((((((((AH))))))))

Maybe the only thing to 'let go' of is contact with that someone who is non-protective and who minimizes what happened to you?

SB

((AH))

I can understand your frustration with this family member and their desire to get you to forgive and "let it go". You are the only person that can decide when if ever you will be willing to forgive your parents.

However, I do want to challenge you a bit. This therapy is a journey. Journey's have a beginning, middle, and eventually an end. I know in my therapy 20 years ago I had to come to a place of acceptance with the way my father had treated me. I passed through alot of stages to get there. And I don't think I can say I've forgiven him. But I accept that he is a damaged person and because of that he treated me wrong. I want to have some realtionship with him but not have him in my day to day life. We have for the most part been able to evolve to that point. When I'm in my healthier mind (not there currently) I don't let his beliefs/thoughts rule my life. He is just a sad damaged person that I have to accept is my father.

My challenge to you is do your best to keep moving forward in your journey. Do not get stuck and linger too long in the phase where you are consumed with anger/regret/hatred over what has happened. You will pass through those phases and that is ok, but do keep working to move onward.

Jillann

I think "letting go" is a confusing and difficult term really because it means something different to each person using it. I kind of find it a troubling term when it's used from one person to another, since "you really need to let go" is often code for "you being quiet would make it easier for me to continue living in denial"

Unfortunately your family member doesn't get to define what "letting go" means for you. As the person who was hurt, you get to decide how you want to relate to your family members, not them.

It is very, very sad that it's often the person who got hurt who ends up being labelled as being difficult because the family is too invested in keeping the status quo where it is. I am seeing this happening with a good friend of mine right now.

It might not be what your family member has in mind, but "letting go" of is the notion that you need to perform a certain role to keep your family happy, seems more appropriate to me . It is not your job to protect them from choices they made.

I'm sorry you got your buttons pushed. It seems like you got landed with a baggage dump. Your family member contact you, dumped their crap on you and left, probably feeling lighter because you're now carrying a whole load of their stuff. If you can, try and work on mentally handing it back. It's not yours.

(((AH)))

It sucks that you are being put in this position by this family member. Of course, his motive is because it would make his life easier if you did what he wanted. I have found with my mother that she had grieving of her own to do that she was avoiding by insisting that I keep my brother in my life the way she wanted me to. She needed to do the grieving herself. No one could make it easier for her. It was hard to watch at first but she seems to have come to a place of acceptance. That and her dementia has helped me deal with her demands better than in the past.

Your family member needs to let go of whatever "ideal" situation he is holding onto and do his own grieving. Life is hard. He will survive you honoring yourself and your needs.

(((s-b, jillann, mallard, liese)))

Thank you guys for the help, you each have very valid insight into this

(((s-b))) I feel like you are very right. My H actually said the exact same thing after he heard the entire conversation. It helps me to hear it from an outside perspective. What makes this all suck so much is the instinctual pull I feel toward not cutting them off (emotions vs. logic) just because it's family. I have successfully severed ties with the worst of it, but it seems so much harder with certain people. The other thing I'm really hating is this person addresses me in SUCH a manipulative way. The conversation was prefaced and ended with him telling me that "I'll never know how much he loves me, he would do absolutely anything for me, he can't stand to see me suffer, he wishes I could see how special I am" and yet there is so much abusive, passive agressive content in between, disguised as respectful discussion. It's so twisted and I get confused so easily by that

(((jillann))) I do appreciate being challenged, and you have some good points. It's interesting as I reflect on all of this, I feel like I've reached points like you describe with your father. Then it seems grief surges up and I circle back around to earlier stages at times. And I feel like I've reached different stages with different people. I guess I feel like I'm in a place of forgiveness in the sense of not wanting retaliation or carrying constant hate, but not in the sense of resuming a relationship with the worst abuser.. and only then, as I think of it, I guess that feels like it's coming from a place of self protection rather than punishing them. Acceptance is such a complex part of the journey it seems. I do like the challenge to keep moving forward and not get stuck on the toxic, thank you (((jillann)))

(((mallard))) based on the rest of the conversation, I very much think think his interpretation of let go was not only be quiet & let me live in denial, but also 'come back already and let us abuse you more'. He really hurt me by also comparing me to soldiers that he personally knows and told me that "they came home from war and just CHOSE to be happy. It's unfortunate that you're not making the same choice, if they could do it, there is no reason you can't do it. Maybe if you stopped focusing so much on what went wrong and focused on what went right you wouldn't be so miserable, and we could all get along again." Which sent me through the roof for SO many reasons. You are spot on about the need to keep the family's status quo. Spot freaking on. I feel like your message is very empowering to think of it in terms of handing back their baggage dump. I love picturing that

(((liese))) You are also very wise that people who do this are up to their eyeballs in facing their own grief. He even admitted that "he knew things were as bad as I said they were, but you just stick with family no matter what. That's just the way it is." and then kept reiterating how he is "certainly familiar with trauma, and the answer is to just move on and forget it." How do I not get the message from that that I'm some sort of failure because I'm just not "CHOOSING to be happy?" as if I enjoy hurting, having anxiety attacks, insomnia etc? That is so hurtful. But you know what hurt more than anything? I actually managed to calm myself down and explain very clearly to him how severely damaging the things in childhood were. I told him things he didn't know about, in detail. I poured my heart out in hopes of being validated. I told him "saying the things you're saying is pretty equivalent with seeing me break my arm, and then asking me when is that thing gonna heal already? If you'd 'have happier thoughts maybe it wouldn't be broken.' I was injured. I'm healing. THAT's how it works." And absolutely all of my pain was entirely glossed over and dismissed. Which reiterates your point that he must have some massive amounts of grieving to face of his own, and I think it scares him a great deal.


Thank you guys for letting me vent

I actually felt really sad reading about how your family member has chosen to cope. I'm not surprised you went through the roof over the soldiers reference. Over here, the structure of the armed forces encourages soldiers to push down their pain and use alcohol as a coping tool and it is no surprise that over here they number very highly in secondary care services, struggling with PTSD that often doesn't emerge until after the "choosing to be happy" coping mechanism collapses.

I like the image of handing back the baggage. I also like the idea of having being given an unwanted surprise gift. You didn't ask for it, you don't need to accept, especially if it means accepting all the hidden expectations that come with it - it so there's no need to even take the wrapping off. It can go back, or even to goodwill

What you and Liese are saying about grief makes a lot of sense and explains why your family member is so defended. If he accepts your reality and path as being valid ones, then he has to look at the framework he has built all of his beliefs and sense of self and the world on and that must feel extremely threatening. It explains the expressions of love, paired with conditions attached too; it sort of smacks of desperation really. It's not a good reason or excuse to invalidate others though, and perhaps it may be worth trying to shut down future discussions; you don't need to justify yourself and your path to others.

Sometimes not choosing to resume a relationship with abusers and those that enable them is a valid choice to make

(((mallard))) thank you
I agree. The other thing that stung about the soldier reference is I didn't like him comparing a grown man who may have had healthy resources before trauma, vs. a child growing up in trauma. One thing that I said to T once about the idea of 'picturing yourself before the trauma' I said, "what picture do I look at? An ultrasound?" You are very right that 'choosing to be happy' collapses eventually.

(edited to add I don't mean to imply that I had it worse than a soldier's experiences, or that they have it better than a survivor of child abuse. I guess that's the whole point of why I disliked the comparison, because I feel he shouldn't compare the two at all)

I wish the general public could receive more education into the concept of trauma, because I feel there is a prevailing view of it being a matter of 'think happy thoughts and it will go away'. The idea of healing seems foreign and misunderstood, and it is very frustrating to try to explain when someone is shut down and clinging to their own views.

Thank you for helping me see that not resuming relationships with enablers of abuse being a valid choice. It's hard to untangle the conditioning that abusive families ingrain in children to 'stick around no matter what' from the reality of how unhealthy that thinking can be.

quote:

there's no need to even take the wrapping off. It can go back, or even to goodwill

beautiful!! I love this I vote we should have a 'goodwill' thread here somewhere, to drop off the unwanted 'gifts' we get and vent them out into cyberspace and free them from taking up space in our mind! Spring cleaning, I say!