Hi all.. I have been reading all of your entries here for quite some time now but am just now joining in.. I think it's because there's a lot going on for me right now and I'm looking for someone to talk to about it.. I hope you don't mind me "bending your ear" as I potentially blather on. This past weekend has been a whammy hit for me... I learned of a friend's death on Friday night and on Sunday my estranged husband, soon to be ex, let me know that he is dating someone! Ironically a tragedy and a "it's definitely over" sign together may just be forming the kick-in-the-behind I've been needing to start doing what I need to do to get my stuff together - there has already been a shift for me in one area.
I am actually a client of ShrinkLady so this is kinda weird and neat at the same time. I have been fighting going to see her, ending up being hugely activated (all I want to do is cry) and angry at the same time - quite the combination to deal with as I try to get some sense out of and value in the work we are doing.. And now, with these two recent events, the crying and the anger are now present everywhere, not just in her office. There's a particular song I sometimes play in the car on high volume - an anger song, for me.. it seems a bit cathartic (sp?) so I like playing it. I know, I know.. ShrinkLady tells me it is a natural part of the therapy work, but I hate it..
The two people pivotal in the events of this past weekend keep rolling around in my head and my emotions.. even though I have not seen the friend who passed away for about a year (even though we are both local to our community) and even though it was me that wanted the marriage to end... I realized on Sunday that it upset me so much that he was dating again both because it really meant the marriage is over (even though logically I already knew it was and I want it to be) and, to be honest, I wanted him to be unhappy a bit longer so he could mull over his part in the marriage's failure.. although why he would feel regret now, instead of earlier when he knew it was fading and going to die if he did nothing, well.. You will find that my thoughts are not always logical!
Thanks for letting me add a totally different vein of "coffee talk" here.. Sorta like a journal..
Oh, yeah.. one more thing... there was a previous string of conversation about the dude not wanting his/her (sorry, I can't remember who was writing at the time) therapist to tell him/her what to do... Can I relate!! As much as I love her, it drives me crazy when I am interrupted and asked physically feel what I am sitting on, grounding whatever.. in other words, I too, hate it when my therapist tells me what to do. It's an adjunct to my anger. Grrr...