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So, I will keep this PG, since it's not in the other sections. I finally had the conversation with H and moved out of our bed (onto the floor next to my side of the bed) to be safe from the assault feelings brought on by his sexsomnia. Yay me, I drew an important boundary and H accepted it and the world did not end...as of yet.

I held him until he fell asleep and then moved to the floor and promptly started crying. I realized after T texted me today that I was experiencing the same thing I am with T, where being in the same location, but not close, is EXTREMELY painful. I can do very far away (disconnected) and I can do very close (I feel connected), but I cannot do in the middle. In the middle makes me feel a deep longing to connect, but completely incapacitated to make it happen.

I am describing it as my infantile attachment issue in which I keep mistaking physical proximity for emotional intimacy and connection. It's not that the two are completely separate. I get that they are interrelated, but definitely not as entangled as they are to my inner Kiddo. I texted this idea to T in response to his text and ALL DAY since then, I have been dealing with so much inner turmoil.

Basically, Kiddo is like, "No, I really, truly need closeness. It's too scary to connect far away. If you admit that closeness and touch aren't necessary, T will never come near, and I NEED HIM NEAR!"

And then my rejecting caretaker says, "It's too late for you, kid! You don't get to have that. No one wants to give it to you. They never have, because there is something wrong with you. And you know what? Tough $#!+. Get over it, already."

Then Kiddo is sad and raging at the same time that the caretaker is telling her she has to give up on getting that need met. It really is a need. She, I, we, whatever...NEED it from someone safe (even if not T). But, another part of me is certain that it is impossible to get and has so much disdain for that need surfacing, for not having kept Kiddo in quarantine, because we knew what would happen.

Sorry to talk about myself so oddly, but it really feels like there are not-me people arguing in my head right now and I just want them to shut up and give me a break, because it has been a VERY painful week for me...
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Yaku that is a huge step you took in keeping your boundaries and protecting yourself and making a need to be safe known. but I get that this must be terribly difficult, especially when you are so longing for closeness to move further away from dh is a huge step.

I also understand the feeling of the whole moving close, wanting to move away and not sure where you want to be. Like trying to find the perfect place to be close enough to feel connected yet far enough away to feel safe. I'm not sure what the answer to this is and I think AG may have some thoughts on it as I remember her saying something like there is really no perfect distance but that you learn to connect and keep yourself safe too at some point. AG... come tell us about this.....

I'm sorry your week is so painful. I hope you find some relief in talking to your T via phone tomorrow.

Hugs
TN
Thanks...I totally welcome any input that might alleviate or even just help me understand this better.

I don't know if my internal system is just over-taxed or what, but now I'm feeling like my brain isn't getting enough oxygen, literally scared I might just pass out or fall asleep while taking care of Boo right now. It almost feels like I am being pinched (squeezed) mentally, right in the middle of my forehead. Guess it's just more dissociation stuff, but I hate floating like this, feeling like I'm losing control of my body or it wasn't even mine to start with...but still being present enough to catalog it (and if I don't, I'll probably barely remember it later). And...here comes the headache. CRAP, I hate this!!!
Yaku... if you are really anxious you may not be breathing deeply enough. Shallow light breathing is a sign of anxiety ... one which I am very familiar with. This would spell lack of oxygen for you. It makes me sometimes dizzy. There have been times when I had to bend over to get enough air into my lungs. Try to focus on deep breathing from the lower stomach and try to keep it in a regular rhythm.

I know how hard it is to take care of a toddler when you really just want to lay down and take a nap. If you feel too sleepy put her in a safe place and turn on a Barney video or something. Or maybe put on some dance music and dance with her. It may get you breathing better and lift your mood at the same time.

Thinking of you.
TN
I have had what you're describing before, but this is typical of my severe dissociation, so in this case, I don't think it's breathing-related. I'm actually not really anxious, just ugh, overwhelmed by too many feelings at once that are non-congruent with one another. I don't know if that makes sense. Boo and I are listening to the songs I have to learn for church band practice right now. I have to get familiar with them by 7:00 pm, so I can get some good practice behind the kit. My main concern? Can I drive safely to and from church tonight...

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