((((vitaluna))))

I can only imagine the pain and sadness that you must be feeling at the loss of your T. I'm so sorry that it is so hard right now and you are struggling to find a connection with the new T. I hope that things improve for you soon.

Vitaluna:

I, too, like scaredtoriskmyself, can only have imaginings about how you are feeling right now....endings/terminations can be so difficult...I am sorry that I am unaware of how or why things ended with your old T....or why you can't go back....I send warm healing thoughts your way!

It's good to see your post, VL- I was wondering where you went to, and hoping you were ok. I'm so sorry you are feeling sad. I just want to second everything that Sarah and STRM said. The loss of a therapist and especially one with wobbly boundaries is really painful...and yeah, you DO need to talk about it, that's for sure. I hope that we can help, until and during wehn you find a therpist who can help you heal from what happened.

((((((VL))))))

BB

Thanks everyone! I feel silly that I've had to resort to seeking comfort from strangers, but I don't know what else to do.

I posted the story (or at least part of it) of what led up to me leaving my T somewhere on the forum around the beginning of this month. To make a long story short, my relationship with was starting to feel more like a friendship. I told her I was ready to leave therapy, but didn't like the idea of not seeing her anymore. She said that we COULD still see each other. Then a week or two later she said that she'd been wrong, and that we cannot have a personal relationship for at least 3 years after termination of therapy. I was sad and angry, and I said so. She didn't say much at that session, but at the next one she told me that I had hurt her feelings the last time because it seemed like I was only thinking about myself. Then she said that the whole thing was a reminder for her of why she "hates people." After that (and a couple of other things she said), I just couldn't keep seeing her. I sent her a very nice email telling her of my decision, and thanking her for all she had done for me, and got only a little ten word reply from her. I wrote to her one more time (a week later) to just sort of wrap things up, and didn't receive a reply at all - even though I asked her to let me know that she had gotten it.

The strange thing is that I didn't feel that bad when all of this started. I felt strong and in control, and like I was doing the best thing for both of us. And then, gradually, over the past couple of weeks I've gotten sadder and sadder. I feel like my antidepressants aren't even working anymore. I feel like I'm on the verge of becoming depressed, and I really don't want to feel that way again.

The new T is okay, I guess. But I find myself comparing her to the old one, and thinking that I like Old T's style so much better. I had one hour sessions with the old T - sometimes even a few minutes longer than that. The new T stops precisely at 45 minutes, even if I'm in the middle of saying something. And she says uh-huh in this way that makes me feel like everything I'm saying is worse than I thought it was. And she's made a couple of comments about how unprofessional the old T was, which is true, I suppose, but I really do like that woman (the old T) and I was just as responsible for the way our relationship ended up as she was. I feel guilty for talking about her to the other T.

I also feel overwhelmed by the idea that I'm going to have to get to know another T all over again. I just don't feel like telling my story again. For some reason, it doesn't seem possible that I'll ever be able to tell the new T the things I told the old one. Some of them feel too embarrassing this time. I wonder why that would be?

I think the thing I really hate about all of this is that I can see that it's wonderful therapy fodder. Everything about it says so much about me. But I need someone to help me find the words to express what I'm feeling - to be able to say what I know. And there is no one.

I'm starting to think I'm an idiot for leaving in the first place. Maybe I should have stayed and worked through all the weirdness. I feel like I can't go back now. And I'm so afraid that if I tried to Old T would reject me. That would be worse than what I'm dealing with now. At least this way I was the one who left.

Until 10 months ago I had never had therapy, so this is all relatively new to me. I wonder if it's even worth it. I wonder if I'm just trading one kind of pain for another. I don't know what to do next. Could somebody please come be my mama for a few days?

quote:

I was just as responsible for the way our relationship ended up as she was. I feel guilty for talking about her to the other T.

No, you were not just as responsible. Holding boundaries in T is the responsibility of the T. She took ethics classes and has a professional code to live by, you do not. It is her job to maintain the therapeutic boundaries even if you push them, even if you keep pushing them and even if she has told you to stop pushing them and you keep doing it. Crossing the line like she did is not ok and it is not your fault at all.

Anyway, I'm sorry that this happened and I hope that things with the new T improve soon and you start to feel more comfortable with her.

Vitaluna, I second everything STRM said. The responsibility is 100% hers. She was way out of line to say that you were "only thinking about yourself." The therapeutic relationship is all about the client's needs. It's her responsibility to get her own needs met (for friendship, for love, whatever) outside of her job.

quote:

I'm starting to think I'm an idiot for leaving in the first place.

Quite the opposite. I think it took a lot of strength. She behaved inappropriately by not maintaining firm boundaries and ended up hurting you. Not a lot of people would have been able to end a relationship with a T after recognizing that it was becoming a friendship. I doubt I'd be able to. You absolutely did the right thing. Please don't doubt that.

All the best to you. I hope that your relationship with your new T works out.

That's the thing, Agent - I don't know if I would have suggested terminating if I hadn't been sure she was willing to be friends. Most of my decision was based on the fact that I would have rather been her friend than her client. And, at first, that's the direction it was all moving in.

THEN it all changed. She decided that she was making a bad move, and everything changed. It even felt, at that point, like SHE wanted me to terminate. And then when she told me that it seemed like I was only thinking of myself, I knew I couldn't keep seeing her. Not so much because it hurt my feelings, but because it was proof to me that our relationship was no longer a therapeutic one. I felt that if I continued seeing her for therapy it would all be too confusing - for both of us - and we'd end up hating each other before it was over. And that's one thing I absolutely didn't want to happen. The sad thing is, I'm not sure it hasn't happened anyway. I mean, I know <em>I</em> don't hate her. But since she won't answer the emails I sent, I have no idea how she feels. The truth is, though, if she said she wanted to be my friend, I'd do it. I'm not really that strong.

Anyway, I sure do thank ALL OF YOU for supporting me in this. It means A LOT to me.

Okay, I'm off to get ready for my 4 year old birthday party!

Ooops on the italicized "I" attempt. Forgot where I was.

Vitaluna I’m sorry I haven’t posted to you before, wanted to just drop by now and give you a few words of support and sympathy. I’m so sorry you’ve been put in a really painful position by your T. I wonder too, with what’s happened between you, whether you would even be able to trust her now as a friend? Even though you feel strongly towards her, it must be really difficult to trust her in either case?

Hey I hope you do find a new T that’s a good fit - at least then you will be able to move on with your own healing.

Have fun at the party!

LL

I would suspect your T is feeling sad and probably guilty. Just as you wanted to be friends with her, she wanted to be friends with you. She should have known that that wasn't possible immediately after termination, but she didn't, which caused her to inadvertently mislead you. Since it certainly sounds like you both sincerely like each other, she's probably sad to lose you, and is likely feeling bad about how things turned out after her mistake.

I still think you showed a lot of strength.

quote:

And then when she told me that it seemed like I was only thinking of myself, I knew I couldn't keep seeing her. Not so much because it hurt my feelings, but because it was proof to me that our relationship was no longer a therapeutic one.

Sounds pretty strong to me. I would have found it very tempting to just stay and pretend that the relationship was still working, which, as you point out, would almost certainly have ended badly and with a lot of hurt feelings.

Anyway, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Please please go easy on yourself. You did the right thing.

I hope the party was fun!

agent

Vitaluna,
This just makes me so sad for you. It sounds incredibly painful to have to walk away from your T like you did. It is not surprising to me that your sadness has increased. Maybe it's starting to set in that it's real, and when she didn't respond to your email, I am guessing it confirmed the end? Sorry if I have it wrong, I am just really feeling for you. In any event, the pain will come and go and over time the waves will get smaller.... Wish there was an easier way!!

The fact that it sounds like she really does care deeply about you (perhaps more than therapeutically) I would guess makes this even harder. It's much easier to leave something when it doesn't feel good.

I know it doesn't diminish the pain, but like everyone else said at least you can know this was not your fault. It should not have gotten where it did and your T was the one who was not strong enough to hold the boundary. You had every right to have that trust in her and expect that from her. I am sorry your experience was not safe and I really really hope that you can at least let go of responsibility for things going awry. You are in enough pain.....

And what you did was very brave and very strong - Whether you would have done something different had you known you couldn't be friends or not! You are taking care of yourself and it takes a lot of strength.

Whoa - this place is incredible! Everyone is so supportive, and understanding, and kind. Too bad we can't just all live here on this forum, isn't it?

Yeah, the fact that she does (did?) care for me on a personal level IS what makes it so hard. The last day we talked she told me that in all her (25+) years as a therapist she had never considered - never even WANTED - a friendship with a client. She told me that to make me feel better, but it didn't work - AT ALL. I think it made me feel worse.

Now I wonder if it's worth finding another therapist. The one I just lost was my first one ever. Sometimes I think I just traded one kind of pain for another. Why in the world would I want to do it all over again?!

Just dropping in quickly in the middle of packing and cleaning...VL- I understand what you are saying, why would you put yourself through such a thing again...it is hard. But maybe the thing, is to reevaluate your reasons for being in therapy, and see if it still feels like something you need to do? If you can find a T who can make the process about you getting your needs (the ones the T can meet) met through therapy, than, I would say it is worth it, though it is still not "enough" to fill the gaping hole most of us still seem to be dealing with. My personal goal in therapy (I think) has to do with learning the ability to deal with that gaping hole... but I'm constatnly tempted to try, get therapy to be the thing that fills the hole. When I (rarely) have the clarity to see what it is I am doing and how futile it is, it tends to make me question the point of therapy, too... and I just stick with it because that is what everyone seems to think is the answer, and I have no idea what else to do about addressing my problems...have you tried to make a list of the reasons for being in therapy? It is hard for me to do an excercise like that, because my main reason seems to be, to find a little bit of care...and I am never sure whether or not that is a legitimate reason or not...plus it is hard to be so delf-directed about it, I just find that really triggering and lonely for some reason. Still, I suppose that self-directed is what I am supposed to become.

Well, I really have to go because we are getting on the road today, and I was just popping in and saw your thread here...so I wanted to say something. I am so sorry for your pain. I do hope you will find a therapeutic relationship that can help you, VL- keep on talking.

Hugs,

BB