I am so confused about what is and is not occurring in my therapeutic relationship with my T. I have really given serious consideration to the whole trauma bond theory, and I agree with it. I agree that I did not go into therapy looking for a T that exhibits the traits of my mother. When I think of my mother I think of blatant abuse, and I think of emotional manipulation. I think my mom did those things to me on purpose because I was bad or not worth it, I wasn't worth even acknowledging unless I was a target or a shield. She was either abusing me in every way or using me as her cover of being the good mom the perfect mom by having the "perfect" child. The child that was never seen or heard and operated out of a known script that I must portray at all costs that I love mommy and mommy loves me and every thing is perfect, I am quite, I am well groomed, I do not ask for anything, I don't ask for food when I am hungry, I do not ask her to check my homework, I just stay out of the way... I stay in my bedroom and play and my mom doesn't check on me for hours and when she does check it won't be anything good. Acknowledgement is not a good thing for me as a kid... but I long to be acknowledged, I long for someone to hear me, I long for someone to see behind the facade, I hold my composure and I go through the day operating out of the script.

and the same script is going on in therapy and my therapist is behaving just the same way as my mom. She is cold. She does not acknowledge my fear or my pain or my anger or my words. Reading through some journalling that I have done over the past few months I have seen that all my journalling has been when I have been upset that I just didn't feel acknowledged by my T. That every single time I come undone it is because I perceive she has failed to acknowledge me. Lack of acknowledgement leads to feelings of unworthiness, of abandonment, self-deprecation, fear, anger, rage.

It is like I scream out to my T I literally tell her that I just need to acknowledge my pain, just acknowledge that no matter where it originates from it is there, that my pain is a reality. I ask to say those words. To validate that she understands that I am hurt, that I feel broken, that have been hurt and I have been broken, but she never does. She never exhibits empathy..... EVER! And I keep going back, I keep trying to make her change, I keep trying to get her to love me (even though it is not her love I really want), I keep trying to get what I did not get from my mom. I keep torturing myself going back every week, retraumatizing myself, and for what?

This is so hard. My mind and my heart are clashing. My mind doesn't know what to think. All I see is this woman who has really committed to me (I have been extremely time consuming and difficult and I own that), she has stood by me in the manner of her physical prescence, but I have never felt her with me in the emotional sense. I know what I need to do. I know doing it will be a huge step in becoming healthy and embracing my right to be healthy. I have to break the trauma bond. A trauma bond was not born out of health even though I thought my T was healthy for me because she was my T and she is a therapist. But I think I really need to break free. I don't know how or when, if it will be natural occurence, if it will be a process, if it will be traumatic... I just don't know but I am tired.
I really appreciate her, and I really love her, and she has been so huge and impactful in my life, I have gained many insights and changed many behaviors since she has my T. I have felt feelings all over the charts, but the biggest one is gratitude that she has stuck with me and fear that no one else will want me.