Starfish - I do understand completely. I always feel like I am two people. The outside me - hence Smiley, happy, competent, honest, great friend, good partner, basically a happy person. On the inside, however, I feel horrible.

The memories? I still can't believe that I still have the flashbacks and the recurring feelings and sensations. Like you I wonder how many more can there be?

It seems to me that when I go to therapy I kind of do the same thing until I am totally out of sorts. Then I start out with I'm fine, and then it goes to silence. I am usually at the end of my rope and just can't deal with things. The inside of me is now too close to the surface of the outside of me and I feel like I'm going to snap. What will happen? will I totally break? Will I finally commit suicide? Will I bacome a wandering homeless person? I don't know.

I think the idea is to try and keep the therapy balanced in such a way that our lives can still function. I think a good therapist recognizes this and will hep us through that time. I'm sure your T knows that your session was tough on you. I'm sure if you called they would probably tell you that and just comfort you a bit. I know mine will do that, if and when I call.

I don't know if this helps at all, I guess I'm just trying to let you know I understand.

Smiley

Dear Starfishy, can i first say its WONDERFUL that you reached out and posted? I like to cred you gib time for doing that, i imagine you have debated alot whether or not to post, so i am so glad you chose to do so!

I feel so much for you.. this jugglins is so hard. And it aches a bit, reading about how much energy you have to use, in order to "Hold toghether" and cope with your life outside session.. Like there`s a gap between your inside-feleings and all the way other people sees you.. oh, i do relate to that alot! Espescially the first year of my therapy, this drove me crazy at times- feelin like i had to live 2 seperated lifes, one that was allows to "fall apart" (a bit) inside therapy, and the other one, -that had to cope and hold toghether everything in day-to-day life..

But please belive me, when i say, its NOT gonna feel like this forever. You are obviously doing some really hard work in therapy now, an those strugglings will bear fruits (?) and it wount last forever. Dear Starfishy: what you wrote here is the really core the way i see it:

"but my instinct is to always play down how I feel...so I even find myself sometimes telling her that I've been fine, when inside I'm incredulous at the words coming out of my mouth ...I've felt anything but fine. Putting on a brave front is so exausting sometimes (..)"

Oh, yes, this sounds exausting indeed...the "good news" is that -sorry if this only sounds obvious- you do NOT have to put on this brave front. You dont have to bear masks. Can you allow yourself to just tell T (or write) how you REALLY feel, and just let her take it from there? I know thats hard, and scary, it took me ALONG time, before i managed, but there`s such a great reliefe when actually telling T how things really are... thats also a true "medicine" to the juggling. Its the "mask/front" that causes a lot of this juggling, i *think* (it was for me at least) Mabye it hurt so much now, because you feel like you cant manage to hold up that brave front anymore? -That its going to brist any minute maybe- but *if* so- maybe you you should just allow yourself to give in for that, and stop holding/working so hard to held up that front.. Ugh- sorry if this doesnt make sense at all. I just really wanted to say, that this is going to pass, you just have to start letting yourself express what really is needed o be said, being honest with yourself, in that way the juggling wont take all your energy anymore either. I wish you all the best and i hope other people will have more direct adcvises to you. ((((starfishy))))

AND PLEASE KEEP WRITING IF IT HELPS!! its lovley having the chance to offor you something back! (hopefully, you know at least i am trying to offor all the supprt i have, despite, the lack of both words and gift for expressing myself!)

Aw thanks guys, that helps to know that I'm not on my own with all of this. It helps.

Smiley...I get that 2 people feeling ....hummm, sometimes more than two these days.
I think the memories are waring and debilitating...mine seem very stubborn, do eventually go but then it seems a whole new load are luking ready to jump in their place. T is very confident they will and can all be processed, but I have to talk about them to do that..we've tried many other ways, but that always works best for me...but it does always get worse before it gets better.

quote:

The inside of me is now too close to the surface of the outside of me and I feel like I'm going to snap. What will happen? will I totally break? Will I finally commit suicide? Will I bacome a wandering homeless person? I don't know.

Aw smiley, I wonder if these sentiments were behind your last thread? It's really hard to stay with feelings like that. My T tells me that it feels awful now, but I WILL come through it ...and that really helps when my spirits need lifting.

Thank you for your insights

Froggy - dear froggy I think I am frightened to tell T sometimes how I really feel, because deep down I fear nothing will change and then I will bereate myself for feeling needy. Yes she does know it's hard, but part of my coping has been to keep going, to keep in control and not give into that fear of going under. Thank you for your support here.

draggers, I am so so sorry about your job - I expect you feel a lot of sadness mingled with a tiny bit of relief? Yep, so you will understand then I know I can't ever imagine a time of NOT having this stuff to carry around with me. It will free up so much time for a start - I cannot remember when I wasn't either trying to deny it furiously, or was totally weighted down by it - both not easy. Thanks for the hug and acknowledgement of how it feels.

starfish

MH

oOO I like the sound of that throw pillow - too true that we feel just that when we smile and say we're fine. Did you buy one??

I am in the super busy league, when I slow it feels scary, so I have many pots on the boil and manage better that way...but sometimes I have too many and then get overwhelmed. Slowing right down is scary because it's then that the memories seem to come back....so I can resonate with your experience of being alone at home I am glad your T got you through that time.

quote:

but the world doesn't know our internal chaos. are you worried someday you will break apart and not be able to publicly hide it or keep coping? i worry about that.

yes MH - absolutely that I think that was what smilet was saying too if i read her correctly. I just don't know what the alternative looks or feels like.

starfish

dear starfishy- oh, just wanted to offor another hug and tell you i hear you and i understand why you hesitate talking to T about this. I do. Its part of your coping mecanism- to not talk about/dive into all the painful stuff- your coping mecanism are serving a purpose for you in that way also,-protecting you from going into that place within you, where you fear you wount manage to araise from again.. Its ok starfishy, no need to hurry or push it.
Since your T already knows its hard for you, maybe its a good thing after all, to just let it be, let the coping mechansim do its "job".. When you`re ready to talk about what you need to talk about, it will happen when you ready for it. Seems like there`s plenty enough for you to talk about already, with all the upcomming memories etc.,
- i am sure the time will come, when things will get easier and you wont be too overwhelmed by fear... I fundamently belive that this can be healed with time, (by talking about it in therapy) but only when you`re ready and your coping mecanism changes- and the overwheming fear fades..

i wish you all the best! Keep venting here, if it helps you. again: Its great to see you posting! But i am so sorry you are struggling so much with this juggling..

((Starfish))

Thank you for starting this thread. It is amazing what a similar experience we all share. I worry that therapy will make my "real life" impossible. I think that is part of the goal because our "real life coping" is not making us happy inside no matter what it looks like from the outside.

You know from my recent thread that I don't know if therapy can help me but I do believe that it helps a lot of people. I keep myself busy and I've always been afraid that if I stop I'll crash. The truth is I've crashed a few times before I started therapy. Not crashed to the point of homelessness or hospitalization but crashed in the sense of quitting school, changing to less stressful jobs, giving up volunteer responsibilities. So I know my life didn't work before therapy but I'm not sure what can help but for the last 2.5 years I've been working hard in therapy.

I hope you can tell your therapist more about your struggle and it helps.

I'm so glad you posted, Starfish.

quote:

I think I am frightened to tell T sometimes how I really feel, because deep down I fear nothing will change and then I will bereate myself for feeling needy.

Oh, I couldn't have put this any clearer. I suspect my T knows this, and I bet yours does, too. She has asked me a few times to try and not be the 'same' person with her as I am with everyone else, because she knows that I never let the 'other' person show, the person that's inside. Have you told your T that you feel this way? Sometimes it helps to get even the tiniest bit of reassurance that my T doesn't think I'm being too needy or that I'm just flawed in so many ways without a hope of being fixed.

When is your next session? I hope it's not too far off.

(((((Starfish)))))

froggy,
you are so right, it is my way of coping to keep quiet and minimise, but it works against me sometimes too. ...packing things away so tightly after a session so they don't escape and I might cope - either means that I struggle to get them out again, or that they bounce out of their own accord unannounced. Neither really easy for me.

incognito

quote:

I think that is part of the goal because our "real life coping" is not making us happy inside no matter what it looks like from the outside

too true, that's exactly how it is. I wonder if our real life coping gets harder or easier as therapy progresses? My gut feeling is that there will be a time inevitably that the real life coping crashes for a while, before it can be rebuilt on more solid foundations. That crashing would be a big fear for me.

kashley

Thank you for replying when things are so difficult for you.
I think after so many years my T truly does know the person inside me, I still try to put on a front though even though she knows me all too well by now. I wish I could show more emotion and feeling but have a need to carry on and manage, that stems back to as far as I can ever remember.

Thank you for asking, my next session is Thursday, then I have a 2 week break and back to the juggling ....

starfish

Oh my dear Starfish. I can really relate to this post of yours and I'm so pleased to see you posting!

I often go through life feeling as though I'm fake. I put on this front of being a mom, a wife, a friend etc. and everything on the outside looks and sounds normal. Then I feel fake because things on the inside are far from ok and normal. I have other people living inside me for goodness sakes, but nobody on the outside (except H, T and one friend) knows this. It makes me feel like it is all just a lie and then I also feel like I have to come off having it all together because what would everyone think of me if I didn't?

I also struggle with feeling ashamed for being needy. I am so used to doing things alone and taking care of myself that it feels wrong to reach out for help and to let someone else help carry that burden.

I am happy that you have your T and that she knows you well enough to see through that and help you get to the root of the pain. It is really hard work that you are doing and you know what? Even though it might not feel like it, it is really ok to not have it all together all the time.

Good luck on Thursday!

Thanks all of you - bravery level has gone up a notch!

DF, thank you for your kind words Yes my T sees through me mostly...I talk away saying I am fine and she has this certain look that sees straight through the bravado every time

STRMS, I read your post and realised maybe why I find it so hard, having the confident outer front me that the world sees and the inner hurting me that is kept hidden...you said

quote:

nobody on the outside (except H, T and one friend) knows this

You are similar to me in that way, only T knows the true extent of my story, my H and a very few others have a few details only. Perhaps if we were able to talk more freely to the outside world, then we wouldn't have to live these 2 lives. Shame is the main factor that stops me talking, plus a feeling that I might be judged by others who might be disgusted either by me or by what happened to me. Plus there is the small problem of dissociating and not being able to get the words out anyway, even if I could talk. There is a part of me that thinks that one day this will all be behind me too....I don't want my story to linger with others in their memory, when I've hopefully managed to move on.

I wonder if you all are able to share your stories more freely with others outside of here...and if not, like me, why not?

starfish

quote:

Thanks all of you - bravery level has gone up a notch!

quote:

Well done my friend! May it keep going up!

I was just thinkning of you. Hows things today? And to answer your question: No, i do not share much of my history with people, much as the same reasons as yours- shame and stuff. But i am getting "better" at it.. It just takes time. I think too, that sharing your story, bit by bit, with friends ect. will help the feeling of isolation (and juggling). Sharing is really the best mediscin of the lonelyness IMO. Sorry for not giving better advices..
(((starfishy))))

quote:

I wonder if you all are able to share your stories more freely with others outside of here...and if not, like me, why not?

Of course you already know that I fall in the why not category. There are a few reasons that I don't feel I can really and truly share what is going on for me with others. The first is that there are very few people that I'm truly close to and that it would even be appropriate to go into more detail with. The second is a trust issue. Even with a select few that I am closer to, I worry that they won't keep the information confidential and that it would get around. For example, we live in a smaller town. I volunteer at my kids' schools, I chat with the other mothers etc. I think that most people have a very screwed up idea in their head about what DID really is (most still call it multiple personality disorder). They seem to think that means that someone with DID is crazy and dangerous. Of course most with DID tend to be very sane, appear normal etc. It is because of the DID that we didn't go insane! However, when people get scared they can do weird things. I worry about them being afraid of me being around their children, thinking that I can't take care of my own children and just generally talking behind my back and being afraid of me.

It is definitely the shame that keeps me from talking freely about it. Then again, it isn't like most people with depression are going to go around telling everyone that either. There is such stigma surrounding mental health issues and I'm afraid to be subjected to that.

Hi starfish,

I am so sorry you are in pain and finding it a struggle. I guess we all put on fronts, some to a lesser degree and others to a more extreame degree.

As for myself, I only have to put up fronts for my DH here at home, daughter and my grandson but they are most of the time at their home. OOps, also my P, my primary Dr. and my T. My P, & my Primary I only see 4x's a yr. so they do catch me once in a great while. Now my T I see every Monday and Thursday for 2 hours ea day. Nothing, absolutely nothing gets by this woman!

She reads me like a damn book. I hate her greeting question, "How are you today and how are you feeling" GRRRR. So I answer Fine TY. That is when she calls me on it, then I feel like a rat caught in her trap! I have asked her, am I really that easy for you to read?? She smiles and says to me, Yes ***** you are. Don't get me wrong, I moan and groan about my T but I really love this woman for all that she does for me!

Well since I can't win for losing with her I am going to buy her that *NICE* pillow that MH posted about. TY MH. Fortunately my T has a great sense of humor so she will get a kick out of it.

I have always been independent from when I was a child til now. In childhood I had to be or else I was in danger. I could not rely or trust anyone. With 1 exception only, and that was my gramps.

I find with T that I really fight & struggle with my shame in being needy. I am so used to doing things for myself, being independent and taking care of my own needs that it just feels wrong to reach out to her for help or to allow someone else (my T) to help carry my load.

My T is the only person who knows my whole history plus whatever new comes up, yes there is still more stuff coming up. My immediate family, the Primary and the P only knows a minimal amount of my history. I don't (can't) work so I don't have to face anyone in a job situation. I don't meet, see, hear from, or talk to anyone in my FOO except for 1 younger sister. She was also abused when younger and I did my best to protect her and keep her from harm. But I wasn't able to protect her all the time.

Everyone's experiences are different but yet also so very similar in many aspects. I sincerely hope you will find some peace and not have to continue to keep struggling.
(((((((((((Starfish)))))))))))

Hello, there my five-legged friend! It's so nice to see you posting! I'm sorry I'm sooo late to this thread, but I just wanted to offer my support to you right now, in whatever way I can. I'm sorry that the sessions are leaving you so exhausted and frightened. I guess that is part of the difficult work you are doing, but I still wish it didn't have to be like that.I'm wondering if there is some way your T can help with that...for example could you just tell her that you really aren't "fine" sometimes, I know thats so hard to do. My T asked me if I was ok, last time a little while before we hang up, and then he said something he said: "be honest..." so I just said, no, I guess I'm not ok. He was so so nice about it, and took extra time to just be kind...that I was ok, after that. I know that in your situation it isn't going to make your other stuff go away in the interim, but at least it would be something to hold onto until the next session...idk.

Oh, little starfishy, I worry about you juggling all of those balls, and managing it all so well...I wish there was a way for you to rest a bit, somehow. I know it would make things harder in a lot of ways, but in the long run it might set you free in other ways. But I know how hard that is...just ask me to stop coping the way I do- and you will find me in a trainwreck some days! I guess it's hard in a way cause the stuff you are doing is all good stuff!

anyway, I just want to say, how I am inspired by the courage you display, and sending load of hugs and support to get you through until your next session...

Love,

BB

Thank you dear froggy, Draggers, STRMS for validating what has always held me back from talking more to others....overwhelming shame and a fear of being misunderstood by others. We very slowly make advances in educating the public about mental health issues, but have a long way to go still it seems and as STRMS says, the stigma still remains. Thank goodness for solid, caring support and understanding here from folk like you

Marsh,

quote:

I find with T that I really fight & struggle with my shame in being needy. I am so used to doing things for myself, being independent and taking care of my own needs that it just feels wrong to reach out to her for help or to allow someone else (my T) to help carry my load.

Oh yes, totally get that. I am so fiercly independent in that I have to do things for myself. I hate that feeling of being needy in therapy, yet realise that I AM needy and that my T has the skills and resorces to help me out of that neediness. I wish I could manage on my own, but the reality is of course that I can't I am glad you have a T who knows you so well too ...it is a bit unnerving sometimes!! Thank you for sharing that

Beebers,

Thank you for your thoughts,encouragement and hugs BB. Do you know, it's really hard for me to say I'm not fine. I feel guilty for saying that ever, even though I know T can see right through me if I pretend I'm ok. I think I am so used to telling myself and the world that I'm fine, I fear I might crumble if I don't. Accepting I'm not fine, might also make the reality of my issues even more real somehow, or potentially cause all my sadnesses tumble out at once and become overwhelming. So in a way, the only way I have learnt how to cope, is to be always fine....the alternative feels too difficult for me.

starfish