HI JM

Sorry your are not feeling up to par today. I have to say I agree with

quote:

I just want to ride on auto pilot for a while. I'm tired of processing. to it all!

I feel exactly the same way. My session on Monday was pretty good and thus far this week I am just riding the wave and going with the flow.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

Kats

quote:

Actually, I am still sick and it's more of a "I want my mommy" kind of feeling. I wondered if I called and left my T a voice mail to that effect how that would go over.

JM

Ya know, from what you have said about your T I think it would have been fine. During the summer I had to have some "womanly" tests done and I was pretty freaked out. I called my T because I really did want my mommy and I didn't want to talk to anyone else. She was very understanding and helped me through it.


It took me a long time to realize that I didn't have to go to my session with an agenda. I used to think it was up to me to make the session "go right." I still kind of get that feeling some times, but I know I'm wrong. Sometimes it goes better when she brings things up instead of me.

Take good care of yourself and get better.

PL

JM,
Gotta love those first 24 hours, I'm in it too. But a break from processing sounds like a good idea.

And if you think you feel funny, how would you like wanting your mommy, then calling your male T? Hmm, maybe it's good I didn't mention the mommy part, might not have been very good for his ego.

AG

quote:

Sometimes it goes better when she brings things up instead of me.

I think my T is a firm believer in leaving me in charge of what we talk about. We can sit in silence for a long time and she won't bring anything up. I've even asked her to and she still can somehow put it back on me. She does that talking in circles thing a lot - I'll ask a question and whatever "answer" I get, when I think about it later, really had nothing to do with the question at all. And of course it always leads back to her asking me a question. I am hoping someday I will be present enough and not anxious that I'll actually catch her doing this. I usually don't have any clue until way later.

I've been thinking and journaling a lot about my feelings last night. I was desiring to be with my T to fill my maternal longings and with the complete accessiblitly that a daughter would have. To just sit on the couch and share thoughts and ideas of our philosphies on life and good books we've read. And then I had a light bulb moment this mornng.

Perhaps what I really want is to just spend time with her with "my guard down" while being completely content with what I already have. (There's THAT light bulb)

What I have with her is true and authentic, rich and deep. I've been feeling very content this morning as I've been journaling. It isn't blah, it's just contentment and I'm not used to that. Because everytime I think about calling her to have that connection I'm aware it's already there. I hear myself say, “I want to hear you say you care for me.” I already know she does and she has demonstrated it quite well. "I want to hear you say I am important to you." I already know that to. "I want to hear you say you love me." There's really no doubt in my mind that she loves me in a very appropriate way and in just the way I need her to. So I haven't called because I already have what I need. The connection feels very tangible. I welcome this to stay with me all week. Obviously this is mine for eternity, but what I am saying is I just want to feel it consistently without disruption from every thing else that could come up. My nervous system needs a vacation.
__________
Ah! I can vision it now, lying on a warm sandy beach with a tropical breeze gently shaking the palm branches in the background. The sun warming a newly tan complexion, no fear of wearing that bikini and looking down right hot if I say so myself. But is it wrong to see it sipping an umbrella drink? I suppose it could be non-alcoholic.
__________

As for that mother/daughter yearning; She has told me that I can satisfy that desire with my own daughter. I already have a very special and loving bond with my daughter and those emotions are very accessible but on the opposite end of the spectrum. I can't help but smile at the truthfulness of that. Yes, I still want to feel it from the daughter's perspective. Perhaps that will continue to subside or maybe it will always be a tug, but with much less force than I've known up to now.

So bottom line: I feel content, not blah!

quote:

As for that mother/daughter yearning; She has told me that I can satisfy that desire with my own daughter. I already have a very special and loving bond with my daughter and those emotions are very accessible but on the opposite end of the spectrum. I can't help but smile at the truthfulness of that. Yes, I still want to feel it from the daughter's perspective. Perhaps that will continue to subside or maybe it will always be a tug, but with much less force than I've known up to now.

Oh JM!

I completely understand this! My T and I have had that conversation too and while I have an incredibly close bond with my daughter (she's 21), I still want to be the daughter to someone. I have also had the conversation that now that my parents have both passed away, I don't feel related to anyone. I know that my kids are related to me, but I want someone on the other end. Someone from my past as a child. Sometimes I seem to forget that I have a past.

I am so happy that you are feeling content right now. It is so nice to get a breather from the intense feelings that we carry. I hope this will last for a very long time for you. I I know also that I carry all the things that I need from my T, I just have to remind myself of that. Thanks for the reminder!

PL

JM,
That is really awesome to hear you in that place. You've worked so hard and been through so many dark places to get here. I love the sound of your security.

I hope it lasts a really long time. But the best part is that now that you've experienced it, even if you don't always feel this way, you'll know that you'll feel this way again. I really liked what you said about the relationship being eternal. It's a part of you now and who you are and always will be. Thank you for sharing this joy with us.

AG

JM -

I can feel the contentness oozing from your post, I am very happy for you.

Your post reminds me of what my T said just this morning... when you feel a connection (usually a parent) and feel that unconditional love and acceptance, it stays with you even when that person isn't around or isn't there anymore. You just feel it so deeply that it is part of what gives you the confidence to go out on your own and live your life. She said if you didn't have that growing up it doesn't mean you can't find it as an adult. It seems to me you've found it, and that you are accepting it.

OW