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Hi

Thought I would take advantage of a quiet moment to put some ideas down on paper.
I suppose in one sense we had a fairly conventional 1960s upbringing, with Dad going out to work and Mum staying at home to look after us. Dad allowed her the freedon to bring us up in whichever way she chose, he never interfered or criticised her in any way. When our nan expressed concern one time about how we were being treated, Dad told her politely but firmly not to interfere. Mum was a strict disciplinarian with a quick temper and little patience, whereas Dad was kinder and more relaxed. We certainly grew up knowing right from wrong, but probably behaved well out of fear of Mum's temper. In addition, Mum seemed completely unable to express any kind of positive emotion, so we grew up in an environment that was totally devoid of love and affection. Apart from the necessities of feeding and changing us, she went out of her way to avoid any kind of physical contact. I don't remember her ever hugging or cuddling us, sitting us on her lap, and in over 50 years she has never said "I love you". I can't remember her ever playing with us, reading us stories or even talking to us very much. We were just there, but there was no bond between us, it felt like we were a nuisance or a burden rather than a joy to her. Feelings and emotions were a completely taboo subject in our house, never expressed and never talked about. I can remember coming downstairs one morning all happy and smiley, and Mum immediately saying something to wipe the smile off my face (she knew exactly which buttons to press), and if I was unhappy she would taunt me and call me names for being miserable. On birthdays, Christmas and holidays she would make an effort to be nice to us, but it always seemed false and "put on". After Christmases and birthdays we would write thank you letters, and I was always told to put "with love from" at the end of each letter, but they were just words, I had no idea what they meant. We lived with a constant stream of criticism and humiliation, being unfavourably compared with other people's children, which undermined my confidence and self worth, and made building relationships with others very difficult.I became very shy and introverted and found it difficult to express myself verbally. I don't remember you and I playing together or interacting very much when we were young, Mum probably discouraged it. We had separate rooms and separate, very traditional, boys and girls toys, but we had the usual sibling rivalries and arguments. By our late teens, we had grown up and reached the point where we were getting on really well. Then you left home to go to college and we pretty much lost touch.

I guess like most children, we accepted what went on in our house as normal. It was only when I reached my teens and started spending time at friends' houses that I realised that something was very wrong. I slept over at a friend's house one weekend when I was about 14. She was the eldest of 3 sisters, and at bedtime all three girls hugged and kissed both their parents goodnight. I watched this in bewilderment, wondering what on earth they were doing, as I had never experienced this behaviour before. This was the point at which my mental health began to fall apart and by the age of 16 I was suffering regular bouts of severe depression. I knew that just one hug from my Mum would put it all right, just to be loved and accepted, and to feel that I "belonged". But I knew that would never happen. When we were teenagers, it felt like we were four individual people who just happened to live in the same house. There was no connection between us, no sense of family. I felt isolated and alone, adrift and with no connection to any other human being. It was a frightening place to be. I often wondered if I was adopted as I never felt like I belonged.
Dad seemed to go along with all this without question or even noticing that anything was awry. He backed Mum up if she was telling us off, and sometimes disciplined us himself. I never witnessed any show of love or affection between Mum and Dad, no hugs, kisses or hand holding. Indeed Mum viewed all that with disdain, as though it were a sign of weakness. Sometimes if Dad was playing with us or just being nice to us, Mum would put a stop to it saying he was "far too soft on those kids". He never really stood up to her or defended us. Mum could be cruel to Dad too. One of her favourite tricks was, if they were due to go out somewhere, she would constantly needle him with comments and criticisms to the point where he would lose his temper with her and they would have a row. She would then be all sweetness and light when they went out and Dad would be in a foul mood because of her, and it would ruin the occasion for all three of us.
Although Mum told me several times that she didn't like girls and never wanted a daughter, we were always treated alike, there was no favouritism. I think the only difference was in their expectation of our education and careers. Being a boy and needing a career (in their opinion) he was encouraged to do well and go to college etc. whereas according to Mum all I needed to know was how to cook, knit and sew. I must have been a great disappointment to her as I hated knitting and sewing, although I can cook!

With you out of the picture for a number of years, the family dynamic changed dramatically when I had my children. It was like flicking a switch, Mum changed overnight and all the love and affection that had been denied to us was poured out on them, a situation I found incredibly hard to deal with.

I was delighted when you came back into our lives and hope now that we will always keep in touch and remain friends.
Sis.