Grrr...just lost a whole post.

I've actually said all these things to H already, because we have a very open relationship and he's not the type of guy to "get" things unless told directly, so he asks me to do so.

Overall, yeah, he's a loving guy and trying his best, but I think he sees it as something I need to change about my perceptions (not being so sensitive), rather than being willing to act a little nicer, when that's just now how he is. He's like a sledgehammer...a really useful tool for knocking down walls, but you're not going to use it to perform surgery.

He sometimes does the paternal dynamic thing too, but I receive it negatively, because he is my partner and not my dad. The things he has gone to the counselor with so far are: asking what the heck the counselor's thinking, because I went from being functional to barely functional really quickly when counseling started; asking T about the cost of group therapy without telling me he was asking (hiding texts between them until I called him on it and making me paranoid they are conspiring against me), because I told him T had suggested it as an option, but I was sure we couldn't afford it. What he wants to do now is ask T to move to a different location in the room on my behalf, because I don't like the room setup...but it's my job to decide if I want to bring it up and I WOULD NEVER demand T to change something for me. I will tell him how I feel and let him decide if something can/should be done on his end. H gets this way with me, acting like he's in charge. When I piss him off, he'll sometimes say, "Don't EVER do that again!" and I hate it (and tell him so). So far, T has been reassuring to him without getting detailed about what goes on in my sessions. And I told T after the first incident that it was not OK for me to not be involved in conversations about my treatment. In that incident, T didn't really step out of bounds, but I wanted him to know I felt H did. And T has discussed the problems of triangulation with me before, so I know he's on the ball.

As far as H goes, part of me can't blame him, because therapy is always on my mind lately. I get so anxious about it. And the fact that I am less functional and admitting to H the thoughts/acts I am struggling with (acts that never happened until I opened up in therapy) can get overwhelming to him. So, I was still being open to him, but trying to pretend to not be thinking and worrying about it all the time (coming on here to relate to others and get this stuff out of my head), and then he seemed to get jealous of me going elsewhere and sharing with others. When I used to say I wasn't comfortable talking to others instead of him, he would tell me how wrong it was, but now that I am trying to develop deeper relationships to do so, he almost sabotages them (talks about wanting to find a new church, asks me not to get involved in too many activities). And he tells me to stop repressing stuff, but when my feelings are overwhelming, asks why I can't ignore them and think about good things. If I try to point these things out, he is "done talking." So, at this point, I'm just not able to keep being as open with him and it's damaging our connection. Maybe we will eventually need some more therapy together, but right now we each have our own stuff to be working on.

Don't get me wrong, I love the man! He's my best friend and even though I'm starting to feel the wound he caused me, I'm still 100% committed to us. And he's working so hard since his coworker was fired. Last week was the first he didn't work 60+ hours since before Christmas, and he gets paid no OT, because he is salary. So, I really do have to cut him some slack. Just complaining about it on here is better than nagging him about things he's not willing or able to change right now.

Yaku - You're not alone in this. My partner asks me everytime I go, "When are you going to be done with this?" I just say when I'm ready. It can be extremely annoying and I just want to scream, but I don't. Hopefully, over time it will get better and he will understand.

Ugh, that would so drive me crazy, too.

Are there times when he is more supportive about this? Perhaps in those moments, give him a big hug and say "Honey, thank you so much for being so understanding. Your support means the world to me!"

Well, last night he randomly came up to me and said he was "sorry for not being there as much as [I need him]." He didn't talk with the counselor about it, it was just something that was on his heart. He gave the example of telling me he didn't want to be my second therapist and said he was feeling really bad about it. This gave me the opportunity to explain that it's not that he's not there for me in the amount that I need, but just not in the way that I need. I told him I really did appreciate his support, but I need to not be corrected, fixed or rushed because it makes this process so much harder for me. But, yes, whenever he is doing things that help, whether it is giving me a break with our daughter or just giving me affection for no reason or saying something that makes me feel supported (this one he really seems to have no clue about, so it is very rare), I make sure to tell and demonstrate how much it means to me.