In group therapy today, I was pretty much the center of the hour and a half. Mainly because the group leaders were saying that I've been quiet the past few weeks, and they wanted to know what was going on. Needless to say, a lot was brought up, and I was said to have been "digging my heels in" in my attempts to limit self-disclosure. All of the other group members (including 1 of the 2 group leaders) expressed frustration in me that I wouldn't talk freely about myself and that I wouldn't just confront my parents about how they make me feel when they say/do certain things.

Anyway, I also got frustrated today, because I was sitting there, listening to other people say how I just have to bite the bullet and remind myself that I'm an adult, my parents are adults, and they can deal with whatever I have to tell them. One group member said that despite what I have to say, they will fight for my love; I was also told that, since things never turn out the way we expect, then I should go ahead and talk to them, since I can't know, and shouldn't try, to anticipate the outcome of a conversation with them. My frustration stems from having all of these other things that I deal with regarding my parents. Like, I don't lay down and submit to my parents because I feel like it's my duty as a child to do so, but I do it because it's the only way to keep the peace, and because I don't have anyone else. I don't do or talk much with my father, which is good, considering he's the raging narcissist in the family. But my mother seems like she gets blinded by selfishness sometimes, but I'm quick to just give in to her, because she's the only person I have. If I make her angry with me, she may see my point of view eventually, but I have no where to go, no one to turn to, in the mean time. One of the group leaders briefly pointed this out; he asked me if I had a group of people to turn to and talk about the problems I'm having with my parents, and I said that I don't. However, I think this went largely unnoticed by the group, and more frustration was expressed that I wouldn't just talk to my parents. There are SO many reasons why I act and behave the way I do, and I'm not saying that they are necessarily the right things for me to do. But it's so tough to hear all of these things from others when there just simply isn't enough time (and I don't have enough courage) to explain the many, many reasons why I do some of the things I do.

One of the group leaders said that group is a good place for me to test out self-disclosure and confiding in them so that I could feel confident enough to confront my parents. But with only 3 group sessions left, what's the point? I'd lose that support, which would defeat the whole purpose. Even though I disclosed more than I ever have in group therapy (today was the 7th session), I feel so misunderstood, defeated, sad, and helpless right now.

On a positive note, I am traveling with our university's gospel choir to Chicago on Friday (12 hours away) where we will be performing at 3 churches and at Navy Pier. Hopefully, once I make it through this week, I'll be able to put some of this stuff aside and enjoy the weekend. I just don't know what to do right now.