn't mean that I can follow my own advise. I know most of the time, what I should tell my T, but I don't always do. A year into therapy and I still didn't tell him much about some important heartbreaking events in my life.

I imagine it is going to be heartbreaking kind of love so I try keep it at acceptable (for me) level.
I already allowed it to be of slightly sexual shade, but not much. Just a tint. So it doesn't freak me out. And since both him and me named this feeling and it's shade already (briefly mentioned), so I almost consider it done, tick the subject and move on (move away from it). Especially that I have not a clue how to talk about it. Ok. Despite loving him in a child's way, I also find him very attractive kind of guy. So? Do I need to add anything?
I believe we should allow ourselves to feel ALL feelings. There is place for all of our feelings in this relationship.
That's what they say right?
I don't know how to do it, still.
I wonder, could it be something like this: there will be times when he will be like a dad, there will be times when he will be like a friend (I like those times), there will be times when he will be... somebody else?
Where these feelings come from? They come from the adult part of us. That's how we are made, so they are supposed to be there right?
I really don't know how is it supposed to work when somebody is married. For me it seems almost like married people should be warned in advance, that, or, by the way, you will most likely fall in love with your T, be warned.
Since I'm not married I don't feel guilty about having thoughts about whoever I like, but I can imagine that it must be really hard, confusing and painful when you are in a serious relationship. Perhaps there is a way around it, but I don't know.

Are these feelings real? Yes, they are real. Absolutely.