Hi QG....oh yes I have definitely experienced this. Today in fact. I told my T that I felt he was frustrated with me and I was trying his patience in my endless quest for trust and safety in our relationship. He tells me that it's not true and he is not frustrated with me and I am doing just fine. Please don't be scared to go back because your T is not judging you and I highly doubt he will terminate you because of your statement to him. I have had the same fear of termination and it was when I told my T that I had transference feelings and warm, affectionate feelings for him. He was a bit defensive but we worked through it together and he told me that he never thought about terminating me.

I think you need to talk openly with your T and tell him your fear of termination. He will reassure you about this. You said nothing wrong to him and your therapy session is where you are allowed to say these kinds of things in a safe place.

Welcome and please let us know how you are doing.

TN

Wow True North, I was in exactly the same spot! I often feel so uncomfortable with my lack of ability to feel safe, even when I know that my T has done nothing but remain a constant, caring listener, week after week. I don't feel attracted to him (although this did happen initially but I could see that it was 100% transference) -- just terribly curious about what he thinks about me (i.e. if I seem "normal" or completely bats), and very needy...like he's my breathing salvation. It's a little unsettling because he's younger than me by a few years -- I find it odd that I "look up" to him as though he were my senior or something (transference?). I am currently separated from an emotionally abusive husband (therapy has definitely helped me to value myself more) so my distrust, I suppose, is understandable due to my past situation BUT, I almost want, in writing, confirmation that he is not bored or irritated with me. It's a stupid thing to demand and I'm terribly ashamed of it. I'm at a crossroads and I'm just not sure where I will go next....

quote:

i spend a large part of my life worrying that i am annoying not just my T but people around me. The problem i have is that reassurance doesn't help

HB- I feel the same way. I am constantly wondering if people are tired of me yet and wondering when they are gonna get rid of me. It's not even a fear of rejection- it's almost like an assumption that it is going to happen and I am just waiting for it!?!? Does that make sense? And when my T tries to reassure me, I tend to block out what she says to me because I think she is just lying to me. How do I know she is telling the truth? I just wanna say "prove it to me!" Ugh.

-CT

Hi QueenGrey and welcome to the forums!

quote:

I've been diligently going to counseling for over a year and I felt that I was building a very strong bond with my T. Because of this, it came as a big surprise when I suddenly began to doubt my T.

I totally get this. I see my T for marital counseling as well and started individual therapy with him only after telling him I was feeling attracted to him. I had really come to trust him through the work in couples counseling so it was kind of shock that once I told him how I felt, I alternated between wanting to run away and being terrified he would leave or tell me to go. I was constantly convinced that he was irritated, angry or just tired of dealing with me. And I do mean constantly. My reactions were what cued my T into the fact that I have disorganized attachment.

In a secure attachment, we follow our biological drives to go towards our attachment figure, to move closer to connection to get our needs met. Our attachment figure teaches us to regulate our emotions and soothes us when things go wrong. When you're abused by a parent (I was sexually abused by my dad) the very person you should go towards for comfort is also the source of danger. So instead of learning to move towards someone when I felt needy, I learned to be terrified of moving closer in an attempt to keep myself "safe." Part of my believing my T was always upset were attempts to provide me with an excuse to move away and stay safe. But our drive to get our needs met is extremely strong and so I am also driven towards him because I can get my needs met. My T calls it the "bind." And its pretty scary to work through, but you can.

My T has been really good about just continuing to reassure me about his sticking around and assuring me that I won't be sent away. And just so you feel better about going back after saying that to your T, I've talked to my T about googling him, being angry with him, feeling abandoned by him (he went on vacation! ), feeling sexually attracted to him, googling him, being scared he would like my husband better, feeling like he really just wished I would go away... you get the idea.

Therapy is the place where you should be free to express any feelings at all. We often weren't free as children to express our fears, our angers, and our needs. Part of the reparative work is to bring all of ourselves into the room without being sent away.

AG

quote:

So instead of learning to move towards someone when I felt needy, I learned to be terrified of moving closer in an attempt to keep myself "safe." Part of my believing my T was always upset were attempts to provide me with an excuse to move away and stay safe. But our drive to get our needs met is extremely strong and so I am also driven towards him because I can get my needs met.

OMG AG - this exactly describes my situation! I'm so glad that I found this forum! Thanks for the feedback!!! I'm definitely going to discuss this with my T -- I bet he'll agree.

Question AG -- now that you notice your "bind" how do you go about working through it?

(((((((((HB))))))))))))
That is an amazing breakthrough! To be able to see your patterns and put enough space between you and your emotions to recognize that they may not be reflecting reality now is a biggie!

QueenGray,
How did I work my way through the bind? Good question, do you have a few hours? I don't have a lot of time right now because I have to get ready to leave on a trip, but I'll give the short version.

You have to keep walking into the fear. My feelings and sometimes my thoughts would be screaming at me that I was walking into something dangerous and that I was going to get hurt, rejected and abandoned, so I just had to choose to talk to my T anyway even though it was terrifying. I am the best terrified driver in the world because I drive to most sessions with a white-knuckled grip because I'm so scared of what I have to talk about. For a while, it wasn't unusual for me to have to just sit and control my breathing for a minute or so at the beginning of a session.

But every time I did that, and my T responded well made it just a scintilla easier to do the next time.

I will tell you that I was endlessly creative in coming up with reasons to leave or pull back. So I would keep going to my T and talking about how I felt (usually feeling like an idiot) and he would once again point out that it was another manifestation of the "bind." He explained it to me over and over and over.

If this sounds clear in retrospect I want to make it clear that I was a confused mess through most of it. It often didn't make any sense but I just kept going back to my T and talking about how I felt,often about him. Eventually those repeated experiences changed me. I can still have momments of doubt but most of the time now I feel very secure. I'm sure about my Ts committment to me (and yes, I actually have moments when I believe he likes me. ) and I know I can tell him anything and he's not going to ask me to leave (mostly because I think I've run out of things to tell him ) and I know he's not my parents and he's going to be there for me no matter what.

Its a long slow process but you'll get there in the end. The really important part is that you're recognizing you're feeling this way and looking at why.

AG

quote:

You have to keep walking into the fear.

This is so hard and frightening and necessary. I'm not doing very well at this yet, but intellectually I understand how much it will help me to overcome those monsters. Each time I am a little bit successful, and things turn out ok, I know I am building that bridge to happiness and health.

It is important for me, and my T points this out quite often, to look at how far I have come. How I have changed many of my behaviors, even if only slightly. I know I still have a long way to go, but the more I trust my T and really tell her how I am feeling, the easier it becomes to express my feelings and emotions. It is important too, at least for me, to look at how I am dealing with other relationships besides the one with my T. After all, the ultimate goal is for us to be able to leave our T's and have better relationships with people in our lives. (Ok, I'm not ready to deal with this yet. It makes me shudder just thinking about it ) But really, someday we do have to fly on our own and know that we can be successful. I know that I have to be satisfied with baby steps and not be in such a hurry to get the end result.

It is so helpful for me to see that some of you have made it so much closer to the other side. It gives me great hope.

PL