Hi All,
I just need to ramble for a few minutes. This might not make sense. I need to type at the moment though.
I really have a hard time expressing feelings during sessions w/T. I usually intellectualize or just end up chit chatting with her. Our sessions turn out more like friendship chats and sometimes I'm not working on my issues.
I start school training this week to work toward becoming a T. Yikes!
I'm excited, scared and quite nervous about it all. I just looked at how much homework I'm going to have in the upcoming weeks. Why did I decide to do this? When did I think this was a good idea?

My ex has me back in court ordered crap again this week too! Ugh! ARGH! I truly hate him!

My kids are not feeling the greatest and my little daughter is having major issues with her father about to get married again. She keeps thinking that our family will get back together again and all will be fine.

The kids and I live with my parents and I'm having some issues with them as well. I am very fortunate that they are willing to do all that they do for my kids and me. There are disadvantages to living with one's parents when one is an adult though. The "rents" can sometimes act like I'm still a teenager and try and control certain things about my life. I feel major guilt if I "disobey" or feel like I'm sneaking around their rules. T has told me I'm not doing anything wrong and has tried to normalize things for me. T thinks that my mother is very judgmental and should talk to her doctor about valium. Hee hee
That's a long story....

Anyway, about my relationship with my T.....
there have been times when I have gotten stuck in the process or pretending that things are going well, when I still feel that they are not. T usually tells me that she thinks I'm doing fine and that I don't have to see her for a while when that happens. At one point I'm pretty sure she was trying to terminate with me. We had some weird things happen in our relationship. She has told me where she hangs out at sometimes on certain nights. One night I had a really bad night after a fight with my boyfriend and a strange flashback/disclosure evening in a small group meeting, so I stopped by T's hang out just to see if I could catch a glimpse of her. I really just needed to see her face or say hi...not necessarily really talk.
I sat and talked to two people and about an hour later T showed up! She ordered a drink and said hi right next to me. Then, she sat at a table all by herself. I talked to a couple of more people and didn't approach T for a while, but just keep checking to see if she was still there. I couldn't believe my eyes that she was there when I felt I needed her. Anyway, I gathered up the courage to talk to her. She was having a bad evening as well. She told me about her life and then asked how things were going for me. I didn't say too much because when I first approached her I said I wasn't going to really "talk". It was really cool to chit chat w/T out of the office for a few minutes. We gave each other a wonderful hug! I loved that! I wish I could do that all the time. Then, I heard her mention something about someone else who was going to approach her. At this point things got a bit awkward. Then, she said she was going to go order a drink and asked if I wanted anything. I was thinking...Really??? I declined. Then, I felt really awkward. I just kind of stood there frozen watching her. I was starting to get concerned about T and asked if she needed a ride home.
T told me that she walks home if she feels to tipsy to drive. Then, she told me kind of where she lives. I remember mumbling something about clients versus friends (I don't remember exactly what I said). She gave me the weirdest look and told me that she was going over to a different table to talk to friends. I told her that I had to go anyway and that I was going to schedule a session to really talk. The session after that was wonderful and I felt soooo close to T. The next one after that though felt off and very distant. I have these weird weeks where I want to get so close to her I want to melt into her (sounds weird) and other weeks where I either feel pushed away by her or that I don't want to get too close because I could get hurt.
T doesn't seem to be the most stable person though sometimes. I know we have had at least 2 ruptures in our relationship and I feel like I we are still working on repairing somethings. I don't see her that often and that's hard too.

I wish I could some how tell T all of my feelings toward her and our relationship and all the other random things I think about, but some how I just can't bring myself to do it. I've heard that may mean we just aren't a good match.
I've seen her for over 2 years now and I'm incredibly attached and I don't know how to move through that. Right now I feel like I couldn't face losing this relationship.
I've consulted with friends who are T's or just got out of T school. Without using T's name I've told them some things and I've been told by them to find a different T and that I'm seeing red flags. I just can't take their advice though. Many of our sessions are productive just not all of them.

Ok...whew....thanks for letting me ramble some where.....

I need to get to bed. I have get up early to get ready for T training!