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just kind of hanging

L lieseMember
So I'm just kind of hanging tonight, a bit seized by some fear. It's not bad. I don't feel bad. I know what's going on. But I'm basically paralzyed for the moment. I freaked out on T yet again on Thursday and told him that I'm ready to do this on my own, that I can now, that I'm getting really good at it.

He asked, "you know why you are doing this, don't you?" And then he recounted my miserable life for me and told me that I'm just scared but that he's not going anywhere and I don't have to push him away. He said that it's okay, we can take 3 steps forward and 1 or 2 steps back and that's okay. That in addition to my history, he and I have a history. And he understands that.

So, T held his own. He proved to be steady. Now I have to go back. Hence the fear today and tonight as time marches closer to my session on Monday.

It felt good to know that he's there with me, that he's not going to emotionally abandon me. But then I'm still left with all my fears. There's a part of me that thinks, oh, just go now, just cut all your losses and get out of there. Then there's the part of me that wants to get closer and closer and closer. And the two parts fight like the devil.

It's as if I fight against stability. I pull the rug out first and keep things unstable. As much as I want security. As much as I need security.

I had drawn a picture for T some months back. 2 pictures actually. They were both of my house and my immediate environment and how I feel when I step out of the house. In the one, when I am NOT feeling connected to him, there are landmines everywhere and the potential for me to step on one. In the other, I drew how I felt when I DO feel connected to him. There are landmines but fewer of them. Safer places to step.

My thought today is that I am the one putting the landmines out there. Not really sure if that's true but I've been so turbulent with T lately that I can't help but give that a thought. I keep going in there and having these "explosions". Well, I didn't really explode on Thursday but basically said I was leaving and didn't need him anymore.

And, so I am blowing up the one stable thing in my life to protect myself, though it comes at such a high cost. Why am I doing this? Am I afraid of stability? Have I lost so much that I can't bear to lose any more? Am I afraid to love again?
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
He asked, "you know why you are doing this, don't you?" And then he recounted my miserable life for me and told me that I'm just scared but that he's not going anywhere and I don't have to push him away. He said that it's okay, we can take 3 steps forward and 1 or 2 steps back and that's okay. That in addition to my history, he and I have a history. And he understands that.


Liese...kudos to your T. He sounds more and more like my T. He really gets it Liese and you can trust him. He has come SUCH a long way since last year (of course you have too!).

The truth is you ARE just scared. When you start to feel closer to him you get scared. I do too. But they are being so consistent and understanding and then we have to be creative and find reasons to run from them. He is right, you can take steps backwards once in awhile and it's okay. And we both know that you don't really mean it when you say you don't need him anymore. You just figure you had better leave him before he leaves you. I do the exact same thing. But my T never moves, never wavers and he is there. And so it begins to feel less imperative that I run from him and feels easier to move closer to him.

Those two parts of you fighting like the devil is your disorganized attachment at work. Lovely, I know Brick wall

Sometimes when we are no longer punished by our long ago abusers we pick up for them and punish ourselves... in this case by denying yourself the relationship with your T that you so obviously want to have and by not allowing yourself to move closer to him. It takes a lot of time and a lot of this moving back and forth before you feel safer getting closer and closer because your T has not given you any reason to fear him or expect that he will suddenly become scary or abusive. Lots of repetition.

So hang in there Liese and keep going to see him and keep talking about this. It's a process this healing... and your T understands and trusts it. You have to trust it too. You will get there in time.

Hugs
TN

(back to homework)
navymenavymeMember
The more I read about your process, and the responses you make you my own battles... the more I feel like we have in common.

I don't generally pick fights with my T when I act out this way ... Generally it's creating an issue to apologize deeply and intently for, at the end or in the middle of an otherwise positive interaction.

It's almost like "Hey, this has gone really well, I've felt safe, content, heard and valued... Well, we should screw with that, shouldn't we?"

This is one of those things that when I bring up, my T smiles warmly and reminds me that it all makes sense and...reminds me of how she's kindof immune to it... that she can 'hear it' without absorbing it.

It sucks a little...because a big part of me really, REALLY feels -that- genuinely sorry for whatever I've made up... And then is confused about why it's not an issue.

But, that's when she reminds me that eventually, those parts of me will be able to understand that it is POSSIBLE to be loved, without needing to DO anything to receive that love.

I can't begin to describe how hard it is to 'hear' those things when she says them... But I try.

Hang in there - Try to believe them when they tell you their truths.
starfishstarfishMember
Liese,

quote:
There's a part of me that thinks, oh, just go now, just cut all your losses and get out of there.


Yep, yep, yep - I think that ALL the time, the fear of being hurt and abandoned again by someone important in your life is too much; I battle with the thought that it would be less painful in the long run ....yet logially I know it wouldn't be AND it won't happen, my T seems as steady as yours Wink

It takes alot of unpicking of past experiences that were so negative, to enable that sense of trust and safety to shine through, with lots of ups and downs in between. I have lost count of the number of times that particular scared part of me has told T that I was going to quit therapy ...and equally lost count of the number of times we have talked through how it is different NOW, it doesn't have to feel like it did then.

I really hope you can work through it - any tips, let me know too Wink

Big hug,

starfishy
L lieseMember
((((TN))))((((ECHO)))(((NAVYME))))(((STARFISH))))

Thanks guys for the support. We are wading into difficult waters and it's really hard sometimes. I'm sure you all know how this feels. I wouldn't intentionally go near this stuff except that I'm in therapy and this is what you are supposed to do. I am seeing the value in talking about something and talking about it again until that sense of guilt and/or shame dissipates.

On top of it, I did feel emotionally abandoned by him last year and so it's not really the physical part of it because I don't think he's ever retiring and has told me he has no plans to go anywhere. And I know he would never terminate me. So, it's just really learning to trust that he is going to be as emotionally steady as he promises he is going to be for me. More stuff to work through.



Liese
ravenravenMember
quote:
It's as if I fight against stability. I pull the rug out first and keep things unstable. As much as I want security. As much as I need security.


This line caught my attention. I just read in the book, "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron About what Buddhism calls Samsara. It's a hopeless cycle that goesvround and round endlessly and causes us to suffer greatly. I feel like I'm in this cycle all the time. Anyway, she says that the only time we know what's really going on is when the rug's been pulled out and we can't find anywhere to land. We use these situations to either wake us up or to put ourselves to sleep.

I know this doesn't exactly relate to what you posted, but it was pretty coincidental that your line immediately reminded me if what I had just read. Maybe the instability you cause is in itself a calling to wake up rather than going back to sleep. Realizing and being aware is a first step to waking up to our true selves in order to continue healing.

Hang in there Smiler many blessings to you!
number9number9Member
Liese,

I am feeling this way recently, and want to offer my support, although I'm deep in the midst of these thoughts myself.

Especially the thoughts about not becoming too complacent. Your drawings sound like some of the dreams that I have had, one variation of a similar theme.

Can I ask how long you have been with your current T?
L lieseMember
Number9, thanks for your support. I'm sorry you are feeling the same way, though misery loves company. I've been with my T for 4 wonderful turbulent years. In case that sounds really long, I saw him every other week for quite a long time until I fell apart.

LG<
quote:
Do you think you are testing him? Or that you are creating tension because thats what feels familiar to you?


Such good questions. Today I mentioned power struggles. They've always been a problem for me. I don't really know a lot about power struggles but I am imagine that they develop in the FOO with a parent who doesn't take control or doesn't take control consistently???? Not sure. Any thoughts out there?

When I mentioned "power struggles" T just smiled. I do feel like I was out of control emotionally lately and feel the need to get back into control. Things that have happened between T and I have caused me to wig out. Of course, I always go back and talk to him about it. Just threaten to quit. But I'm not really sure what it is about and would love to hear some thoughts on power struggles.

Thanks,

Liese

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