I held him until he fell asleep and then moved to the floor and promptly started crying. I realized after T texted me today that I was experiencing the same thing I am with T, where being in the same location, but not close, is EXTREMELY painful. I can do very far away (disconnected) and I can do very close (I feel connected), but I cannot do in the middle. In the middle makes me feel a deep longing to connect, but completely incapacitated to make it happen.
I am describing it as my infantile attachment issue in which I keep mistaking physical proximity for emotional intimacy and connection. It's not that the two are completely separate. I get that they are interrelated, but definitely not as entangled as they are to my inner Kiddo. I texted this idea to T in response to his text and ALL DAY since then, I have been dealing with so much inner turmoil.
Basically, Kiddo is like, "No, I really, truly need closeness. It's too scary to connect far away. If you admit that closeness and touch aren't necessary, T will never come near, and I NEED HIM NEAR!"
And then my rejecting caretaker says, "It's too late for you, kid! You don't get to have that. No one wants to give it to you. They never have, because there is something wrong with you. And you know what? Tough $#!+. Get over it, already."
Then Kiddo is sad and raging at the same time that the caretaker is telling her she has to give up on getting that need met. It really is a need. She, I, we, whatever...NEED it from someone safe (even if not T). But, another part of me is certain that it is impossible to get and has so much disdain for that need surfacing, for not having kept Kiddo in quarantine, because we knew what would happen.
Sorry to talk about myself so oddly, but it really feels like there are not-me people arguing in my head right now and I just want them to shut up and give me a break, because it has been a VERY painful week for me...