I would just like to go on record of saying that I despise therapy, boundaries, feelings and this process in general. And by despise, I mean hate, loathe, detest and abhor.
-CT
Original Post
Replies sorted oldest to newest
CT
Oh yeah...sounds like 'panic' is on you...not a pretty interaction is it this therapy stuff?
L
Oh yeah...sounds like 'panic' is on you...not a pretty interaction is it this therapy stuff?
L
Thanks HB and LOS.
No, it's not pretty and there is nothing anyone can do. I just keep running full speed into the brick wall that is my T.
I find her boundaries cause me to feel rejected and offended. I feel ashamed for asking her for things and for telling her about my unattractive and inappropriate thoughts. I feel stupid, childish, immature, worthless and angry. What's more is I feel like I disappoint her just by being me and wanting her to be my mother. I think she is tired of me asking for that- she is getting firmer with me and it feels awful and scary. I really just want to pull away from her.
-CT
No, it's not pretty and there is nothing anyone can do. I just keep running full speed into the brick wall that is my T.
I find her boundaries cause me to feel rejected and offended. I feel ashamed for asking her for things and for telling her about my unattractive and inappropriate thoughts. I feel stupid, childish, immature, worthless and angry. What's more is I feel like I disappoint her just by being me and wanting her to be my mother. I think she is tired of me asking for that- she is getting firmer with me and it feels awful and scary. I really just want to pull away from her.
-CT
Why did I ever say anything to my T? Why did I ever ask her for a hug? She doesn’t want me near her- much less to touch her- and I know that. If I would have thought about it for half a minute, I would have stopped myself, but no- I just opened my stupid, immature f***ing mouth without thinking.
I knew it wasn’t safe to tell her the things I instinctively want or think about. I only ever want inappropriate things and she confirmed that, LOUDLY AND CLEARLY. What is wrong with me? Why did I let my guard down…I knew she wouldn’t like or approve of the real me. I should have known she was going to be pissed. That’s just what happens when I make my wants known. THIS IS WHY I DON’T LIKE WANTING THINGS. Does anybody understand that? It hurts so much less to never want anything then it does to want the stupid, inappropriate things I want and get reactions like I got from her. The things I want are always bad and just end up with me feeling stupid, embarrassed and ashamed.
I am such a f***ing child- oh, pardon me, I mean, several F***ING CHILDREN. And the most functional part of me is, according to her, just a “pseudo-adult-” wow. So there is actually NO part of me that knows what the f*** its doing. No wonder I can’t manage to have anything good without ruining it, breaking it or destroying it; not even a relationship with someone I am paying to tolerate me. I couldn’t even have good relationship with my mother, and that is the most basic thing of all. So I guess I can count out actual meaningful, long-lasting relationships and God. I mean, she even made a point of saying that spirituality is just something I have managed to tack on to the tail of my dysfunction.
So why do I even keep showing up? I am hopeless and will never amount to anything remotely functional- she has to know that by now, so why does she waste her time putting up with me? I know the money isn’t that great. Maybe she just wants a challenge… or to watch me flounder… or to get a kick out of how f***ed up I am.
And she wants to talk about me hugging her turning into a game if she were to let it happen… well, what is this whole process? I feel like I am chasing myself around the office while she sits there, looking on, knowing the right answers all along, but letting me “lead” just to see how many wrong directions I will go in before I just give up completely. Is that what she wants? For me to just throw up my hands and say okay, I’m done, the end?
Maybe I am destined to kill myself like my mother- slowly, painfully and with an impartial, dispassionate audience. Maybe that is what God has in store for me and I am too naïve- too stupid- to see it yet. At least my mother got high and didn’t KNOW she was killing herself 90% of the time. What good am I to anyone anyway? I am either a burden or, at best, a coincidental convenience- nothing more. Why make others feel the way my mother made me feel- like they have to constantly be careful, mindful and responsible around me. I don’t want to be that person but I am. That is all I am. I am selfish, preoccupied with my past and unproductive. I help no one, give nothing and take way too much. I am parasitic. This is not who I want to be, but I can’t change. It’s been a year of trying to change and I am worse off then when I started. I can’t even do therapy productively.
I knew it wasn’t safe to tell her the things I instinctively want or think about. I only ever want inappropriate things and she confirmed that, LOUDLY AND CLEARLY. What is wrong with me? Why did I let my guard down…I knew she wouldn’t like or approve of the real me. I should have known she was going to be pissed. That’s just what happens when I make my wants known. THIS IS WHY I DON’T LIKE WANTING THINGS. Does anybody understand that? It hurts so much less to never want anything then it does to want the stupid, inappropriate things I want and get reactions like I got from her. The things I want are always bad and just end up with me feeling stupid, embarrassed and ashamed.
I am such a f***ing child- oh, pardon me, I mean, several F***ING CHILDREN. And the most functional part of me is, according to her, just a “pseudo-adult-” wow. So there is actually NO part of me that knows what the f*** its doing. No wonder I can’t manage to have anything good without ruining it, breaking it or destroying it; not even a relationship with someone I am paying to tolerate me. I couldn’t even have good relationship with my mother, and that is the most basic thing of all. So I guess I can count out actual meaningful, long-lasting relationships and God. I mean, she even made a point of saying that spirituality is just something I have managed to tack on to the tail of my dysfunction.
So why do I even keep showing up? I am hopeless and will never amount to anything remotely functional- she has to know that by now, so why does she waste her time putting up with me? I know the money isn’t that great. Maybe she just wants a challenge… or to watch me flounder… or to get a kick out of how f***ed up I am.
And she wants to talk about me hugging her turning into a game if she were to let it happen… well, what is this whole process? I feel like I am chasing myself around the office while she sits there, looking on, knowing the right answers all along, but letting me “lead” just to see how many wrong directions I will go in before I just give up completely. Is that what she wants? For me to just throw up my hands and say okay, I’m done, the end?
Maybe I am destined to kill myself like my mother- slowly, painfully and with an impartial, dispassionate audience. Maybe that is what God has in store for me and I am too naïve- too stupid- to see it yet. At least my mother got high and didn’t KNOW she was killing herself 90% of the time. What good am I to anyone anyway? I am either a burden or, at best, a coincidental convenience- nothing more. Why make others feel the way my mother made me feel- like they have to constantly be careful, mindful and responsible around me. I don’t want to be that person but I am. That is all I am. I am selfish, preoccupied with my past and unproductive. I help no one, give nothing and take way too much. I am parasitic. This is not who I want to be, but I can’t change. It’s been a year of trying to change and I am worse off then when I started. I can’t even do therapy productively.
CT -
Sounds like you're having a really rough time right now. I wish I could make your pain go away.
I can tell you, that I don't believe this for one second:
I remember one night just a week or so ago I was online with my chat window open and you came along and gave of yourself, spent probably more time than your really wanted to, and really helped me out. I was feeling down, alone, and hopeless, and you were able to bring me back.
You're strong, intelligent, generous, and very reasonable, and I'm glad you're around.
OW
Sounds like you're having a really rough time right now. I wish I could make your pain go away.
I can tell you, that I don't believe this for one second:
quote:I help no one, give nothing and take way too much.
I remember one night just a week or so ago I was online with my chat window open and you came along and gave of yourself, spent probably more time than your really wanted to, and really helped me out. I was feeling down, alone, and hopeless, and you were able to bring me back.
You're strong, intelligent, generous, and very reasonable, and I'm glad you're around.
OW
First... OW... I'm glad to see you post. I know you haven't been around much and I've been wondering how you are doing. I realize we need to take breaks from the board occassionally so I understand.
CT... I just want to say I'm sorry you are hurting so much. And to echo you do give to this Board and I appreciate reading your take on things and your point of view. So please don't stop posting. You are not selfish and we are all preoccupied with our pasts... because we are trying to understand and resolve it. It's only natural.
As for wanting the hug...that was not a bad thing to want. It's a normal human need to want a hug from someone we care about. I would hope your T would be very careful and sensitive while explaining her policy on hugs. It's a hard thing to hear no to that request and why I have not had the courage to ask my T for one. After a year I just managed to shake his hand twice and that was very scary for me. Please don't feel ashamed for asking for a hug or a kindness from your T. I think it 's an important part of therapy to learn to ask for what you need. We never learned to do this as children because our needs were never met and we learned it was painful and or dangerous to make our needs known to our caretakers so we learned to deny our needs to stuff them down. But that does not work forever and it just leads us into therapy.
You are not destined to be like your mother. That's why you are in therapy. YOU are going to break the cycle. You are going to get well and find caring and happiness. It's a painful process with a lot of bumps... I know because I've been bumping along for a year now. They tell me it gets really hard before it gets better and even if we think we are not making any progress we are. It's just in very tiny increments.
So please hang in there and know that your presence here is much appreciated.
TN
CT... I just want to say I'm sorry you are hurting so much. And to echo you do give to this Board and I appreciate reading your take on things and your point of view. So please don't stop posting. You are not selfish and we are all preoccupied with our pasts... because we are trying to understand and resolve it. It's only natural.
As for wanting the hug...that was not a bad thing to want. It's a normal human need to want a hug from someone we care about. I would hope your T would be very careful and sensitive while explaining her policy on hugs. It's a hard thing to hear no to that request and why I have not had the courage to ask my T for one. After a year I just managed to shake his hand twice and that was very scary for me. Please don't feel ashamed for asking for a hug or a kindness from your T. I think it 's an important part of therapy to learn to ask for what you need. We never learned to do this as children because our needs were never met and we learned it was painful and or dangerous to make our needs known to our caretakers so we learned to deny our needs to stuff them down. But that does not work forever and it just leads us into therapy.
You are not destined to be like your mother. That's why you are in therapy. YOU are going to break the cycle. You are going to get well and find caring and happiness. It's a painful process with a lot of bumps... I know because I've been bumping along for a year now. They tell me it gets really hard before it gets better and even if we think we are not making any progress we are. It's just in very tiny increments.
So please hang in there and know that your presence here is much appreciated.
TN
CT,
Just my two cents:
Wrong. The feedback you've given me and others on this forum is not the that of an immature person. It's the voice of an adult who can relate because she is also suffering.
Again, you've help me personally a lot here. As far as I know, I haven't given you anything in return other than a little feedback and some thanks. You haven't taken my money, my car, my time or anything else.
You might feel like a child, but you're not. You're an adult, suffering pain from childhood. The fact that you are feeling the pain that took place when you were a kid, it makes perfect sense that you feel like that kid at the moment. Trust me, you're not alone.
Really? I haven't seen any evidence of this at all. You function here as someone with tremendous insight, sympathy, empathy and caring. That's more functional and amounts to a lot more than a lot of people I know.
You are SO clearly not your mother, so why would you have her destiny? If you were your mother, I doubt you'd be here, in therapy or aware of how much pain your mother caused you. People who truly become their parents don't reject their parents and also aren't aware of how f-ed up their parents are/were.
Russ
Just my two cents:
quote:Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
immature...
Wrong. The feedback you've given me and others on this forum is not the that of an immature person. It's the voice of an adult who can relate because she is also suffering.
quote:Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
I help no one, give nothing and take way too much.
Again, you've help me personally a lot here. As far as I know, I haven't given you anything in return other than a little feedback and some thanks. You haven't taken my money, my car, my time or anything else.
quote:Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
I am such a f***ing child- oh, pardon me, I mean, several F***ING CHILDREN.
You might feel like a child, but you're not. You're an adult, suffering pain from childhood. The fact that you are feeling the pain that took place when you were a kid, it makes perfect sense that you feel like that kid at the moment. Trust me, you're not alone.
quote:Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
I am hopeless and will never amount to anything remotely functional
Really? I haven't seen any evidence of this at all. You function here as someone with tremendous insight, sympathy, empathy and caring. That's more functional and amounts to a lot more than a lot of people I know.
quote:Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
Maybe I am destined to kill myself like my mother- slowly, painfully and with an impartial, dispassionate audience. Maybe that is what God has in store for me and I am too naïve- too stupid- to see it yet.
You are SO clearly not your mother, so why would you have her destiny? If you were your mother, I doubt you'd be here, in therapy or aware of how much pain your mother caused you. People who truly become their parents don't reject their parents and also aren't aware of how f-ed up their parents are/were.
Russ
(((((((((CT))))))))))))
That was a cry of despair from the very center of your being. I am sorry that you are in such a painful place. I agree with all the reassurance you've received here but what I really want to say to you is do not despair. You will heal. It may take longer than you want, it will be incredibly confusing and painful, but you will get there. You are not doomed, nor are you powerless. Russ is right, if you were that powerless, you would never have made it to therapy in the first place.
And I deeply believe that God intends so much more for you than a long slow lingering death. I do believe that you have no way to see what is intended for you, but I know its not that. You are meant to live fully and not to be always in pain.
Don't give up; despair is NOT the end of your journey.
AG
That was a cry of despair from the very center of your being. I am sorry that you are in such a painful place. I agree with all the reassurance you've received here but what I really want to say to you is do not despair. You will heal. It may take longer than you want, it will be incredibly confusing and painful, but you will get there. You are not doomed, nor are you powerless. Russ is right, if you were that powerless, you would never have made it to therapy in the first place.
And I deeply believe that God intends so much more for you than a long slow lingering death. I do believe that you have no way to see what is intended for you, but I know its not that. You are meant to live fully and not to be always in pain.
Don't give up; despair is NOT the end of your journey.
AG
Thanks for the responses OW, TN, HB, Russ and AG. I'm doing better today. Not 100% or anything, but not wanting to die, which is always a good sign.
OW-
I'm glad I was able to help! Thanks for your words.
TN-
What's funny is I have asked for hugs before and understand her policy. I just keep asking. I think it's my way of making sure nothing has changed between us after I have been really emothional. But this last time, her tone changed and she sounded very firm. She said, "we have discussed this before." And that sent me into a tailspin. To me the different reaction meant something HAD changed between me and her and that she was therefore unpredictable. I don't know if that makes sense, but I am in the process of writing her a letter explaining it.
HB-
I don't know what that would be like. The validity of my wants have always been based on the responses I get from other people. Since I feel I always need to have people I care about approve of me and my actions, I get judgemental of my wants as soon as someone expresses disappointment or disapproval. It's like someone flips a self-hating switch in me and I spiral out of control.
What, needs are healthy? And so is craving love and acceptance?
I know I am supposed to be working on being more accepting of myself but I can't get past the "you don't deserve it" thoughts. I get stuck there everytime and don't know how to get around it.
Russ-
It's just so frustrating because growing up, I felt like an adult in a child's body and I was rewarded for it. But now that I'm an adult, I feel like a kid trapped in an adult's body. I feel like I'm growing up backwards and it is the most confusing thing.
Plus, I feel like if I would have raised myself properly the first time around, I wouldn't have to be doing all of this again.
AG-
Yeah... I was hoping to be done by now. I think that is part of what is bothering me lately. I will have been in therapy for a year at the end of this month and I feel worse off then I was before I started. I know I'm just more aware of it now, but it just feels bad to do all of this work and be falling apart... still.
Thanks again, everyone. I appreciate all of your support, even those of you who are out there reading and not responding. I'm sorry I haven't been very available to respond on the boards lately. I know a lot of us are in rough places right now, but I hope we can all find some peace amidst the chaos.
-CT
OW-
quote:I remember one night just a week or so ago I was online with my chat window open and you came along and gave of yourself, spent probably more time than your really wanted to, and really helped me out. I was feeling down, alone, and hopeless, and you were able to bring me back.
I'm glad I was able to help! Thanks for your words.
TN-
quote:It's a normal human need to want a hug from someone we care about. I would hope your T would be very careful and sensitive while explaining her policy on hugs.
What's funny is I have asked for hugs before and understand her policy. I just keep asking. I think it's my way of making sure nothing has changed between us after I have been really emothional. But this last time, her tone changed and she sounded very firm. She said, "we have discussed this before." And that sent me into a tailspin. To me the different reaction meant something HAD changed between me and her and that she was therefore unpredictable. I don't know if that makes sense, but I am in the process of writing her a letter explaining it.
HB-
quote:Just ask yourself a question, how would you be if you were able to ask for what you want without beating yourself up for wanting it in the first place? Really think about this, because the worst judgement i have heard in your post comes from you about yourself.
I don't know what that would be like. The validity of my wants have always been based on the responses I get from other people. Since I feel I always need to have people I care about approve of me and my actions, I get judgemental of my wants as soon as someone expresses disappointment or disapproval. It's like someone flips a self-hating switch in me and I spiral out of control.
quote:What if this parasitic part of you is what most needs YOUR love and acceptance? What if you held a hand of friendship out to yourself and understood the healthiness of the needs you have and the love and acceptance you crave?
What, needs are healthy? And so is craving love and acceptance?
I know I am supposed to be working on being more accepting of myself but I can't get past the "you don't deserve it" thoughts. I get stuck there everytime and don't know how to get around it. Russ-
quote:You might feel like a child, but you're not. You're an adult, suffering pain from childhood. The fact that you are feeling the pain that took place when you were a kid, it makes perfect sense that you feel like that kid at the moment. Trust me, you're not alone.
It's just so frustrating because growing up, I felt like an adult in a child's body and I was rewarded for it. But now that I'm an adult, I feel like a kid trapped in an adult's body. I feel like I'm growing up backwards and it is the most confusing thing.
Plus, I feel like if I would have raised myself properly the first time around, I wouldn't have to be doing all of this again. AG-
quote:You will heal. It may take longer than you want, it will be incredibly confusing and painful, but you will get there.
Yeah... I was hoping to be done by now. I think that is part of what is bothering me lately. I will have been in therapy for a year at the end of this month and I feel worse off then I was before I started. I know I'm just more aware of it now, but it just feels bad to do all of this work and be falling apart... still.
Thanks again, everyone. I appreciate all of your support, even those of you who are out there reading and not responding. I'm sorry I haven't been very available to respond on the boards lately. I know a lot of us are in rough places right now, but I hope we can all find some peace amidst the chaos.
-CT
quote:Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
Yeah... I was hoping to be done by now. I think that is part of what is bothering me lately. I will have been in therapy for a year at the end of this month and I feel worse off then I was before I started. I know I'm just more aware of it now, but it just feels bad to do all of this work and be falling apart... still.
-CT
CT,
I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better. You're not alone in your despair about where you are in therapy. For me, it will be a year in May...and I go three friggin' times a week. I feel worse now than I did in November. I keep saying to myself, "who the hell goes to therapy three times a week and is WORSE after 10 months?" It's just a really, really, really hellish process.
I've read somewhere that what we experience is "an insurgency of the soul," meaning that your true self, which you've been separated from for so long because of all the crap in your life, is now reasserting itself to make things right. And obviously, it can be pure hell.
Hang in there.
Russ
Guys,
I have one thing to say. TWENTY YEARS!!! Two zero, 20 years and counting. I understand your frustration but please it took me the first year to make eye contact.
But seriously, a year may seem like a long time in therapy but it's not really. I mean how many YEARS of neglect and/or abuse occurred to lay down these bad patterns and false beliefs. You're re-wiring your brains to avoid deep well worn pathways and it takes going over the same ground again and again EMOTIONALLY (not cognitively, this isn't about how smart you are!) until the new pattern is stronger and more of an attractor than the old one.
And of course it gets worse!! Do you really think that you avoid something for most of your lifetime because it's pleasant?!?! But now you're in pain and moving forward ( even if you can't see it or feel it right now) instead of being in pain and just trying to hold it down.
To quote my T "how about instead of hating yourself for how your feeling, we look at it to see what it means and what you can learn about yourself from it."
I love you all very much and respect you even more but I'm about to go on a rampage with the HTML slapper!!
You have had enough in your lives of being judged and condemned for your LEGITIMATE and HEALTHY feelings and needs. Cut yourself some slack, it's time someone did!!
And if you persist in saying it's taking too long just think what you're saying about me.
AG
I have one thing to say. TWENTY YEARS!!! Two zero, 20 years and counting. I understand your frustration but please it took me the first year to make eye contact.
But seriously, a year may seem like a long time in therapy but it's not really. I mean how many YEARS of neglect and/or abuse occurred to lay down these bad patterns and false beliefs. You're re-wiring your brains to avoid deep well worn pathways and it takes going over the same ground again and again EMOTIONALLY (not cognitively, this isn't about how smart you are!) until the new pattern is stronger and more of an attractor than the old one.
And of course it gets worse!! Do you really think that you avoid something for most of your lifetime because it's pleasant?!?! But now you're in pain and moving forward ( even if you can't see it or feel it right now) instead of being in pain and just trying to hold it down.
To quote my T "how about instead of hating yourself for how your feeling, we look at it to see what it means and what you can learn about yourself from it."
I love you all very much and respect you even more but I'm about to go on a rampage with the HTML slapper!!
You have had enough in your lives of being judged and condemned for your LEGITIMATE and HEALTHY feelings and needs. Cut yourself some slack, it's time someone did!!
And if you persist in saying it's taking too long just think what you're saying about me.
AG
quote:Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
Guys,
I have one thing to say. TWENTY YEARS!!! Two zero, 20 years and counting. I understand your frustration but please it took me the first year to make eye contact.
AG
Well, AG, 20 years would explain your depth of knowledge on this topic. I was curious to know how on Earth you know so much.
.There's a couple of factors contributing to my impatience and desperation at this point.
1) I am profoundly uncomfortable and distressed on an almost daily basis; intense fear/anxiety, agitation, crappy sleep, etc., so I am desperate for relief and,
2) as an American, I want to be fixed now, damn it. I have a life to live, stuff to do, and this emotional breakdown business is seriously screwing up my plans. Seriously.
quote:...how about instead of hating yourself for how your feeling, we look at it to see what it means and what you can learn about yourself from it."
Wow, that sounds VERY familiar.
BTW, you might want to switch to a PHP or Flash slapper. HTML is static and not very interactive.
Russ
quote:To me the different reaction meant something HAD changed between me and her and that she was therefore unpredictable. I don't know if that makes sense, but I am in the process of writing her a letter explaining it.
CT... this resonated with me and makes perfect sense. I just had this happen with my T. I see him on Monday and my son sees him for therapy on another day of the week. When I'm there with my young son I usually have a few minutes alone with my T to discuss what's been happening w/the family and my son and any school issues etc... and yes, even sometimes we will clarify something that happened in session on Monday. It's usually only 15 minutes of time but it's a moment to connect with him. Well this week he strolled out to get us in receiption and he basically looked right past me to my son and started talking to him and took him right into his office. I felt like he wanted to ignore me and was acting cold and distant. I then (of course) figured I had done something wrong, I had pissed him off in some way or said something out of line....you can tell my mind was going in 20 different directions. By the next day I was in tears convinced that he was really angry with me for something. So I decided to call him and ask because I didn't want to wait until Monday's session to find out. Turns out he was not mad at me at all and he immediately understood why I had come to that conclusion. It was the break in routine, the fact that he changed something that now made him seem unpredicatable and I couldn't trust my perception of what had happened. When someone in therapy has attachment issues any change in routine or predicatability threatens the connection with our T and we react very negatively to that. I think he gets that now LOL. So I completely understand your feelings. When your T said "we have discussed that before" was she using a mean or harsh tone? Did she "look" angry with you? Or was her tone neutral? And if it was not said in a neutral tone then perhaps she was just having a bad day and was not upset with you at all. You do need to ask her and to talk about her answer to you.
Oh and BTW, I just passed my one year in therapy date and I don't feel that I'm anywhere near the end or that it has been too long. My T and I discussed this issue and he has assured me that however long it takes me... well that is how long it takes. And he said that even though I don't think I've made any progress that I have, he sees it but I don't. It's just that the progess is in tiny increments.
I think that as long as you continue to talk to your T and be open about your issues then you are doing the work you need to do.
I'm gld to hear you are feeling a little bit better.
TN
quote:I mean how many YEARS of neglect and/or abuse occurred to lay down these bad patterns and false beliefs.
Good point. I often forget that.
quote:as an American, I want to be fixed now, damn it. I have a life to live, stuff to do, and this emotional breakdown business is seriously screwing up my plans. Seriously.
HAHAHA Me too! Instant gratification! My T insists that this is a "process" but me and processes don't really get along well. The other day when I complaining about something taking too long she said "just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's not the answer."
The nerve of that woman!quote:When your T said "we have discussed that before" was she using a mean or harsh tone? Did she "look" angry with you? Or was her tone neutral? And if it was not said in a neutral tone then perhaps she was just having a bad day and was not upset with you at all. You do need to ask her and to talk about her answer to you.
I wouldn't say her tone was mean, but it was different. It was like a stern mother. But you have to understand that my mother didn't have a stern tone. She had nice-mom, high-mom and super-angry-mean-abusive-mom. I was ALWAYS on the look out for what was going to happen next and any shift in tone was a HUGE red flag. If my mom's tone got lower, like my T's did, then something bad... very bad was about to happen. It really threw me into panic/withdrawal mode and I felt like I needed to get away as fast as possible. I'm not sure if my T was frustrated because I asked again or what, but i don't think she knew what that shift was going to do to me! Anyway, I will talk to her about it on Wednesday and let her know how much it scared/ bothered me.
BTW-
quote:you might want to switch to a PHP or Flash slapper. HTML is static and not very interactive.
HAHAHHAHHAHAHa
-CT
Rejection is hard for us especially when we were rejected and abandoned by our mothers. Sort of like....... as a child needing moms holding, love and physical warmth, tender words. We cried and often tantrumed when mom left us ........
Maybe perhaps this might be what you are experiencing. Needing the warmth and reassurance of your mother via your therapist. Beause of your sensitivity you might be more apt to be cautious when asking for nurturing and pull away in pain when that happens. We reinact old relationsips in the present (transference)
Its easy to say we are shit heads, idiots, bla bla bla,,,,,,,,,, in reality we aren't. SELF BLAME "I shouldnt have asked". Caught up in a cycle of self blame offering ourselves with little to no compassion. After all might that have been what we received as a child? Lies told to us
I hate rejection from therapists. I ask....... "Why am I feeling like I want to hug you? What meaning does it have." I just want to shake them
I am not your therapist...... but I will give "all of you" a big hug ((((((((((((CT)))))))))))))))
Wiz
Wiz
Maybe perhaps this might be what you are experiencing. Needing the warmth and reassurance of your mother via your therapist. Beause of your sensitivity you might be more apt to be cautious when asking for nurturing and pull away in pain when that happens. We reinact old relationsips in the present (transference)
Its easy to say we are shit heads, idiots, bla bla bla,,,,,,,,,, in reality we aren't. SELF BLAME "I shouldnt have asked". Caught up in a cycle of self blame offering ourselves with little to no compassion. After all might that have been what we received as a child? Lies told to us
I hate rejection from therapists. I ask....... "Why am I feeling like I want to hug you? What meaning does it have." I just want to shake them
I am not your therapist...... but I will give "all of you" a big hug ((((((((((((CT)))))))))))))))
Wiz
Wiz
quote:Rejection is hard for us especially when we were rejected and abandoned by our mothers. Sort of like....... as a child needing moms holding, love and physical warmth, tender words. We cried and often tantrumed when mom left us ........
Maybe perhaps this might be what you are experiencing. Needing the warmth and reassurance of your mother via your therapist. Beause of your sensitivity you might be more apt to be cautious when asking for nurturing and pull away in pain when that happens. We reinact old relationsips in the present (transference)
Its easy to say we are shit heads, idiots, bla bla bla,,,,,,,,,, in reality we aren't. SELF BLAME "I shouldnt have asked". Caught up in a cycle of self blame offering ourselves with little to no compassion. After all might that have been what we received as a child? Lies told to us
I hate rejection from therapists. I ask....... "Why am I feeling like I want to hug you? What meaning does it have." I just want to shake them
I am not your therapist...... but I will give "all of you" a big hug ((((((((((((CT)))))))))))))))
Wiz
Wiz
Thanks Wiz. (((Wiz)))
Yes, there are feelings of rejection with my T. And yes, I definitely pull away from her when I feel rejected and fall into beating up on myself for "not being good enough." One of my favs is "if she cared about me she would _________!" Fill in the blank with whatever the need of the week is.
And yes, I am definitely acting out with her what I acted out with my mother. It is also what my mother acted out with my dad too. This is the only way I learned to operate and it is so instinctive. Very hard to change!
-CT
Such powerful teachers they are!
Wiz
Wiz
**UPDATE**
I no longer hate therapy! Yea!!
My session went well today... have I ever mentioned that I love my T... in the most appropriate way possible of course...
In all seriousness though, it really was a good session. We didn't stir anything new up, but we talked through what happened this last week... where I went emotionally, why I went there and how my reaction wasn't very accurate for the situation (DUH?). We also talked about my desire to know all the answers before I get to her each week and how she wants me to figure things out WITH her, not report to her all the time on things I've determined/worked my ass of to figure out while I was away from her. Apparently I can leave this stuff in therapy, live my life AND come back to it each week... hmmm... interesting. Unfortunately, I don't like not knowing the answers and that is part of what has bothered me recently since we have been discovering some things that were below my level of awareness. She kindly (and very T-like) pointed out that if therapy was what I expected it was going to be all along, I wouldn't need her... damn, I still don't like it when she's right sometimes!
I also asked her point-blank if she was frustrated with me for having to repeat herself over and over and she said no. I then asked if she would tell me if she was and she said yes, she tells people that all the time! I was NOT expecting that answer! I think I laughed out loud actually... I didn't think T's got to say if they were frustrated with the people they see! I also talked to her about my sensitivity to tone and asked her if I could just ask everyone around me to speak in monotone voices... and umm, well... she said that she would actually encourage everyone to use AS MUCH inflection with me as possible so that I will learn that changes in tone are okay and they don't all mean something terrible is going to happen... SCARY! NO THANK YOU! I still get that rush of impending doom like I used to when my mom was about to go off when someone's voice gets really low... but did you all know that I don't have to keep judging experiences based off of the way things were with my mother? AND I don't have to hide when I get scared because she isn't going to come after me anymore! If only I can manage to remember that...
Anyway, it was one of those appointments where I got some clarification about some things that have been bothering me, but also just sat quietly with her some too. It wasn't awkward silence though, it was like good, just-feeling-safe silence. I like that kind of silence.
Oh, btw Russ, I wanted to let you know that I used your "because I'm an American" line on my T today when I was telling her that I wanted this process to go quicker! She rolled her eyes and just smiled at me... she keeps insisting that this stuff will move at it's own pace, no matter how often I see her or how much I think about it. She says the only thing that can be altered is the intensity, but the actual process can't be sped up. DAMN IT! And, apparently it is possible to have a life AND be in therapy... I'll believe THAT ONE when I see it!
Thanks for all the support you guys!
-CT
I no longer hate therapy! Yea!!
My session went well today... have I ever mentioned that I love my T... in the most appropriate way possible of course...
In all seriousness though, it really was a good session. We didn't stir anything new up, but we talked through what happened this last week... where I went emotionally, why I went there and how my reaction wasn't very accurate for the situation (DUH?). We also talked about my desire to know all the answers before I get to her each week and how she wants me to figure things out WITH her, not report to her all the time on things I've determined/worked my ass of to figure out while I was away from her. Apparently I can leave this stuff in therapy, live my life AND come back to it each week... hmmm... interesting. Unfortunately, I don't like not knowing the answers and that is part of what has bothered me recently since we have been discovering some things that were below my level of awareness. She kindly (and very T-like) pointed out that if therapy was what I expected it was going to be all along, I wouldn't need her... damn, I still don't like it when she's right sometimes!
I also asked her point-blank if she was frustrated with me for having to repeat herself over and over and she said no. I then asked if she would tell me if she was and she said yes, she tells people that all the time! I was NOT expecting that answer! I think I laughed out loud actually... I didn't think T's got to say if they were frustrated with the people they see! I also talked to her about my sensitivity to tone and asked her if I could just ask everyone around me to speak in monotone voices... and umm, well... she said that she would actually encourage everyone to use AS MUCH inflection with me as possible so that I will learn that changes in tone are okay and they don't all mean something terrible is going to happen...
SCARY! NO THANK YOU! I still get that rush of impending doom like I used to when my mom was about to go off when someone's voice gets really low... but did you all know that I don't have to keep judging experiences based off of the way things were with my mother? AND I don't have to hide when I get scared because she isn't going to come after me anymore! If only I can manage to remember that...Anyway, it was one of those appointments where I got some clarification about some things that have been bothering me, but also just sat quietly with her some too. It wasn't awkward silence though, it was like good, just-feeling-safe silence. I like that kind of silence.
Oh, btw Russ, I wanted to let you know that I used your "because I'm an American" line on my T today when I was telling her that I wanted this process to go quicker! She rolled her eyes and just smiled at me... she keeps insisting that this stuff will move at it's own pace, no matter how often I see her or how much I think about it. She says the only thing that can be altered is the intensity, but the actual process can't be sped up. DAMN IT!
And, apparently it is possible to have a life AND be in therapy... I'll believe THAT ONE when I see it!Thanks for all the support you guys!
-CT
quote:Originally posted by Chronically
Oh, btw Russ, I wanted to let you know that I used your "because I'm an American" line on my T today when I was telling her that I wanted this process to go quicker! She rolled her eyes and just smiled at me... she keeps insisting that this stuff will move at it's own pace, no matter how often I see her or how much I think about it. She says the only thing that can be altered is the intensity, but the actual process can't be sped up. DAMN IT!
Thanks for all the support you guys!
-CT
CT,
So glad to hear you're doing/feeling better. It's amazing how one good session can turn things around!
I think your T speaks the truth about the process going at it's own pace, and that you can't force it. I guess the challenge is to survive while the stuff does it's thing. Like you, I've been going through a really rough stretch lately; really bad fear 24/7, which of course is really depressing. It can be tough to accept this idea and to be patient when it seems so relentless.
Anyway, glad things are looking up for you. I know we were all worried for you.
Russ