(((Non))) It sounds like a giant understatement when I say it this way, but you have a lot on your plate! And I honestly think you're handling it all marvelously. Even if you can't tell your support people the details of what's coming up for you, would it help if you just asked if they could sit with you? Just let them know you're having a hard time? Certainly it does make us feel less alone when we can share the details of what's going on, but sometimes just being with someone can help that aloneness, even if it's just for a second out of the day.

I wish I had more to offer. I hope you can find some peace soon..you deserve it.

Hi Anon,

Parts of your post I could have written: "I'm reliving the emotional memory of how pointless it is to try or even hope for help." This has also been coming up for me in my own therapy process. It is like existential despair. My T says I am "fully in my experience of being a child."

I am sending hugs your way. You aren't alone.



Take care and good luck with your trip,
DBS

(((kashley))) Thank you. It is a lot. I'm just now starting to be able to not beat myself up, because I always felt I had to make it not a lot, deny how much it was. And I felt guilty for not, because I could make it not matter. But, it is a lot...and for an extended period of time. But, the thing is less that I can't tell anyone and more that none of the people I know have time to meet and hang out right now. And when they do, H needs me here with Boo or he is having a hard time and needs more support and isn't getting it from those same others. They're just too busy. Bad timing or whatever. I have reached out to get together, but there isn't time right now. And part of that is, I don't have any women friends anymore since my best one moved away. And it's kind of awkward to ask a guy to get together and hang out, outside of my pastor, which is different. I need to make women friends, but I don't have a lot of women I feel safe enough with to do that.

(((DpBluSee))) I'm so sorry that you can relate to that particular quote. I have struggled my whole life with existential crises and annihilation terror. No fun. I intermittently connect with the inside kids, so I guess in terms of understanding me better and integrating, it's a positive thing. But, not very positive feeling, for sure.

Anon, are you sure you aren't spying on my life???? It sounds like an eerily accurate depiction of my own circustances!

I think there are very few people who can really know us deeply. Hopefully our Ts and partners can and maybe a close friend or two.

Just be a bit careful with H - your needs matter just as much as his and when he tells you you're being unsupportive he might be tapping into a part of you who thinks her own needs and demands are unreasonable.

It is a terrible expereince to be in the grip of intense feelings and feel like a complete failure, helpless and powerless to make them stop and to get the support we know would help. I really wish I could be there for you in person. Sometimes when there isn't anyone there to take care of us, we need to put things in place so we can take care of ourselves. Perhaps when the current stresses settle down you can carve out some boundaries for a rest and self care.

hugs to you xx

((((ANON))))

Sending hugs. Things sound very stressful for you right now. I hope you get some relief soon.

(((GreenEyes))) Sorry if it seems like I stole your life.

As for my H, things used to be almost all about him, but lately, he's had to sacrifice a lot, because of what I'm going through. The car we bought for him got downgraded to something more efficient. We lost the house. He's had to step up a lot more at home. So, in cases such as these where he needs support, I want to do my best. My plan has always been to take care of me more when things settle down, but every time we think something like, "OK, we lost the house, it's over, we can move on," a new problem seems to arise. It's been ongoing for three years now, it seems. I hope it settles down soon. If I am managing semi-OK with all these stresses and crises, I might be doing pretty well most of the time if I could just get into a rhythm.


(((Liese)))) Thanks for the hugs. I hope it gets better soon too. Hey, thanks for checking in on my post. I notice how much you support everyone on here lately and really appreciate it. You rock!

I know you'd definitely be able to stabilize if you didn't have so much going on, because you're handling all of this so well (you may not think so, but it's true). Hope you're doing OK today.

Thanks, kashley.

I went easy on myself with all that's going on and negotiated with H (and with priceline) and booked us all a reasonable costing flight, a car, and one night of hotel, so we can stay right by the airport the night before we have to return. We'll fly in and out of Vegas, drive to his dad's 2.5 hours away in Arizona with his sister, who is on different flights on the same day, then maybe spend a few hours in Vegas the day before we have to go back. It does mean we can't afford a hotel and have to stay at his dad's with his crazy, triggering girlfriend who screamed at me last time, but that is the cost of driving 20 less hours in four or five days.

His dad, whose wasn't going to stay in town because he had a concert to go to "all weekend" (turns out it was only 30 minutes away ) is staying in town to spend some time with H and his sister (and Boo too of course). This trip is now about 10x less stressful. It means more debt for a while until insurance company figures out what the deal is, but it means I'm less likely to completely lose it AND although Boo probably will miss two days of school (unless she goes straight from our return flight to class), I'll just miss the one session, instead of two.

Now to conquer my insurance issues with similar tenacity (I seriously bid the flights like 20 times before I got a combination that worked).

Hey Anon... you handled all of that really well. Stop for a minute and take it what you have done for yourself and your family.

I know family visits and all the travel can be very triggering (thinking of my own trip last summer) but try to find some good spots in it all and tell yourself you may actually have some fun too. Try to see the trip through Boo's eyes and her experiences of it. It's always fun to watch your child see new things. Staying in a hotel is fun and you can relax a bit and order in and take a nice long bath with the complimentary stufff in the room. I hope you can spend a few hours in Vegas before driving back to relax and enjoy yourself. I've never been there but the hotels look fun just to walk through (the Venetian comes to mind) and that does not cost anything.

It sounds like you are doing better. Don't worry about Boo missing school at her age. I once took my son out of 1st grade for 5 days for a cruise. It easier to do it in the younger grades. I hope this turns out to be a better experience than you imagine. And we are here to lend support along the way.

I also hope the insurance stuff gets worked out. I used to fight with my insurance co all the time when I was with oldT because he was out of network and I had to do all the paperwork...he would not do anything except submit my treatment plans for them (and he had is wife do that anyway, unbeknownst to me ) I know how scary and frustrating it can be. My T is in my plan now but my plan is changing next year so I'm really nervous about that.


Sending
TN

TN. (((hugs)))

Thanks, I actually feel pretty great about myself right now, or more about the circumstances, because I took control (not like seized it away from someone, but instead of drowning in the chaos and H's triggered "freeze" state on the planning), I just stepped in and made decisions that affect more than me without feeling like whatever I did would be "wrong" or "bad" if I didn't get total approval from everyone involved first. It's actually a really huge thing for me. I've always been great at planning, but have to defer any decisions that might affect anyone beyond myself to a group consensus or other authority (e.g. H). It felt good to say, "Look, what I need, and what my family needs, is to not have this trip be so stressful, and I am going to make that happen if there's any way possible to do it." That was really nice. Breaking out of some invisible shackles or something or using a limb that was in a cast for...a lifetime.

My worries about Boo missing school are past stuff for me and I knew it. School equaled safety. I didn't like to miss school, with a few exceptions. Even though I didn't have many friends, I had good connections with my teachers. In high school, I never missed a day until I got kicked out of my home half way through my senior year. She is a little bummed about missing it, but I know I'm investing a lot of my own feelings in it, so I just told her she'll miss one or two days (she goes MWF), but we're going to have a fun trip, her first time on a plane, and get to see her grandpa. She'll be OK.

Insurance is...well, I guess it's just that they were trying to only count half of what I'm paying toward the deductible (and what they'll reimburse me on later). I reported it, escalated for a month until I got a case manager, she worked on it two weeks, then finally said, "Oh, by the way, they found a glitch in the allowable amount vs. deductible amount that was showing on those claims you pointed out. It will take 10-30 days to fix it before we know how much of what you've paid will actually count." So, my deductible is $3000. I've paid $2750, owe T another $1050 right now, and between H and myself, if I keep paying the full rate (hoping that it all counts, since they gave me quotes saying it should, but they said it still might only be half, no guarantees), we accrue anywhere from $300 to $600 every week. So, I have no way to budget anything in my life until they fix this problem that I identified to them over a month ago and might take another month to fix. But, you know, I have a dedicated case manager (who triggered me into a SU crisis) and a dedicated claims rep who are ready to jump on things "once we find one right business IT analyst in that department who is the one who has to fix this glitch." Um...what!? This company is insane. I've been asking for how much is allowable since open enrollment in late October and they have put me off, referred me to an inaccurate estimator on their website, given me non-guaranteed quotes, and told me inconsistent information (e.g. it's because T is out-of-network vs. it's just how your plan is, even if T were in network). So, the problem isn't so much fighting for what they'll cover. It's just that they won't give any information whatsoever for extended periods, and what they have given has been inaccurate every time. In the end, we will find out a number eventually and either appeal to the state or do nothing. But, if I have paid at full rate when I could have negotiated lower for several weeks, or months, because of their delays, I have no recourse. It's frustrating...

Oh well. Anyway, if people could send prayers or good energy toward that whole process I'd appreciate it. I just need to not be in limbo!!!

Oh, guess what else? I also told my case manager that what was happening was wrong and I didn't need someone in authority to agree with me know that they were treating me inappropriately. I mean, maybe they can't help it, because that's the way their company works, and I'm not holding it against her personally...but it felt good, you know, to validate myself that I deserve good service and help and they were the ones failing. So, at least some good comes out of it. Plus, I get to be mad at someone who feels "neglectful," because they're very far away and so it's safe, lol.