OK, so I know not everyone does hugs in therapy, and I certainly don't think they are required. But I had the most poignant moment in therapy today that involved hugging...and I just wanted to share.

I asked for a hug at the end of my session today, and T asked if I wanted the hug standing up or sitting. I felt super awkward being asked that question, but I said sitting was OK. So she sat down next to me and I found myself just leaning in until my head was actually resting on her. Then she didn't let go until I actually pulled away. I smiled a little and she asked what it was about. I said that I was just thinking that she was going to get tired of hugging me. While hugging me again, she asked why I would think that. I said I didn't know. She said she would not get tired of it as she got something out of it too. Then she said a little playfully yet tenderly, "It's not ALL about you." She said I was easy to hug because I received the hugs and wasn't stiff. I said that was a weird compliment and that I felt self conscious. Then she said, "We're increasing your capacity to handle feeling self-conscious," and playfully jiggled my shoulder (I had to edit this as I first mistyped it as "should"...very interesting slip) and said something like "see, you can handle it!"

I guess it was a moment of the whole "therapy" construct fading into the background of two people having a very meaningful interaction that went beyond words. I know there is a much deeper symbolic meaning in being "easy to hug" (as in, maybe I am lovable not because I am perfect but because I am willing to take in the connection), but in the moment it wasn't necessary to do anything but take in the feeling of having been let into someone else's heart. It's certainly not something I would have ever imagined happening when I started seeing T close to two years ago...